Saturday, September 5, 2015

Cyborg #2

Why did Cyborg replace his cock with a fishbowl?

Somebody said they'd like to hear some political commentary out of me so here's some brief political commentary before I really get into some serious shit and start talking about comic books. I think the Democratic Party is going to be hugely fucking surprised by how much voter turnout increases if Bernie Sanders gets the nomination. They're going to realize that they've been going about shit completely wrong by trying to maintain some kind of equitable distance from the political center which the Republicans have steadily been pulling further and further right for decades. They're going to realize just how many voters stopped voting for their party because they've been moving in the wrong direction for far too long. They're going to have to seriously rethink their party base when they realize that a huge part of the voter base that doesn't vote aren't simply being apathetic. As a party, you don't just automatically get everybody's vote because you're the least worst party. Some people actually believe in democracy to the point that they won't participate if you're just going to offer up Republican Lite. Yes, it's worse for a lot of people if the Republicans are in control of things. But the answer to winning elections isn't to become more like Republicans, you asshats. So that's my prediction. Voter turnout is going to increase by a large margin due to Bernie Sanders.

I have this weird feeling, though, that even if Sanders were to win a bunch of early primaries, the media will just continually ignore him.

That's about all the stomach I have for discussing politics. Be here next time when I, once more, put my foot in the ass of the mainstream media. Those guys are the worst.

This issue begins in an alternate dimension where STAR Labs uses an old BEST building as their main headquarters.

They've rearranged the sign to spell as much of STAR Labs as they could with the letters at hand.

Most of you probably don't remember BEST. You should visit this link to see some of their crazy awesome store fronts. As a kid, the BEST Catalog was my go-to Christmas and Birthday catalog for circling dozens of toys that I absolutely needed.

Apparently this actually is an alternate dimension because they have a dead Cyborg hanging from the rafters in the Appliance Section of their headquarters. A blond woman in a wheelchair chastises a mystery person for killing Cyborg in the Sneak Peek story. They'll be happy to know that Cyborg didn't stay dead so he may yet save the universe. Not their universe. Theirs is done. But he might still save his from the Tekbreaker's enemies, the Technosapiens! I could have some of those names wrong because I read a lot of comic books and my brain doesn't have the capacity to keep up.

Moving on to Cyborg, he begins his scene by Narration Boxing a lot of questions that people ask him. The only one he answers is "Do you eat?" Yes, he eats. But he doesn't say how he evacuates waste material. And he doesn't say anything about sex except "It's none of your business." That means he's a virgin and/or he lost his penis. His dad probably replaced it with a white noise blaster.

Cyborg also mentions that he sleeps because he's currently having a dream about electric monsters trying to steal his technology. That might be less a dream and more wi-fi interference from the impending invasion fleet.

Tea and cats? Silas Stone isn't a bad guy at all!

Meanwhile in the more fucked up than the other fucked up side of town side of town, that guy from Issue #1 who was missing an arm and an eye visits an underground cybertech doctor to get an enhanced prosthetic arm and a bionic eye. That probably means he'll wind up robbing banks while under the control of his new parts. The doctor has to get paid somehow. Insurance sure as hell isn't going to cover this experimental crap.

Meanwhile the Technosapiens have stolen the play book of the Borg or the Third Army and have decided that everybody needs to sing the same song so that the universe will be at peace. Sure, if you can get everybody to stay in the same key. Good luck with that.

Bobby, the guy with the illegal implants, has a friend who knows Cyborg so he's going to rat out Bobby and probably get this whole illegal cybernetic body part business shut down. Maybe that will be the reason Bobby turns into a bad guy. Although the way Bobby fell asleep immediately after getting home to rest up after the surgery makes me suspect he's going to go on his Robbery Spree Payment Plan immediately.

Does this picture indicate Black Vulcan is finally part of DC Continuity or is Black Vulcan just part of DC Comic's cartoon world continuity?

Victor meets up with Bobby's friend, Sebastian, by the big Detroit sculpture celebrating fisting. It's at this point that Sebastian rats out the "body shops." While talking, Cyborg gets some more wi-fi interference from the invaders and realizes what it means this time. Aliens are coming to Earth to remove his technology! Probably through his butthole. But first, they stop by Bobby's house to check out his gadgets. I guess I was being too suspicious of the cyber doctors and their motives. It looks like money was all they really wanted and they probably received that up front. Although it appears the aliens are going to recruit Bobby into the super villain world.

Cyborg #2 Rating: No change. It's not bad but I'm still not very interested in Cyborg. So far, this comic book feels like it's playing things too safe. It's a standard alien invasion, multi-dimensional save the universe plot with a small percentage of a protagonist with JeanValJeanitis. You know, he's wondering who he is. I don't know how I'd change the pacing of the book to make it more interesting though. Vic obviously wants people to see him as Victor Stone but even he's not sure how much of Victor Stone is really left. So he's finding himself but most of that is coming across through Narration Boxes and tension with his father. I suppose that's the best way to get the story moving as quickly as possible. If it were up to me, readers would quickly grow bored of the twenty or so issues I spent showing how anxious Vic was in public, and how awkward he now feels around women since even when he had a great non-metal football body, he didn't know how to sex, and how Vic resents his father for being more interested in Vic's electronics than in his emotions and achievements. That shit needs to be put out there quick in super hero comics so we can get to the alien's murdering Earth part. My version would be an indie comic with a distribution of around 100 copies per month. What I'm saying is this might be good enough for super hero comics but I'm long past the point of that being good enough for me! Make it better, Mister Walker! For me! Don't you care about my feelings?

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