Wednesday, December 28, 2016

The Flash #9

Why is The Flash using Barry Allen's lunchbox?

The singer of "Last Christmas" dying on Christmas and now the star of A New Hope dying isn't being very subtle, 2016. We get it. The world is ending next year. Nobody can wait for this year to be over but I think 2016 is just the John the Baptist to 2017's Jesus Christ. I could go on to explain what I mean by that but, not being Christ-like, I don't explain my analogies and metaphors. Mostly because I assume people are smarter than the twelve idiots Jesus chose to pal around with on his Final Tour. Although having just skimmed Revelations (seeing as how it's practically unreadable, especially when you don't really give a shit about reading it), it feels like The Bible was written by a not too confident auteur who wants to make sure that the audience is getting every bit of their genius, so they explain every single image, analogy, and metaphor. "So, like, the world will be ravaged by locusts. But these locusts are wearing helmets and breastplates and carrying spears, if you get what I'm saying! Wink, wink! They aren't really locusts at all! It's an army!"

The rash of celebrity deaths almost seems like a purposeful smokescreen to distract everybody from the political nightmare that has taken place this year! I'm wondering if David Bowie's death was the canary in the coalmine that we all just ignored. He was too sensitive for the toxic atmosphere of 2016.

On a side note, did anybody else find some of the headlines of George Michael's death particularly insensitive? Who thinks starting an article with WHAM! is appropriate? "WHAM! Singer dead at 53! In your face!" It just seems...oh wait. I just got it. Never mind.

This issue takes place on Halloween. Has it been that long since I've read a Flash comic book? Sheesh!

Iris gets flowers every week without a note and denies she has a secret admirer? Worst investigative reporter ever!

The Keystone Bridge is falling down so Iris has to go look at it and write, "The bridge was fine! Nothing happened at all!" Wally and Barry also make excuses to leave Iris's office so they can go play superhero. While Flash is teaching Kid Flash the best way to save the day, he says, "We could spend all our time getting people off the bridge or we can rebuild the bridge!" Then he begins to rebuild the bridge. Um. Just because he's fast doesn't mean he can rebuild a fucking bridge! I suppose he rushes off to learn how, get the supplies, send Iris some more flowers for next week, and then rebuild the whole thing himself as it's falling into the water? Oh yeah! That sounds plausible!

I should probably either stop complaining about The Flash comic book being implausible or just stop reading it altogether. Oh hey! That's a good idea! This book is off my fucking pull list! Although I still have a few issues left in the stack.

The other Wally West shows up to help because this story is called "Kid Flash of Two Worlds!" I wasn't sure if I was going to like it or not but then the title ended in an exclamation point and I found myself thinking, "This story sounds exciting!"

When Wally and Wally shake hands, Barry Allen has a mental breakdown and begins channeling The Comedian. He flips the fuck out and begins insulting the two Kid Flashes. He also reveals that Daniel West is actually Wally's father so that clears up the mess about needing a mysterious third West child who didn't exist. Not that anybody was still worrying about that since there's so much more to worry about like "Why the fuck do we need two Wally Wests?!"

Wally West points out how when he touched The Flash, it hurt him. But, he theorizes, what if both Wallies touch him at the same time?! Logically, that should...well, it should hurt them both. But instead it works! Barry stops flipping the fuck out! The day is saved! But the issue isn't over yet because I guess that wasn't the main conflict. It seems Second Wally finding out Daniel West is his father is the main conflict. Second Wally runs off crying because everybody has been lying to him his whole life. He decides to go meet his friend Chunk at a Halloween Party. Yes, Chunk is fat. How did you guess?

Chunk is a real nerd, you motherfucking poseurs.

First Wally is the guy saying "Wally?" It seems First Wally and Second Wally instinctively know that they're each a Kid Flash. Although Second Wally doesn't know First Wally is also named Wally. He just knows the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the over-sized green sweater must be the dopey looking guy with the red hair in the second rate Flash costume from earlier in the day.

First Wally teaches Second Wally about self-esteem or something. Who cares? If you need to be taught that you should love yourself, maybe you aren't really worth loving? You ever think of that?! I love myself because I'm entertaining and sexy. But I imagine I wouldn't love myself at all if I were a boring jerk! People would probably tell me, "Oh no! You must love yourself before others can love you! I mean, other people love you know matter what or something!" And I'd be all, "Liar! I suck!" That's probably how most of you feel, right?

Later, First Wally and Barry discuss the flowers that First Wally has been sending to Iris. I guess he wants to fuck his aunt. Weirdo. At the end of their talk, Barry mentions that he saw a winged metal cap in a vision when he was flipping the fuck out earlier. He said it filled him with hope and/or reminded him of the shitty New 52 Earth Two comic book. Unless the second half of that was just me.

The Ranking!
No change. I think this issue was only written to clear up Second Wally's parentage. Maybe it was a little bit about starting the whole Flash Family concept which people seem to like for some reason. I prefer my heroes to be loners with pets.

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