Friday, December 16, 2016

Deathstork #5

The worst thing about Deathstork is that he's probably a Trump supporter.

Deathstork has come to Gotham to get in a fight with Batman. Maybe he actually came to get Batman's help but he decided the best way to ask for help was to kidnap Damian. So, my first statement was correct. It also makes Deathstork a coward! How about fighting Batman in a comic book that doesn't have "Deathstork" on the cover?

Thanks to the inclusion of the last sentence of that paragraph, I had to go back and Photoshop the cover!

I'm going to lose all respect for Batman (not that I had much (or any?) left!) if he doesn't arrest Slade Wilson after he's done working with him. I suppose I have to give Rebirth Deathstork the benefit of the doubt that he isn't a child rapist. I suppose Deathstork hasn't been a child rapist since pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths, right? To be fair to myself and my bias and my inability to let that aspect of the character go, he did manipulate and sleep with an underage girl! I mean, the pre-Crisis Deathstork did! This Rebirth Deathstork might only have boners for appropriately aged women and Wintergreen. I suppose I should give him a chance.

Although what's up with this quote by George Pérez that I found while doing heavy duty research by typing "tara markov Judas Contract" into Google and deciding the Wikipedia entry would be the most educational link?

"I wanted her to be cute but not beautiful. She looked like a young girl. I gave her a substantial overbite, her eyes were wide, her body was slim, she wasn't particularly busty. I wanted her to look almost elven, so that when you see her for the first time wearing full-make up and dressed in a provocative outfit where you know she's just been in bed with Deathstroke that it does jab you a bit. 'Whoa, good God! This little girl is a slut!'"

George, you don't mind if I twist your words a little bit which, to be quite frank, don't really need much twisting! But you thought the best way to portray Tara was to make her look like a little girl so that when the readers discovered Deathstork was fucking her, they'd think, "Woah, good God! This little girl is a slut!"? I think this is the part of the conversation where the young people would say something like "I can't even!" But since I'm old, I totally fucking can. That's fucking messed up! I didn't read The Judas Contract when it came out because I didn't really get into DC Comics until Crisis on Infinite Earths. But if I had, I can tell you I wouldn't have thought Tara was a slut! And I was only twelve! I would have thought, "Why are they naked in bed together? Is that doing it?! Are they doing it!? Oh my god! Am I reading pornography?!"

Okay, so twelve year old me wasn't quite as sophisticated as forty-five year old me! Now I would read that and think, "Whoa! She's only like fifteen and she's doing it! Lucky!" I mean, I would be all, "Deathstork is obviously a pedophile and he's manipulating an emotionally wrecked child who desperately needs a father figure. Too bad she found one that doesn't understand boundaries and, apparently, the fucking law." Not that I know what the legal age of consent was in New York in 1984! I suppose I could do more hard-boiled investigating but I don't want to open another browser window. But even if it were sixteen and Slade didn't break the letter of the law, he certainly behaved poorly! But replace "poorly" with a stronger synonym! I'd look one up but, you know, browser window!

In other words, I'm going to give Christopher Priest's Rebirth Deathstork a clean slate! I mean, maybe not totally clean! I don't think you can ever totally wipe away the pedophilia.

Oh! They're using my plan! Except without a sniper rifle!

Just like I expected, Batman refuses to be sucked in. He doesn't negotiate with terrorists and child kidnappers! Besides, now he has the night free of Damian! Maybe not the whole night though because how long will Slade be able to handle Damian? Three, four hours tops?

Rose manages to follow Batman back to his Batmobile, impressing him, so he agrees to hang out with her for the night. Batman doesn't even know what he's agreeing to! I suppose when you're as overconfident and cocky as Batman, you can afford to go blindly into almost certain death. Or at least yet another fistfight with Deathstork.

That was the first short story. It was called "Lost". The second short story is called "In League". Like "In League with the Devil", right? But which one is the devil? Slade? Batman? Rose? Oh, I know! Damian, obviously!

Robin has been chained to the bottom of a water silo slowly filling up with water. It's a classic TV Batman cliffhanger! "Can the Robin swim to safety?! Or will the Boy Wonder go under...forever!" It's a typical cliffhanger situation so the scene changes after Robin points out how he defeated Deathstork in their last confrontation by throwing money at him.

The third short story is called "The Why". Rose tells Batman that they're trying to find the person who put out a hit on her. Batman tells Rose basically the same thing Wintergreen told Rose (minus the stuff about how he loves Slade's ass): "Slade Wilson is a manipulative bastard who uses everybody for his own ends and why are you looking at me like that I'm nothing like him!"

In the fifth short story, "Father's Day", Robin references Maude. How the hell does Robin know about that show? I know it's on those stations that play nothing but television from thirty or more years ago but when does Damian have time to watch television? Maybe he just has a bunch of MP3s of the worlds best television theme songs because Maude's theme song kicks ass. Although the line about Joan of Arc being a girl who really cooked might be crossing a problematic line.

Damian and Slade have a nice father-son chat while Rose and Bruce do the same (except for the son parts being daughter parts). I think in both situations, the Waynes have all the power. Although Slade might be trying to get Damian to reveal something Damian shouldn't reveal. Damian is cocky and inexperienced enough to understand he should just shut up. Meanwhile, Batman is just trying to point out to Rose that Slade is a dick and maybe she shouldn't be emulating him.

Batman just uses Rose as his sidekick for the night while he waits for Damian to escape from Slade's clutches. Robin eventually does by blowing up his head. I mean, not his entire head. Apparently Robin has a fake skullcap made of explosives that he can detonate. He only uses it right before he's about to drown because Damian was in power and he was the one trying to get information out of Slade. But he wasn't successful. Now he gets to flirt with Rose because she's totally into Batman's wards.

Remember what Wintergreen said, Rose! Slade just doesn't know how to say "I love you!" without it sounding like he put out a hit on you!

Meanwhile, Deathstork is still on the hunt for somebody. If he put out the hit on Rose, I don't know why he's still looking into it. But he is! So could Batman have been...wrong?!

The Ranking!
No change. Can you believe this shit? A Deathstork in Gotham story and he doesn't get into a physical confrontation with Batman! I feel so unfulfilled! My stomach hurts because there was no catharsis from the escalating tension waiting for the expected conflict! It's like The Blair Witch Project all over again! BLARG! That was me vomiting from being so wound up without any release! I think I need to go out in public and punch somebody in the face to feel better! They'll probably understand, right?

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