Saturday, December 24, 2016

DC Rebirth Holiday Special #1, Part Two

As you can see, this comic is rated Teen. So you might find a beheading or two inside the covers but don't worry! You won't see any women enjoying sex! That filth is for Teen Plus comic books!

I just accused my friend Doom Bunny's son of being a werewolf on Facebook. This is my favorite Christmas Eve ever!

Now where was I in my reading? Oh! The Flash Christmas Carol. This one is written by James Tynion IV so I'm assuming we'll find out that Scrooge is bisexual. I mean buysexual! That's a joke about how greedy he is!

Or the story will be about how the Rogues aren't villainy enough to rob a bank properly on Christmas Eve without having their heartstrings pulled by a bunch of lousy foster children. Why do people have to learn lessons at this time of year? It's all Charles Dickens' fault, isn't it?! Learning lessons goes hand in hand with Christmas thanks to that stupid Christmas Carol bullshit!

Even New Super-man gets a Christmas story! I mean, a State Sanctioned Day of Appropriate Celebratory Rituals! Unless it's actually, as Chinese Wonder Woman puts it, Dongzhi. Dongzhi isn't at all as hilarious as it sounds! It's more of that edutainment stuff that, if you can force it into a cartoon, you can get federal grant money for your boring ass public television cartoon program. I'm not getting any of that lucrative liberal free money so I'm not going to explain what Dongzhi is! In fact, I'm going to go back to assuming it's about penises!

Basically the New Super-man story is Hostess Fruit Pie ad but for Tang Yuan.

The next story stars Batwoman which could be problematic being that this Holiday Special was given a Teen Rating. I hope she doesn't find herself under the cameltoe! I mean mistletoe! Dammit! Now it looks like I stole Rob Beckett's joke! But I couldn't stop myself from picturing Batwoman under the cameltoe. I think it's time for my second Christmas Eve Masturbation break! See you in thirty! Seconds, not minutes! How much free time do you think I have?!

Okay! Now that I've pretended that I've pretended to masturbate, I'm ready to read Batwoman's Hanukkah story!

Somebody fires off an EMP while Batwoman is trying to eat some cherry pie which totally ruins her sexy story. So she decides to call her friend Kit who seems to be the Catwoman to her Batman. Or something. But Kate has to call Kit from a phone booth because, um, the EMP or something. My brain isn't working too well right now due to Post Masturbation Syndrome.

Whoa! Telephone booth telephones are much bigger than I remember them!

Batwoman's story is the most boring story so far. But at least the story ends just before Batwoman starts telling the story of Hanukkah because talk about boring! I mean, it's probably boring being religious and all. But it's not like I know the story. I think it has something to do with lantern oil lasting longer than it was supposed to and a bunch of priests in tall hats forcing their rules and regulations on everybody. It definitely isn't as good as the Christian story! That one is full of Heat and Cold Misers singing songs and talking reindeer and magic hats that bring pedophile snowmen to life!

The next story is called "What a Year for a New Year" and it stars the Titans. I'm instantly bored and have to exert more will than Hal Jordan has ever exerted to keep myself seated in front of this computer reading it. Stupid Titans. Why they wanna ruin my good time with a boring story about how they probably battled their Daddy Issues during the holidays? The Batwoman story already covered that!

Surprisingly, the Titans are actually trying to stop some crime! Honey Buns and Ding-Dong Daddy have robbed STAR Labs and the Titans have left their drunken New Years celebrations to try to stop them. I don't mean to suggest that they're all mad drinkers since Roy Harper is clean and sober. Or I thought he was! He does tell tell Omen to prep the Champagne at one point, so I guess I could be wrong. Maybe he's only taking the Twelve Step Lifestyle seriously when it comes to the needle.

That's the mentality of a guy who's not going to stay sober! You've got to treat every fucking day as if it's New Year's Eve! Stop idolizing this one day of the year and its ability to invoke change!

The Titans save the day or the device or solve their own personal issues or something. Afterward, Nightwing has to rush off to bang Batgirl. Like New Super-man, it's a one page story that ends with a twist on the fruit pie and creme filled treats consumed.

The next story is about the Green Lanterns but I don't currently care enough about Simon and Jessica to review it. But I do think that Stranger Things is based on Yeats "The Second Coming"! Um, I haven't really thought it through or anything so just believe that it's probably true.

And, um, that's it! Happy Holidays! Feliz Overwatch! Merry Call of Duty! Joyous Self-Gratification! Bye!

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