Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #4

I wish the Portland Art Museum would get the Dog Welders Throughout History exhibit.

Yesterday, I received a call from a foreigner who wanted to tell me about my Windows 10 security issues. He began the conversation by asking, "Is this Tess?" And I was all, "Nope!" Nonplussed, he continued, "I'm calling about your Windows 10 security issues and I would like to--". At that point I interrupted him and said that I don't have Windows 10. This was as much a lie as my not being Tess. Again, he forged ahead with his script. I interrupted him one more time and asked, "How much is this costing you?" He said, "Oh, it won't cost you anything!" And I said, "No, no. How much is this stupid scam phone call costing you?" He paused for a second and said, "A lot. Send me the money!" As I was laughing, he hung up. Can I consider that guy my new friend because that was the best phone call I've had all year.

The Review!
I cut the commentary section short because all you need to know about this Garth Ennis book is contained in the following panel:

I suppose I also could have scanned a picture of Dog Welder welding dogs to somebody's face or Bueno Excellente trying to fuck something disgusting but they'd basically transmit the same information, just differing in degree.

Although I suppose, maybe, I should sum up the entire book--in fact, Garth Ennis's entire take on superhero comics--with this panel:

Usually this comic book depresses me because it's so physically revolting that I can think of nothing but my body's inevitable decay. But now I also feel I wasted my entire life while trying to ignore that fact!

Actually, I'm comfortable enough knowing that my life has been nothing but dogwelding, day in and day out. In college, I decided that I was the reincarnation of every great writer that had ever lived because I never learned anything new from anything I read. Everything just reiterated things I'd already contemplated, sometimes simply giving me names to past philosophical musings, like Taoism and Existentialism. I decided that my responsibility in life was to give my previous lives a break. This was the life where they could relax and have fun and just enjoy themselves. That's why I masturbate so much!

This issue ends with The Second Sign screaming out of space toward Section Eight. I hope it's Lobo!

Actually, it ends with a double page spread of Jesse Custer by Steve Dillon. He's dead so I won't critique his art!

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