Thursday, December 1, 2016

Vigilante: Southland #2

Vigilante fights crime high as fuck.

I just read the last issue and I almost forgot how it ended! This one begins with yet another ex-Vigilante (was fucking everybody Vigilante?!) staring creepily at Donny as he lies wounded in bed. It took me much longer than I'm comfortable admitting to remember that Donny blew up at the end of the last issue. This is why there have been so many Goddamned Vigilantes! They're careless as fuck!

I'm just going to end every fifth or sixth sentence throughout this commentary with "as fuck." I think that sentence counts as one of them, right?

Mike, the guy I didn't mention last issue because he was just some nobody scientist in a wheelchair who Donny didn't know, begins the comic book by remembering how he used to ride a motorcycle around town while wearing a costume that was as ugly as fuck. But I guess he got blown up or hit and runned or something too! Because now he's just the guy who makes the gadgets for whatever sucker he can talk into putting on the terrible looking costume. It won't be hard to convince Donny because Donny is hot on the tail of a conspiracy and he's also stoned.

Mike was known as The Eastsider because that's marginally better than the name Vigilante the vigilante. At least it let people know there was a Mexican underneath that mask. Vigilante is pretty nondescript. It's also one typo away from being sort of obscene.

Donny's girlfriend's mom and Mike tell Donny that he shouldn't become the next Vigilante because he hasn't been trained. But I say I don't want to read three issues of him training! Donny seems to agree! He puts on the Vigilante mask, hops on a motorcycle, and sets off to solve The Case of the Dead Girlfriend Who Probably Should Have Been the Main Character.

"A clumsy backpedal that seeks to blame the fans and editors for fucking up The New 52!" -- Grunion Guy.

Vigilante begins his investigation at a kinky sex club. I don't know who he's asking questions or why because I don't care about the mystery part of this comic book. I just want to see Vigilante shoot people in the face while pretending he has the moral high ground. At the sex club, Vigilante battles a half-naked woman with a whip and says the F-word! I didn't know you could swear in a Teen Plus comic book! I thought the Teen Plus rating simply meant a woman was going to enjoy sex! You can't have non-plus teenagers knowing that women like sex just as much as men! At least they do when the man is good at it. That's the main reason women are attracted to confident guys because you know a confident guy can give you an orgasm. Although it's also true that some guys are too stupid to realize they shouldn't be as confident as they are based on their bedroom skills.

"For a series written by Pet Murderers, it's surprisingly light on murdered pets!" -- Grunion Guy.

Vigilante gets his ass kicked by a dominatrix because she's had way more training than he has. Also she's not stoned. What's really strange about the dominatrix is that she has the same weapon as Vigilante except it isn't electrified. What kind of a coincidence is that? If this story doesn't give a reason for it by the end of the series, I'm going to...well, actually, I'll probably forget all about it after I finish typing this paragraph. But it does seem like it should mean something, right?! Does it mean Donny's girlfriend was a dominatrix before she became Vigilante? Is that a standard dominatrix weapon, a mace on a rope? I guess that's technically a flail but this weapon seems different somehow. More sexy!

Meanwhile, Donny's girlfriend's mom does some investigating of her own. At a fancy dress party (American style fancy dress, not British style fancy dress! Nobody is in chicken costumes or Nazi uniforms here), she walks around pretending her daughter's death wasn't that big a deal. Unless she's not pretending. She might not be pretending! So Nina asks a woman where Vance Childers, the man she thinks is responsible for her daughter's death, might have disappeared to.

I've never given this specific an answer to any question I've ever been asked. And I have a college degree!

This woman knows all about the house Childers runs off to but has no idea how to contact him there. I think you've given Nina enough information to find him, Help Advances The Plot Lady.

Back at the Vigilante Cave, Donny learns that Mike can train him to turn his basketball skills into a fighting style. Ooh! Imagine if Mike could do that for the Harlem Globetrotters? They'd be the most elite fighting team in the world! As long as Sweet Georgia Brown was playing, of course.

"Tom King never used any of my fucking blurbs for the cover of Sheriff of Babylon. He can go fuck himself!" -- Grunion Guy.

I hope this comic gets the training over with quickly! Can't I read about a Vigilante that's already battle tested and street ready?! I have to read about some stoner basketball player trying to learn how to fight by getting his ass kicked by a guy in a wheelchair?

Two pages later, Donny realizes he can't beat a guy in a wheelchair. Idiot. Throw a typewriter at him or something! That's probably just the first lesson. It's a pretty lousy lesson since all it did was demoralize Donny before he goes out to follow Nina's lead. Now when he fights a guy standing up, he's really going to shit himself.

Donny discovers that Childers is also looking into the murder of his girlfriend which is why he disappeared. He didn't want to get hit and runned too! Donny breathes a sigh of relief because if he couldn't beat a guy in a wheelchair, no way would he be able to take on a fat, out of shape, middle aged college dean!

Oh! Here's the reason for the Teen Plus! The "fuck" was probably just incidental.

A woman never has to ask if she was any good in bed! If you're a woman and you just let me put my penis anywhere inside of your body, you did a great job! You don't even need to go that far! Sometimes just slowly sliding your hand down the front of my pants is a job well done, and quickly! I think the only time a woman is bad in bed is when she tries too hard. I don't need to think you're the wildest person to ever bone. In fact, the stiller and more corpse-like you are, the better! I don't want to have to remember that you're an individual with a distinct personality and her own agency when I'm defiling you with my love squirts.

As Childers is about to reveal the reason for the conspiracy, he's shot in the head by a sniper! Oh no! That's probably the same sniper who crippled The Eastsider! And just as Childers is killed, the police break down the door and storm the house! Oh no! Vigilante has been framed for murder! And he's still high as fuck!

No wonder The Eastsider was only crippled instead of killed. This sniper needs to get his scope fixed.

The Review!
More of the same 80s action clich├ęs! How about a side of being framed with your vengeance appetizer?! Would you like a glass of conspiratorial cover-up while you wait?

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