Monday, December 12, 2016

Suicide Squad #6

See? I told you he was hiding in the bathroom!

There's nobody more helpful in life than that person who, when faced with a generalization from a friend, makes sure to point out that the generalization doesn't apply to everybody targeted by the generalization. I don't need to be reread the dictionary definition of "individual" every time I make a scathing criticism of all corporations, lawyers, cops, or mothers! I understand that, in theory, somebody's mother must be an angel! I don't need my rant cut off at the knees by a meaningless statement that adds nothing to the horribleness of mothers! I get it! Yours was a saint! But, overall, and so close to 100% that if this were a calculus problem, we'd be streaking to infinity on it, mothers are awful, terrible people. Also, I'm not sure my calculus bit would actually hold up in court. Probably because lawyers are jerks who would totally ask me leading questions that don't provide context for my calculus problem and then when I try to provide that context, I'm shut down and told to only answer the questions asked. As if that's fair! I could make any mother look like a huge jerk if they were only able to answer the questions I asked! Not that it would be hard because, after all, mothers! Amirite?!

I just ate lunch after writing that paragraph. While doing so, I chose to read some Facebook comments on a Ricky Gervais post about a preacher telling kids in line for Santa that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Here's a response from somebody who should get their Internet Comment Card taken away:

fucking hypocrites. So it's alright to lie and tell kids Santa exists but telling them God or Jesus is real is in some way wrong or idiotic. HAHAHA! mugs.

This is why I can't debate stupid people. Because they think they're so smart! But they're not smart! I'm smart! Unless I'm one of the stupid people who think they're smart? No, no! It can't be that! Because I don't say things like this guy who think it's the same thing to tell a kid Santa doesn't exist, knowing that they'll enjoy the fantasy as a child and eventually grow out of it and look fondly on the lie, as to tell a kid Jesus and God are real and expect them to live their entire lives accordingly and to squash all doubts to the contrary because that's probably one of the sins that will send you to Hell and maybe you should just hate gays too, just in case. Now whose the mug! Wait, what does that mean? Stupid British slang!

This is how this issue begins:

Why doesn't the Comic Book Code Authority still exist to stop images like this?! I never wanted to see an Amanda Waller upskirt photo!

Since nobody dies in the Suicide Squad, this is, of course, a fantasy. We all know Katana is going to hack the bullet out of the air. We knew that last issue when the gun was fired. But for one brief illogical second, I thought that maybe, just maybe, DC had killed Amanda Waller. I didn't think it was because the editors wanted to change up the way the Suicide Squad is run. I just thought maybe Jim Lee complained to the right people about having to draw a fat woman several times a month.

I almost went with "overweight woman" instead of fat but who am I to judge Amanda Waller's preferred weight? She might be underweight and pissed off because all of her older underwear keeps almost sliding off when she wears skirts.

So on the next page, Katana does indeed chop the bullet out of the air with her sword. So now we know she's got secret speedster powers! Unless it's just a given that ninja-types can move at super speed but only when it comes to dodging bullets and catching arrows.

Amanda is now going to have to reassess allowing people to carry guns in the lab. Forget about almost killing her! What if Rick had missed and shot an important piece of machinery keeping Zod in check?! The world could have been destroyed! You're probably thinking that Superman could stop Zod but you know how many times Superman is needed but "the Justice League is on a mission in space!"? A lot!

Nobody thinks to take Rick's gun away or cut off his arm at all (which, if you ask me, totally seems like a missed opportunity). Probably because they're distracted by wanting to kill everybody else. It seems some kind of rage virus has taken over the lab and the scientists are throwing the most awkward, terribly aimed, low powered punches at each other that I've ever witnessed.

Amanda headbutts Rick Flag and then the power goes out. I bet that's an excuse for Jim Lee to draw two or three pages in complete darkness. Which means he doesn't have to draw them at all, if you weren't following what I was saying as closely as you should have. It's hard to tell how many people like the guy I quoted above read these commentaries. I'm sorry you don't understand most of what I write, dum-dum.

