Thursday, December 1, 2016

Teen Titans #2

I'm so thrilled that Raven has lost the stupid mask of feathers that I'm not even going to mention Starfire's missing right boob.

This issue begins with Damian proving that he needs to spend less time patrolling the streets of Gotham all night and more time studying.

I'm not a professional evolutionary batologist but I think I can already detect some holes in Damian's reasoning!

I'll give Damian an A+ for his opening statement! Bats are the only mammals that can fly! Aside from my cat when she's annoying me, and she only flies in short bursts that are usually stopped by the wall on the far side of the room. But his theory that an animal made a choice in its evolution is crazy talk! Not to mention that bats didn't actually trade their arms for wings! They just grew some leathery skin between their fingers. Which might also be what the bird did but even further back than the bat. I'm even less an evolutionary birdologist! Unless I'm just about equally neither. And why is Robin thinking about bats anyway?! He's named after a fucking bird! This little shit really needs to see the inside of a classroom. And why does he bring up switching on genes? I guess he's talking about the gene that makes wings instead of arms which is totally how evolution works and why a creature needs to make a conscious choice to evolve, which it then, apparently, does instantly because the gene switch gets flipped!

I think maybe Percy should stick to stories about how racism is totally uncool.

It's also quite possible that everything Damian just said makes perfect sense since I haven't seen the inside of a science classroom in twenty five years! Also, I spent most of my time in Biology trying to sleep with the girl who sat next to me. Little did I know that the girl who really wanted to sleep with me was in my Steinbeck class! "Sleeping with somebody" is old slang for "talking with somebody." I don't know which makes more sense because neither of those things is anywhere close to fucking!

Robin is still celebrating his thirteenth birthday in the flashbacks. He spent the earlier part of the day eating cake with Alfred. Now he's celebrating the part of the day where his mother visits.

That's a slick looking Damian logo.

Damian continues to mope because his father is too busy doing Justice League things to celebrate Damian's birthday with him. It's pathetic! I don't think I'm going to get used to sad sack Damian! "My father didn't come to my birthday party! I have no friends! My grandfather wants to kill me!" Fucking baby! Buck up!

Talia's gift to Damian was information about the Demon's Fist. Five assassins who all got to choose five targets as their thesis projects. So basically the Demon's Fist chose the new Teen Titans roster. That's fitting since the Teen Titans have never done anything but react to people trying to kill them. It has always been the worst super team in the DC Universe. They're not super heroes; they're super targets.

Damian kidnapped the future Teen Titans and brought them to San Francisco. I hope that's going to be their base of operations because San Francisco is always getting shortchanged in the DC Universe. When it does get some love, it's usually because some shitty back-up team or second squad takes up residence there. It's possible DC was just trying to preserve continuity since most of San Francisco was destroyed in Shade the Changing Man #9.

Starfire must be thinking, "Why am I hanging out with these children?" Or "I'm so fucking horny!" One of those.

Damian explains to the others why their lives are in danger. You know, that thing about the thesis and graduating from assassin school! He says the Demon's Fist choose their targets by finding somebody who will make a good rival--"the sun to their moon," as he explains it. I didn't know the sun and the moon were rivals! Is that from The Bible?

Talia gave Damian a USB drive with information on the assassins. They are Blank, an albino shapeshifter who decided Beast Boy would make a good rival because Beast Boy is green. Green and white are rivals like the sun and the moon, I guess. Then there's Stone who has super strength and Earth powers. His target is Starfire because sometimes the sun has a rivalry with the Earth. It's kind of a complicated three way rivalry system. The moon and the Earth also fight, like when Eclipso battles Terra. After that is Plague who has a diseased touch. Her enemy is Raven because, I guess, Raven's eat the corpses of people who have died from the plague. That reasoning is about as good as the sun gossiping about the moon behind its Earth, right? Then there's Nightstorm who "can bend the weather to his will, weaponizing it into a hard wind or gusting himself into flight." Ooh, scary! He can make a strong breeze! His rival is Kid Flash because Kid Flash isn't just about speed. Remember he's got that lightning bolt on his chest, so lightning is somehow important to his character or something. Finally there is the leader of the Demon's Fist, Mara! She's super smart and knows Kung Fu really well and can stab things and stuff. She's basically a female Robin so her target is Damian.

Now that the Teen Titans have been told that they have archenemies, they're ready to build a Tower and become a fully operational superhero team! I imagine it's only a matter of time before some councilperson in San Francisco begins trying to kick them out of the city. I mean, this whole new Rebirth incarnation of them is supposed to fix them so they're not criminals who do nothing but garner public derision. But I can't help feeling they're already heading down that path.

While Damian is trying to convince the others that he's as great as he knows he is, the Demon's Fist attacks!

Why does Mara have bandages all over her inner thighs? Does her vagina secrete battery acid?

The first thing Blank tries against Beast Boy is to look like Beast Boy. Beast Boy simply looks at him like, "WTF?" At least, I think that's how he's looking at him. He's currently in the form of a tiger and I'm not great at reading the facial expressions of tigers. I assume most of their expressions mean either "I'm going to kill and eat you" or "I'm going to kill and not eat you." Then Blank decides to look like Red Robin. If Beast Boy weren't so sensitive, he would now simply turn into a gorilla and pound Blank into a shapeless puddle. But he's a huge baby and becomes too sad to battle.

The first thing this team needs to work on when they begin training is their battle repartee.

The others all encounter their own problems with defeating their Demon's Fist rivals. I guess they'll have to come up with a plan other than the one where they allow the Demon's Fist to dictate the rules of battle. That plan will probably be to work together or to switch combatants. Since this is a comic book, there aren't any other choices. Oh, except to be defeated soundly or to run! This is, after all, only their first encounter with the Demon's Fist. The Rules of Comic Books practically demands that the heroes be unsuccessful in this first battle. But after that, they'll do one of those two plans I previously outlined.

If Kid Flash becomes Nightstorm's greatest enemy, doesn't that mean Nightstorm is fated to fail to kill Kid Flash and flunk out of assassin school? No wonder he hates him so much!

Mara tells the Teen Titans Damian's secret about being Ra's al Ghul's grandson and they all immediately flip the fuck out. As if having a racist grandfather makes the grandchild racist! Nobody in comic books can think logically. They all just jump to conclusions and instantly lose trust in anybody who has told them one teeny tiny lie. Although I suppose they had no trust in Damian to begin with since he kidnapped them and was forcing them into his stupid new Teen Titans.

Damian and Goliath flee the cave when Mara sets off explosives to collapse it on everyone. But he does come back to retrieve the other Teen Titans and to tell them that he's chosen the way of the Batman instead of the way of the Assassin, even though his father is a huge asshole who can't even be bothered to stop by on Damian's thirteenth birthday.

San Francisco experiences its first case of massive property damage without any of the benefits of having superheros in town. That's what the Teen Titans bring to your city! Good luck, San Francisco!

The Review!
This is par for the course for the Teen Titans. They form a group which subsequently simply fights villains who attack them directly. The plots are formulaic in that the Teen Titans often face a group of foes whose powers match theirs in some way, and the Teen Titans are beat until they learn to work together (or fight the foes whose powers are like the member of the team whose ass they can consistently kick!). They never actually perform any actions for the greater good. But I will say, that's a step up from a team that actively breaks the law or is written by Scott Lobdell!

I still haven't been reminded how I'm supposed to feel about racism. It was bad right?

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