Sunday, December 4, 2016

Action Comics #966

Did Superman just get done fucking that cloud?

I'm not terribly excited about reading this issue because that header, "Lois Lane, Back at the Planet," doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Last issue was about that and it had no action in it at all. Maybe that's why Superman is trying to obfuscate the title.

I don't know if the issue begins with Superman throwing Superboy toward the house at hundreds of miles per hour or Lois Lane imagining that her husband thinks that's a good idea. The stupid kid got a concussion falling out of a tree! Should Superman really be throwing Jon at high velocity and hoping his kid doesn't smash into the ground? I'm just going to assume that this is Lois's fantasy and not something that really happened.

Earlier, Preboot Lois broke into Lois's apartment and she was caught by Superwoman. Not Lois Lane Superwoman since she's dead. She was caught by Lana Lang Superwoman.

No, she admitted she is her! Why doesn't anybody listen anymore?! Thanks, Trump!

Before Preboot Lois and Lana get into a super hot fight, Superman shows up to throw cold water on me. I mean them. That's when Superwoman drops her disguise and says, "Surprise! It's me! Clark's first handjob!"

After Lana's revelation that she and Lois Lane received super powers when New 52 Superman died, Preboot Lois logs into Lois's computer and instantly finds a video message from Lois to Preboot Lois. I would complain about how computers don't work like that but I should probably be thankful I didn't have to read two pages of Lois searching through Lois's laptop for pertinent information.

Jeez, Lois! Who said you had the right to reveal Lana Lang's secret identity?! First she nearly destroys Superman by blabbing his secret identity, and now she could have ruined Lana too!

The rest of the message will probably be, "Now that I'm dead, you should take over being me! And when you do that, try to stop mentioning that there was ever another Lois. Pretty soon, everybody will completely forget this dual Lois and Clark nonsense!"

Before Lois gets to the part where Preboot Lois should take over her identity so that nobody is sad, she decides to freak them out by implying that her sickness brought on by her superpowers might be a sickness that could kill anybody with superpowers! Great reporting, Lois! Could you at least wait until you have some evidence or solid sources before you freak everybody out! You probably just got Super-Cancer from inhaling the cremated remains of a Kryptonian. It's probably a lot like inhaling asbestos. Those Superman bits in your lungs are just going to lodge in there forever, and probably just get stronger and bigger the longer you stay in the sun.

How?! I thought Lana was supposed to be a super genius!

Preboot Lois Lane takes over for dead Lois Lane and everything is one step closer to forgetting The New 52 ever happened! Now if Superman can just take care of that extra Clark Kent, he can get back to working for the Daily Planet too! Then in a few years, everybody will be all, "The New Fifty What?"

There's an epilogue that features that guy whose roommate is a miniature Apokolips with Superman's symbol burned onto it. He summons a big beast of a man named Zade. I think they're intergalactic police and they're hunting Superman because he's a murderer. I don't know which Superman they're hunting though. Probably the Lex Luthor one. He seems like the most murdery of them all.

The Review!
If I'm just a reader and I'm completely sick of these stories that are simply packing away any evidence of The New 52, imagine how tired the writers must be! This shit is boring. Dan Jurgens just had to expand the editorial mandate "Put Preboot Lois back at the Daily Planet" into forty pages! I suppose Dan Jurgens could have had fun with it and made some crazy, whimsical, nonsense story reminiscent of Action Comics in the sixties. But instead, he decided to treat it like work and trudge from Point A to Point B in the most boring and obvious way possible. Hopefully he comes up with a more enjoyable story about the death of Clark Kent and Preboot Superman's usurping of his life.

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