Saturday, December 17, 2016

Deathstork #6

Why is Slade making moose antlers?

Here's an anonymous message sent to me via Tumblr today:

Your reviews are actually kind of funny, but Jesus Christ lay off the Trump references. As a Clinton voter, I'm sick of the low lame jabs.

As anonymous messages go, it's pretty polite! Practically even a compliment! I mean, the "kind of funny" is sort of an off-hand slam that really hurt my feelings. But then everything else about the message seems like a lie, so I probably shouldn't care too much that the messenger didn't say my reviews are uproariously hilarious like they probably should have. I'm sure there are Clinton voters who still consider themselves "Clinton voters" who really hate people making fun of Trump because everybody has a right to be stupid, even Democrats (or people pretending to be Democrats!). But to categorize my slanderous comments about Trump as "low lame jabs"?! Come on! Those jabs were uppercuts! And right hooks! And they were intelligent and cutting! You know how else I know this person didn't actually vote for Clinton? Because they typed "Jesus Christ" with the appropriate capitalization! People who voted for Clinton were obviously atheists and Satanists who would never invoke the name of Christ! I'm too smart for you, Anon!

Look, Anon. If you want to read my stupid reviews, you might have to put up with me expressing opinions that will differ from yours. You can't go around being angry or annoyed every time somebody says something with which you don't agree. But you must realize that I was never going to take your suggestion seriously, right?! I mean, you'll probably never read another one of my reviews ever again! You stumbled upon them today, felt you needed to express yourself to the void of the Internet because nobody else will listen to your Magic Deck making strategies, and probably have already moved on! I would be as pathetic as Cullen Bunn thinks I am if I changed my ways for a disgruntled, anonymous drive-by commenter!

I take it you think I mention sucking dick and masturbating just the right amount though?

This issue begins with Deathstork back in Sub-Saharan Africa. I guess things there weren't completely resolved after he rescued Wintergreen and fucked over the president of the country. I guess he's there to save the president of the country after giving him ample time to think about how he tried to fuck over Slade. Being a villain is hard. You can't trust anybody. It must be nice to have a guy like Wintergreen in your corner who will do anything you say no matter how crazy because he loves you unapologetically.

The president's name is Matthew but he likes to be called Red Lion. But he doesn't matter. Also on the plane is Rose's boyfriend Richard. Apparently he was the one who put the hit out on Rose. I guess that's why all of the subterfuge last issue. It was Slade's way of telling Rose he loves her! By keeping her in the dark about how her boyfriend tried to have her killed. He's so sweet!

Meanwhile Rose is meeting with her brother Joseph to discuss Slade trying to kill her. Joseph isn't too sympathetic because Slade nearly got him killed a long time ago. Also, Slade killed Joseph in the Preboot Universe. But he did it because Joseph wanted him to and because the Wildebeest story had been dragging on for years with no end in sight. Even though I liked Jericho back then, I was glad to see that story arc end!

Oh, well that finally explains that! I was tired of being too stupid to understand what was going on! I mean, pretending I was too stupid! It was a joke! Ha ha! And you fell for it!

Okay! I think I finally understand what is going on! I sort of already understood though because Wintergreen explained it all to Rose about how her father doesn't know how to express affection. Look at what kind of trouble can happen when you don't just hug your parents? Not that the child should be blamed for lacking the ability to have close, intimate contact with their family members (not that kind of intimate contact, you pervert!). I can probably count on my fingers the number of times I hugged my grandparents and I loved the fuck out of them! Plus I have all my fingers! Just for, you know, clarification.

I saw this quote recently that may or may not have actually been said by F. Scott Fitzgerald: "An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke!" I added the exclamation point because I imagine he probably yelled this at somebody who used too many exclamation points. I use a lot of exclamation points but I assure you, I only use them when the sentence preceding the punctuation mark makes me laugh. Or I'm excited. Or angry. Sometimes all of those! See, I was excited there but not angry and I wasn't laughing. The point to this is that from now on, because he was so critical of the exclamation point which I love, I'm only going to refer to him as F! Scott Fitzgerald.

