Thursday, December 15, 2016

Justice League #9

Barry and Allen take in the sites in San Francisco.

My favorite place to visit in San Francisco is the Ripley's Believe It or Not! Museum. Where else in the world can you wander musty halls looking at newspaper clippings stapled to the wall that describe the most fantastic people and events and ask you, without any more proof, to believe it or not! I think some people treat places like Natural History Museums this same way! Hell, they treat reality this way! "Let's see. I'll believe the article from a fringe conspiracy site which, if I look around the web, has been copy and pasted with all of the same exact typos to dozens of different 'news' sites but I'm not going to believe an article with references and sources because it's totally biased and shit." Fuck you.

Batman and Alfred begin working on identifying where the malicious code came from. I don't want to criticize Batman but there's surely an easier way to figure out who has attacked the Justice League without rooting through computer code. You know that the last tragedy the Justice League prevented from destroying the world resulted in one death. And you know how people always blame the person who didn't save their dead family member instead of blaming the thing that caused the death, right? Well shit! It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes' stupid, younger, rarely heard of brother to figure this case out! Go to Denver and start beating the shit out of Diane Palmer's husband! Or daughter, maybe? One of them, for sure though!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Simon Baz's ring is kicking everybody's ass. While Aquaman is being killed by it, he mutters, "Never would have happened to Jordan." I'm not going to do the research on this but I'm willing to bet it, and worse, has happened to Jordan! He's been around for too long not to have had some shitty ass writer write this same exact story previously! Plus, Jordan is so cocky that he probably once dared some evil mastermind to hack his ring and then his ring was hacked and he was all, "Oops!" And Barry was probably in the background muttering, "Never would have happened to Guy Gardner."

These assholes were more destructive than the Kindred!

The damage in the above scan is just the beginning. Simon's ring knocks him the fuck out with one punch from a light construct boxing glove and the ring begins flipping the fuck out again. Aquaman's big suggestion is to run because...well, because he's Aquaman and he sucks.

How cute. Look at Bryan Hitch trying to do the science!

While The Flash outraces the light construct Omega Beams, Aquaman goes underwater to make the sea life battle for him. They probably win or something because who cares? Aquaman is the worst.

I guess Superman is on vacation with Lois at the Hoover Dam? I suppose nobody has contacted him for help. It's not like Batman would call him. And Batman isn't even worried about the rest of the team having to battle a Green Lantern ring. He's too busy trying to trace the source of the code.

Batman figures out the source of the code before Alfred can even finish making tea. You'll be completely surprised by the culprit: Diane Palmer's husband, James!

It isn't logical at all! Not at all! FUCK YOU!

How fucking sad is it that I knew who the culprit was after reading the first page of this story arc? Fuck you idiot writers with this whole blame the heroes for not saving somebody killed by a villain. Just eat a dick. Unless you enjoy eating dick and then eat some dog shit.

I suppose there might be a few writers at DC who enjoy eating both dick and dog shit but I figure those two choices probably cover a substantial amount of them.

Cyborg kills himself which allows him to reboot without the malicious code. Because that totally works on other machines. Sometimes when my computer is running super slow because I've looked at so much Dark Net Porn that it's absolutely riddled with viruses, I just reboot and everything is okay. Maybe what Cyborg did was more akin to reinstalling the operating system? It's the same thing that happens to the Green Lantern ring although I don't know why. Flash's idea to stop the ring is to attack Simon with deadly force so that the ring would reboot to factory settings which destroys the code and saves Simon's life! Somehow.

Now I want to read a murder mystery written by Bryan Hitch because he seemingly has no idea how to write a story using cause and effect. I think he just gets an idea for a bad thing to happen and then makes up a stupid way for that bad thing to be introduced. Then he writes some dramatic action scenes until the page count is almost over and then he comes up with a stupid thing which saves the day but makes no sense and can be explained by an analogy that has no relationship to the event. Then he has a self-congratulatory jerk off while lying on his back and tries to catch his load in his own mouth.

After Simon's ring is defeated by nonsense, the Justice League head to Denver to have a word with James Palmer. Maybe two words! Two words and six middle fingers!

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! Bryan Hitch is terrible and this story is his worst so far. Maybe his editors are worse because it really isn't Bryan Hitch's responsibility to know how many times the Justice League has had to battle a family member of a victim who blame the Justice League! But somebody should have been, "You know. We really already had this story in the last five years with the David Graves story. And then there was the Superman and Wonder Woman story with Magog that nobody probably remembers. And, I mean, even if you have Batman saying that blaming the heroes who failed to save a loved one is logical, it very fucking well isn't at all. So stop this stupid bullshit and write something original and interesting! Plus get off of that glory hole; you've been bogarting it for like ever, Bryan!"

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