Thanks for the information, Deadshot. Nobody else has eyeballs!

Thanks to the Phantom Zone Sphere (which everybody keeps calling the Black Vault, so maybe I should too!), Katana goes aggro as well and cuts the heads off of two scientists. I'm sure that won't effect her at all. Nobody wants to read this comic book for the kind of character development where a person questions their relationship with violence, and falls into a state of depression for having sent two innocent men's souls into the Soultaker Blade for eternity.

Another important tidbit of information Waller lets slip (to the readers! Not to the inmates!) is that if the Belle Reve power grid fails, they can't blow the prisoner's brain bombs. Well, I hope she has a backup generator! Maybe she should think about getting a cloud based brain bomb app so she isn't reliant on any power except the charge on her phone? I'd definitely look into it.

Here's another thing that happens in this comic book that I'm absolutely sick of: the cells unlock because of the power outage. Enough with cells that need a constant electric current to remain locked! If they do rely on electricity for locking and unlocking, they should default into locked when the power goes out. Stupid electrical engineers of the DC Universe!

Elsewhere in Belle Reve, June Moone and Killer Croc are released from their cells.

Yes! Now I know the proper way to do oral sex on a woman! Look at her orgasm!

It seems Captain Boomerang is currently in digital form inside of Hack's head. He's trying to help protect her head since he's living there now. He helps to keep the brain bomb out of her head by destroying the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine with his digitalness. Or something.

On a side note, even when the power is flickering, the people running Task Force X think it's a good time to try to implant a brain bomb. On a sidelier note, the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine is just a huge buzz saw on a crane. That seems...unnecessary.

On the sideliest note, you know how the scientists were using a Red Sun Generator to make sure General Zod would stay asleep and not be powered up? Apparently it has a Yellow Sun setting which one of the violent scientists uses. Who demanded that be an option?! I get that once you have a Kryptonian under your power, you'd want to be able to power him up. But for safety's sake, get two different fucking machines, you cheapskates!

Everybody in Belle Reve has gone insane except Harley Quinn who has gone sane. That seems like a thing that should happen. I know I'm judging crazy comic book logic but hear me out! If something drives somebody insane, doesn't it make sense that it would drive an insane person more insane? I'm just looking at a pretend chart here and it doesn't show that insane people suddenly become the most sane people if they get too insane. Although I will say insane people sometimes have fairly accurate insights into the world. Sure, you have to ferret out the insight lost among a plethora of lizard people and satellite death rays and vendettas against meter maids with their time machine ticket pad Frankenstein body scanners. But you'd be surprised how often I find myself nodding along in agreement while reading a schizophrenic rant. Okay, maybe you wouldn't be surprised by that, jerko.

Anyway, once Harley is sane, she obviously needs to cut off the colored ends of her hair, wipe off the mascara, take someone's Kleenex, and wipe the lipstick away. She knows things were bad but now they're okay. Also she puts on Hack's glasses so that she'll look respectable in her lab coat and short shorts that show off her professional camel toe.

That's the end of Jim Lee's twelve pages! Now for the backup story! It's about Killer Croc and how he keeps eating the guards in charge of his security. Waller seems to think this is an acceptable turnover rate for the position because she's certainly not in a hurry to figure out how to isolate Croc so that he never interacts with another guard for the rest of his prison time.

The story is interrupted by an advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad: Dusk of Mostly Water. In the ad, The Flash is battling Captain Boomerang. Come on, DC! Spoiler alert much?! Also, it's written by Joshua Williamson so I'm already yawning.

Anyway, the Killer Croc story is about how Killer Croc was made a monster by society. The end. Mind blown. What's that? Why yes, I do always make a jerk-off motion and roll my eyes when my mind is blown.

The Review!
No change. Same old same old same old as the same old that was the same old as the same old.

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