Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Blue Beetle #2

The fight we've all been waiting for: Blue Beetle versus Red Scribblething!

The media has been doing a terrible job for years but I want people to know that I think they're terrible at their job for different reasons than anybody who calls it "the mainstream media." Because you know when somebody says "the mainstream media," it means they have their own trusted little conspiracy-riddled source of media where they believe the truth resides. And if they believe the bullshit being funneled into their empty heads from those sources, of course they're going to believe "the mainstream media" is lying to everybody. Because why else would "the mainstream media" be ignoring things like Sandy Hoax and Pizzagate?! These are also the same people who will ask you for a source that disproves their idiocy and then scoff at you when you refer them to a site like Snopes. As if Snopes is just an opinion blog that doesn't link to a huge list of references used in their articles. I guess the bias and spin can be seen in that reference list which never seems to pull information from articles by Infowars and Worldtruth.tv and Coast to Coast AM.

We all have that friend who tells us we've been snowed by "the mainstream media" and then links to some loony YouTube video that explains the truth (unless you are that friend and then your friends are all fucking idiots who wouldn't know the truth if it walked up to them and said, "Hi! Trump is great!"). It doesn't matter if, like me, you avoid most of "the mainstream media" sources (as well as "the truthful, non-mainstream media" sources!) if your opinions mirror those of "the mainstream media" because you've still probably been duped by somebody, probably a libtard friend who can't stop watching "the mainstream media" and sneakily whispered the mass media hypnotic revelations into your ear, probably while you were enjoying a candy bar so that you associate the feelings of ingesting silky smooth chocolate and creamy caramel with the liberal agenda.

The worst thing about all these Truthers and mainstream conspiracy theory nutters is that they've ruined the entire X-Files world for me. I used to love reading things about predictive programming and secret government projects like Cloverleaf and Paper Clip and searches for cryptids and elaborate experiments in Mantauk! I used to lose myself in reading schizophrenic rants by Francis E. Dec or ones just found left in copiers by unknowns! By I just can't enjoy any of it anymore because it reminds me that there are way too many Americans taking much of this stuff way too seriously, convinced everything they don't agree with is a PSYOP. And it's because they've been taken in by "the alt-stream media" while screaming at everybody else for being duped by "the mainstream media." And you know the worst part about these "alt-stream media" believing assholes? They start every argument with "I've researched this for years" or "I've been studying this my entire life." Well, if by "research" and "study," you mean Googled the Internet until you found videos full of unsubstantiated rumor and oddball assumptions that confirmed your bias and stroked your selfish ego, I suppose I can't argue with that! I guess "pizza" does indeed mean "underage sex slave"! But at least Snopes actually responds directly to each point brought up and lists sources for why they've proclaimed something true or false! I'll take that over "Look at these four girls from different tragedies who all look similar and therefore must be the same girl!" any day.

I was hoping to read this comic book before going to work tonight but as you might have noticed, I fell down an Internet Rabbit Hole when a friend on Facebook commented on an asshole on Facebook's comment about "Sandy Hoax." Christ, people are nutjobs.

Here's a book report I once did about a nutjob book my father thought was great!

Sorry, Blue Beetle, I'm not ready to start reading yet! Here's the thing about "Sandy Hoax": the day after the Sandy Hook massacre, Clyde Lewis was already on the radio suggesting it was a False Flag. That's simply the go-to cry of the Second Amendment patriots. If a gun was used to kill innocent people then that event was obviously staged to get people behind gun control. So the thesis was already written before the event even took place. After that, it's just a matter of taking all of the terrible "mainstream media" reports from the chaotic aftermath and using them as facts to prove discrepancies in the timeline. So the only time "the mainstream media" gets things right is when their idiotic, need-to-be-first, crap reporting (part of the "terrible job" I mentioned earlier!) says things that can later be used in the "official" report of the conspiracy. So "the mainstream media" is wrong about everything until they're actually wrong and then their errors are used as truthful evidence of what really happened.

People just want to believe the stupidest shit. Probably because they've all been brainwashed by David Icke's lizard people. I hear they're really into pizza.

Here are Blue Beetle's new partners, The Posse! I should probably say tentative partners since Blur seems to be kicking Beetle's ass on the cover.

