Friday, December 9, 2016

Batgirl #4

Yappy dragons are the worst.

Dear Diary,
Did you hear about Jennifer Lawrence scratching her butt on a sacred rock?! So disrespectful! And you know there's nothing worse in the world than disrespecting other people's irrational beliefs! I mean, sure, I get having an itchy ass in a wet suit because you might not have wiped particularly well that day since, you know, my Batsuit is practically a wetsuit and I've also had those kinds of days when I get undressed and reach down the back of my underwear for a good scratch and then bring my fingers up to sniff them and they're covered in poo! But I'd never wipe my ass on a sacred rock! That's like burning a flag or drawing Mohammad or having an abortion! These are things other people don't want other people to do for reasons that I suppose we should all just agree with because they're so passionate about them. Not that I believe any rock is sacred or that burning a flag is dishonoring servicepeople or that drawing Mohammad is a form of idol worship and therefore against Allah's word or that having an abortion is killing a baby! But other people believe those things and I guess I should respect those beliefs? I mean, unless I strongly believe the opposite! Like how if a rock killed my grandmother and now I had a sacred duty to wipe my ass on all rocks!

Anyswayze, who really cares, amirite?! I suppose people who can't get enough with finding faults in other people because it gives them righteous indignation boners. Although in her story, Jennifer Lawrence did admit that the real curse is white people, so why is everybody so mad? She was, like, admitting that thing we all knew already!

Also that thing I said about sniffing my butt fingers was just a joke. Ha ha!

So this week, I met these supervillains who were really into researching American dropouts. Weird!

These criminals were Asian dropouts which is like the worst of the worst when it comes to dropouts! Unless that's racist! I mean, even if it is racist, it's probably sort of true. Not that they're the dumbest dropouts out of all the dropouts! Heck, a Korean dropout is probably thirty times smarter than an American high school graduate! Um, that's probably a racist assumption too! But if I can't make racist assumptions in my own Diary, Diary, where can I make them?! Oh! I know! In Trump's America! Hmm, this Diary might be a best-seller if I leak it to the right American publisher!

Oh man! Speaking about racial stereotypes, how about those Korean gamers?! Holy crap, those guys are serious! I'd wipe my ass on a hundred sacred rocks before I disrespected a South Korean gaming clan in an online game! Especially if it's one with PvP because if you attack one member and defeat them, you'll suddenly find yourself attacked and destroyed in the most massively coordinated attack in the history of coordinated online gaming attacks! I've experienced in a game called Archmage that I played when I was like six! People tried to warn me! But I was all, "No, no! I can take them down!" And then I was attacked by fifty people at exactly the same time thereby bypassing the cool down time for getting attacked once you've been completely destroyed. Bastards!

More Asian dropouts attacked and I had to get out of there because I felt bad beating them up when they were victims of a social attitude that demands excellence in academics that not everybody can achieve. They weren't the monsters! The culture they lived in was the monster! Wait. Is that racist too?! I mean, can I, a white woman, judge the value of another society if that value causes unwarranted pain and hardship among the populace? Or should I just keep my white nose out of it?! I'm glad this Diary is private and a whole bunch of judgmental assholes won't be reading it! Can you imagine, Diary, if you had a comment section?! Eep!

Meanwhile this was happening to Kai although I didn't know it yet! Sigh. Look at those abs! Why am I suddenly reminded of the Hoover Dam?!

I needed some help with The Mystery of Whatever the Mystery Was (I Think It Had To Do With A Martial Arts Tutoring Program That Kai Ran Afoul Of?). I really do need to work on my Mystery Names. How am I ever going to market a series of Young Adult novels about a super hip chick with a majorly fine ass who goes around the world solving mysteries and fucking hunks if the name of the mystery can't even fit on the cover?! I think the first book should be called "The Mystery of the Penis Filled Orifice!" Hmm, I'm thinking about the Hoover Dam again!

Anyswayze, I called Frankie to help me out with my mystery. She was all, "That Biowhatever you're whosit now whatsit thingy was created by the what's-his-name who was accused of stealing and publishing some other chick's research but the accusation was never proven." And I was all, "Gross! Shouldn't the accusation have been enough to prove the research was stolen?!" And Frankie was all, "Right?! The guy who stole it barely graduated so he totes couldn't have come up with that shit himself!" And I was all, "So gross!"

Frankie found all the clues I needed to put this Mystery (and Kai!) in bed! To bed? Whatever! The bio-encrypted drugs or whatever that Kai was somehow involved in transporting were going to be used to make all of the stupid Asian kids smart enough to pass their tests so their parents would give them oral stimulation of their genitals! That's a thing, right? Oh man. Don't tell me. Racism again, right?! Egads!

So anyway, Teacher stole the bio-crap out of Kai's stomach and then the bio-crap left in his stomach was destroyed by antibiotics when he ended up in the hospital! Now he's going to be killed by some Asian gang and I'm probably never going to learn what his man-meat tastes like! Probably like licking a sweaty foot, right? So gross! Now why am I thinking of the Mojave Desert?!

Before leaving Kai for good, I, as Batgirl, advised him to get a real job and then maybe Barbara Gordon might want to date him. If he had guess that I was Batgirl at that moment, I totally would have done him! But he didn't because he's just as dopey as I remember. Too bad! His body was good enough to do ethically terrible things! Now I see why Batman lets Catwoman get away with everything just short of murder! Or does she murder now? I think she murders now, right? Or is that just a red herring?

Anyswayze, following the trail of clues I worked super hard to get Frankie to discover, I found the Super Villain Cram School run by Evil Teacher! My first act was to batarang the shit out of her Evil Study Drugs which shattered all over her and turned her into the Bane version of my seventh grade English teacher! Or maybe a different teacher. My 7th Grade English Teacher was Mr. Sousa and he had a weird obsession with Romeo and Juliet, so much so that we spent one entire quarter doing nothing but reading and watching different versions of the play. The ballet! The pop art modern take! That old movie that showed tits! A version of it in the park! I suppose if he sucked down some Venom, he'd just boner rage down to the closest Shakespeare Festival.

So I was just about to get into a fight with Mrs. Bane when I realized I was bored with my life abroad. I mean, I still kicked her ass and all but that story will have to go unheard by any Diary. I mean, I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore! Sorry, Diary! I need to concentrate on my vagina before it dries out!

The Review!
I'm more interested in this series than I was the last time I read an issue but it's too late. I've taken it off of my pull list! It's a shame, too, because Batgirl is the only character in the DC Universe who knows how to handle a thought bubble! Also she has a great ass!

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