Sunday, September 27, 2015

Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.

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