Monday, December 19, 2016

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #7

Sinestro pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

What's the proper way to express that a woman is sexually attracted to another person? It isn't by yelling "GOOOSH!" really loudly, is it? I'm, um, asking for a friend.

Sinestro couldn't defeat the Lanterns when they were powerless against anything yellow. What makes him think he can stop them now? Oh right! Pride and his huge Korugarian cock.

This issue begins in a way that I used to define as "Lobdelling it." The first page is full of Narration Boxes reminding the reader who the main character is and what his motivations might be. In Superboy's case, it was that he was created to be a living weapon. In Hal Jordan's case, it's because he watched his father throw his life away to the military to test planes that probably weren't going to fly straight. I think I'm supposed to turn the page with the feeling that Hal Jordan has overcome some serious hardships to find his true calling. But all I'm thinking is, "This guy needs some serious validation because of his Daddy Issues."

Lobdelled first pages always feel like a starter method for writers who aren't sure how to get back into the story after however they ended it the previous month. It's like I have to see their writing exercises to get their mojo-soaked juices flowing again. In Lobdell's case, it usually just means the next few pages are going to completely alter the previous issue's last few pages. I suppose in Venditti's case, he's just trying to set up some thematic elements that will reflect on Jordan's relationship with Sinestro. About 75% of that relationship is comparing cock sizes. That's why I mentioned Sinestro's cock earlier! It's an important aspect in his constant fuckfighting with Hal Jordan.


I suspect when I turn the page, I'm going to read ten pages of light construct battles where Hal makes a giant green bowling ball to deflect the giant yellow pins Sinestro sends at him. And then Hal will launch a huge green shuttlecock at Sinestro who will whip it back at Hal with a large yellow racket. Then Hal will create a giant green version of Sinestro and Sinestro will create a giant yellow version of Hal Jordan and I'll become too confused to keep masturbating to the fuckfight.

While this is going on, Lyssa is probably rubbing her engorged lady parts all over Guy Gardner's throbbing mandeal.

While that is going on, John Stewart is leading the Green Lantern Corps into battle.

I'd prefer a leader whose pre-speech battle doesn't strongly imply that we're all going to die.

For completists who read the first scanned panel and thought, "But how does Sinestro finish that statement?!", that second scanned panel is for you!

Hal Jordan's first move against Sinestro is to point out Sinestro's record against Hal Jordan. It's something like five billion to zero. Although I can see why Sinestro might think it's more like five billion to five billion since he'd see every battle they'd ever had in terms of how he beat Hal at first (one win!) but then Hal always came back to ultimately win the day (one loss!). I know that's how I track all of the women I've ever slept with. "Excuse me, would you like to go on a date that will obviously eventually lead to sex?" (One sexual partner!) "No." (Um, still one sexual partner, as far as my bros are concerned!) This is probably why the term "talked" has become synonymous with sex. Because a lot of guys are constantly striking out but they don't want to go into the details of the no sex, seeing as how that would shatter the illusion that they had sex!

The actual first move, in regards to light constructs, is this: Hal Jordan shoots a bunch of dildos at Sinestro while he creates a clawed receptacle to catch them. I think that sums up their relationship fairly well. This double splash page could also just have been Hal with his pants around his ankles pounding Sinestro in the ass while Sinestro cries tears of joy and mutters, "My greatest friend! My worst enemy!"

Sinestro points out that Hal Jordan might be the most stubborn man in the universe but he's really not that bright when it comes to tactics and strategy and crossword puzzles. But Hal Jordan is way ahead of Sinestro this time because Hal knows that too! That's why he didn't come up with the current plan to bring down Sinestro! That plan was thought up by the real greatest Green Lantern of all time! Guy Gardner! No wait. He's currently having the most painful and scariest sex ever with Lyssa. The person who came up with the plan probably has huge Daddy Issues that need to be resolved. So that would be...well shit. That could be anybody in the DC Universe. Oh! But it will probably be thematic to this story! So, um, what's her name! Sinestro's daughter! Soranik!

Soranik is busy freeing Guy Gardner and the other prisoners of the Fear Engine so it can be dismantled and Sinestro's power will drop from 1000% to the normal 100% that doesn't do any good against Hal Jordan's willpower. Soranik knocks out Lyssa and, somehow, none of Lyssa's sexy parts fall out of her negligible costume when she falls over. Darn.

Soranik, Guy, and all the prisoners flee the planet as Hal Jordan decides to crash and burn. I mean, he calls it a blaze of glory and a triumphant defeat but he spent all that time reminding readers about his dad's death and how he knew he would one day go out the same way. Hal turns himself into a Willpower Bomb and blows himself up, taking Warworld, Sinestro, and Lyssa with him. As Sinestro dies, he yells, "Lyssa, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?!" Lyssa dies shrugging.

John and his army arrive just in time to see Warworld blow up. Good job, Green Lantern Corps! After that, Soranik, Guy, and all of the Yellow Lanterns who finally decided they didn't care about fighting at the side of a maniac who killed anybody who disappointed him. I guess the Green Lanterns have some new, and particularly horrible looking, new recruits? Maybe the Yellow Lanterns will become Guy's battalion. I mean, they already have a leader in Soranik but who fucking cares about Soranik?! She can be the female character that's entirely capable of being the hero but takes a back seat to the guy. A literal Guy this time!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. I can't not raise the ranking of a comic book that just killed Hal Jordan and Sinestro, right?! I mean, I'm sure they weren't vaporized (although Sinestro had a skeletal hand just before the end, to demonstrate the raw power generated by Hal). They've probably been converted to light energy or something. I mean, Hal Jordan is still in the title of the comic book! This isn't "The Green Lantern Corps and Memories of Hal Jordan!"

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