Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #8

I thought about calling this "A Corpse and the Green Lantern Corps," but I don't think Hal Jordan's corpse will make an appearance. So I'll just leave it as is.

I've got a busy week doing like one whole planned thing every day this week, so I'm going to do some reviews that are really light on the words and heavy on the scans. And also there won't be many scans!

Don't you hate people who go on and on about how busy they are all the time? Don't you just want to slap them with a dick? I know I just said how busy I would be this week! But I don't say that all of the time. Usually I'm not busy at all! I hate to do things that are planned in advance because they completely ruin the day they're planned for and sometimes the day before as well. Today was Medical Errands Day! It wasn't a big deal so I won't go into detail. Tomorrow I have to go see Rogue One and have a pizza dinner with my father and sister. Ugh! So much work! The day after that, I have to go to a birthday dinner for a guy who is easier to describe as a stranger than my Non-Certified Spouse's Father's Wife's Son! But after that, I'm going to do Karaoke with the Non-Certified Spouse and her sister. I'm actually looking forward to that! Friday, a guest is coming by the house to bake cookies and talk about conspiracy theories and how I'm probably an unthinking idiot who listens to the Lamestream media simply because I think Ayn Rand was a twat. Thankfully it won't be too exhausting because we generally know better than to bring up topics that could lead to me calling the guest crazy. Again. Then Saturday is probably Christmas Eve Dinner with some family member. Whatever. And Sunday it's back to work! As you can see, there is no time at all in there to schedule reading comic books, even if most of those activities don't take up the whole day. They do, however, take up all of my energy reserves for the day!

Error?! Like Hal Jordan is too good for death? Just go fucking find a replacement already, you stupid ring!

Instead of looking for a replacement for Hal Jordan, the ring rushes off to find Hal himself. I suppose this is the ring Hal made. I can see him programming it to look for himself after he dies instead of a replacement. Because who does Hal think could replace Hal? Fucking nobody, bitches!

Ethan Van Sciver's art is terrible. But that's just my opinion! Take it for what's it's worth, and what it's worth is coming from somebody whose aesthetic is utility. You should see the shitty computer bag I use to carry my books and/or laptop around when I go to sit in a coffee shop in my moth-eaten t-shirts and worn out jeans! My aunt (who has less taste than I do!) gave the black bag to me with my initials embroidered on the front in white thread. So it's a clunky, visually unpleasing mess with JAG emblazoned on the front. I'm so fucking cool! Sometimes when I see a person glance at it, I think, "I wonder if they realize the JAG on this bag is the same JAG with the top score on Galaga down at the Retrocade?"

The Green Lantern Corps face their first major emergency before Mogo can even get settled into the only place in the universe that, I suppose, doesn't expand or orbit anything else? Is that how the center of the universe works? I mean in the DC Universe! In our universe, wherever the observer is observing is the center! So all of those dark thoughts you have late at night where you picture yourself as the mover and shaker of everything and the only important cog to the whole fucking system? That's pretty much true. Especially when you realize that there is no difference between your death and the death of the universe. When you stop observing it, it actually stops existing. I mean, from your perspective! Which is now non-existent. Or something.

The emergency? Starro is attacking Tomar-Re's home! But since Tomar-Re is dead, Starro isn't attacking anything and doesn't exist! Too bad Starro is also attacking Tomar-Tu's homeworld and Tomar-Tu is still alive to perceive Starro which means disaster for Xudar (that's the name of the planet he's from!).

It's canon! Starro is ace! What? I do too know what I'm talking about!

Starro begins flinging its spores all over Xudar. It's totally disgusting. It's like my bedroom when I was fifteen.

Soranik arrives with her Yellow Lanterns to help defeat Starro even though John was all, "You listen to me, woman! You stay behind with your filthy animal friends!" But now Soranik is all, "Look at my tits! LOOK AT THEM! I AM POWERFUL!" She also continues to call the Yellow Lanterns "The Sinestro Corps" which seems a bit like calling the post-World-War-II German people "Hitlerites." Sinestro is dead and gone and was a cancer to the universe. Why would you continue to call your army by his name?!

Starro disappears because it gets bottled by Brainiac 2.0 who is now into collecting species instead of dying worlds. But he's not doing it for himself. He seems to be working for somebody called The Grand Collector. Is he selling DC characters to Marvel? Anyway, Brainiac 2.0 also bottles the Green and Yellow Lanterns. These stupid Lanterns keep getting cut off from their universe! They're the worst fascist, militarized police force in the history of fascist, militarized police forces.

The epilogue consists of Ganthet and Sayd being visited by Hal Jordan's ring and realizing that their time of exile has ended, whatever that means. I guess the less things change, the less things change. The fucking Guardians are coming back. Whee. I'm so excited.

The Rating!
No change. Hal Jordan became pure will to destroy Sinestro. Does that mean Sinestro became pure fear? And now they're zipping around in space as abstract ideas until something can give them form once again? Something like a Guardian of the Universe? Or, in Sinestro's case, a Pensioner of Qwaard?

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