This issue is filled with editor's notes about other issues because this issue is beginning to tie up a lot of loose ends. The various short stories making up the narrative are beginning to meld into one coherent story in which Deathstork probably disovers Adelaide is behind kidnapping Wintergreen and getting Deathstork back in his suit and turning his children against him and getting him to team up with the Red Lion. Or it's totally different. I'm tired of being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sometimes I'd just like to admit that I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Oh shit! Richard is that Luis! The one that got involved in gang activity in Gotham because his mother, Pat, put the maid in charge of him while she went out to fight crime as Vigilante!

Richard (aka Luis) hates Deathstork because Richard's mother, Pat, abandoned him to go be Vigilante at Deathstork's side. Also because she was on the run from the police but she really super wanted to be at Deathstork's side. And when he told her he works alone and wouldn't let her come with him, she made the worst cry face in the history of comic books. I think I have the scan around here somewhere.

I can't tell if she's crying or she's in shock due to her brains leaking out of her eyeballs.

Whoa. I'm starting to feel like a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader again! Self-doubt can stuff it!

Meanwhile, Joseph (not Jericho as the previous writer of Deathstork thought his actual name was) meets with Uncle Dr. Ikon to let him know that he's getting married to his sign translator. I know a few signs! I know helicopter and cookie and raccoon and boy and hungry and horny and vagina and cunt. I learned most of those from Signing Times on PBS. I learned the last two from Lee Mack's stand-up. What I'm trying to say is that I might not actually know any of those signs well at all. The ones from Lee Mack because he was a comedian on stage making jokes. Do I trust that?! And the ones from Signing Times because I learned them watching barely verbal toddlers do them while shaking from yet-to-be mastered motor control and flipping the fuck out from excitement.

Anyway, Uncle Dr. Ikon has the best response to a friend confiding their love for somebody that I've ever seen.

I highly doubt anybody who knows me at this point in my life will ever confide in me about their love for another but if they do, I'm not ashamed to say I'll be stealing this response.

Uncle Dr. Ikon has a bit more of a reason to say "I love my cat" to Joseph's declaration that he loves a woman than just being snarky. He's been in a relationship with Joseph for some time, so he's making a comment on the different kinds of love and that maybe Joseph's love for Etienne is like Uncle Dr. Ikon's love for his cat. I don't mean pure and unadulterated and the best kind of love ever in the world forever and ever! I mean the kind of love where you probably aren't going to engage in sex. But Joseph points out that he refuses to be labeled and he'll love and, probably, fuck whomever he wants to fuck. I should also probably stop calling him Uncle Dr. Ikon now because that's a level of creepy that I didn't realize was going to be reached when I began calling him that.

Uncle Dr. Ikon (I decdided not to stop) refuses to accept bisexuality, especially when he's losing his lover to it. Instead of gracefully staying Joseph's secret dick on the side, Uncle Dr. Ikon decides to tattle to Deathstork that his son is a big gay homo fucking his big gay homo uncle. Knowing Deathstork's sexual history, I imagine that will elicit little more than a shrug. But Joseph decides he can't take the chance and enters Uncle Dr. Ikon one last time (or maybe for the first time. Not all gay sexual relations result in sodomy, you know. Oral and hand jobs are quite satisfactory for satisfying certain disgusting urges (I don't mean those urges are only disgusting when gay people have them! Everybody's urges are totally disgusting. Mine resulted in performing a rimjob this morning!)). But this time, Joseph enters him as Jericho in the usual way: eye contact! He then turns off Uncle Dr. Ikon's suit and allows him to plummet to his death. Possibly. The issue ends before Uncle Dr. Ikon ends.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! Christopher Priest reached back and plucked out Luis from Marv Wolfman's 90s Deathstork comic book! I mean, that's crazy! Maybe not Geoff Johns crazy or Alan Moore crazy. And because it's just Luis, it's a little bit boring. Also, I don't know that Luis didn't become some huge character during the Naughts! Maybe everybody reading this comic book knew right away who Richard was. Anyway, Luis is a good example of how this comic is really building a great foundation for the Rebirth Deathstork to be more than DC's Punisher with a worse costume. I'm enjoying the complexity of the entire story and how it's all coming together.

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