Why the fuck are these kids hanging out with a sentient root? It's not like that description says he's a kid who tripped over a radioactive root and gained the power to destroy sidewalks and puncture septic tanks. It says he's an intelligent bush! Maybe a bush near the baseball field was hit by an intense gamma ray burst and soon found itself contemplating its own existence. Daily, it watched the children talking and playing nearby until it had a grasp on the English language. At that point, it slowly grew itself into a humanoid shape and pulled itself out of the ground to hang out with the humans. After learning what "wedgies" and "swirlies" were, it finally found a bunch of freaks that didn't mind it hanging around them. He took the name Root so he could go into battle screaming, "SUCK THE ROOOOOOOOT, BITCHES!"

The Posse have been investigating families disappearing after huge holes suddenly appeared in the middle of their houses. That doesn't seem like much of a mystery! They've obviously been eaten by Tremors. End of story! Next!

Before Jaime can solve the mystery as quickly as I solved it, he's distracted by finding out the Posse know his mom. She's been taking care of them when they get hurt. That sounded like a disgusting "Your mom!" joke, didn't it?

The Posse take Blot to Dr. Reyes but leave Blur behind to flirt with Blue Beetle. At least I think it's flirting. Is it flirting when you automatically assume the person you just met wants to fuck you and you never stop talking about how they must want to fuck you?

Okay. That clears that up. Definitely flirting! Now I know how to do it!

For some reason, Blue Beetle doesn't want to fuck Blur. I would have had my dick inside of her the moment she said, "I don't bite. Unless you're into that kinda thing." Then she probably would have teleported away with my dick inside of her. So maybe Jaime's caution isn't as gay as I thought it was.

You know what? Even if there was a possibility I could lose my dick in a teleporter accident, I'd still fuck Blur! She's hot like a Jim Lee drawing! Scribbles everywhere!

Blur tries to teleport Blue Beetle back to her fuck spot on top of a building but he doesn't appear with her. Apparently she's not good at teleporting other people so Jaime has wound up somewhere random.

Meanwhile Brenda (the Rebirth Brenda who actually looks like an awkward teenage girl and not the super hot New 52 Brenda who I'm currently picturing making out with Vampire Tig) and Paco see a ghost veteran who melts before their eyes. He might have been flirting with them.

See?! Blur came to the same conclusion about Blue Beetle's caution that I did!

Flirty girls are the best! Not that I've ever been able to notice when a girl is flirting with me. I usually miss every sign up until the one where they follow you into the bathroom and stick their hand down the front of your pants. That's a good sign!

Blur gets a little too aggressive and the Blue Beetle Armor thinks she's trying to harm Jaime. I'm glad I was never wearing Blue Beetle Armor when those hands were stuck down the front of my pants! So the Armor attacks Blur which is how the fight on the cover begins. I hope it ends with fucking! I hope this is secretly a fuckfight!

I really am turned on by Blur! Women who know what they want is a turn on! I mean, if what they want is sex with me. If what they want is to discuss our feelings, I'm out of there!

Blue Beetle winds up electrocuting Blur with a tiny electro-bug thing and then she almost dies!

This relationship is way better than the Bat/Cat one!

The issue ends with a family moment at home that's all stupid because Blur and Beetle didn't fuck. I wonder how many letters I'd have to write to DC to get them to change this from a Teen title to a Teen Plus title? Maybe even a Mature title! The kids who discovered their love of Jaime Reyes from the DC cartoons are old enough to see him fuck now, right? I mean, were they old enough to see him fuck previously? Probably! But as an adult, I don't think I'm supposed to discuss how sexual teenagers actually are. We're supposed to pretend they've never stuck a hand down the front of another teenager's pants ever! But being an adult who was once a teenager, I know for a fact they put their hands down each other's pants! I also know that sometimes they rub their boobs on your arm when you're playing Donkey Kong Jr. Or push the back of your head into their crotch when they sit behind you on the couch you were leaning against. Or come into their brother's room with a friend, interrupting you while you're rolling up Dungeons and Dragons characters, to strip in front of you and do things I've never seen adult strippers do while sitting on a bowling ball!

Hmm. Are all those memories now considered child pornography?! Eep! My memories are a cesspool of filth and illegality!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I haven't even added this title to the rankings yet and I'm advancing it up a notch! That's almost all because of Blur. I'm glad she was in this because I haven't had a crush like this on a character since Maps! I mean, my crush on Maps was more of a "I wish I were Maps!" kind of thing. My crush on Blur is more like my crush on Vampire Tig which is a "I wish I were in Vampire Tig!" thing.

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