Swamp Thing #39

Is it weird that life and death want to fuck each other?

Is it weird that I think it's weird that life and death want to fuck each other? Maybe there's something wrong with me! I'd better consult Sex-O-Scope to determine what kinds of hang-ups I have about sex!

Oh boy! My turn-ons accurate to a tenth of a degree!

This Sex-O-Scope was programmed years before the internet but it's asking me questions that I can only answer by using the internet! I suppose I could have had some kind of almanac nearby back in the early eighties to tell me what number time zone the Pacific Time Zone is! Or the Latitude and Longitude of the city where I was born! But who the fuck knows those kinds of things off-hand? I suppose people who are into their aspects and which planets are rising in what zodiac! It probably doesn't matter anyway since it asks me to enter three different numbers for both latitude and longitude. I just split them up two numbers at a time. I hope that was right! I don't want to learn that my turn-ons are monkey butts and licorice ropes!

Okay! Now I've given it all the information it needs which seems like it's lacking something. How is it supposed to know my turn-ons and hang-ups with just my name, birth date, time zone, and birth location?! Oh well. Tell me what I want to fuck, Sex-O-Scope!

I'm so excited!

And the initial results:

I don't understand any of this! What does this have to do with orgasms?!

I hope some cuckoo astrology person can interpret this for me! Hopefully the next readout will have something more useful.

Nope! Just more incomprehensible gibberish!

The following readout is a list of planetary aspects that reads like truly terrible Sailor Moon pornographic fanfic.

"Venus is trine Mars"? Everybody sextiling? I think I have a boner?

After a few pages of more boring porn (which I successfully masturbated too though!), I finally reach a page that tells me things I want to learn about myself!

Hey ladies! Apparently I won't take no for an answer! Unless I won't say yes! Wait. What does that mean?

Why is this thing telling me to not get involved lightly with myself?! Hey! Is this thing to test out potential mates and not for insight into one's own sexual depravities?

If this program is to check compatibility with potential mates, how the fuck are you supposed to get all of that latitude and longitude information out of them?! Did people in the seventies used to run around with all of that information so they could compare astrological signs and ascending planets? Was "Hey baby, what's your sign?" often followed up with "And the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates of your place of birth?"

Anyway, according to the Sex-O-Scope, I don't know very many sexual positions. It's true! I only know Reverse Cowbell, Sloppy Dishwashing, and Tangled in Seaweed. Oh wait! There's more exciting information with my sun in Libra!

I'm too good at ménage à troising! I didn't know you could be too good at that! I guess I'm too eager to stick it into any hole I see in the tangle of limbs and eager orifices!

Okay, Sex-O-Scope, now you're getting too cerebral for me.

Apparently I'm also "expansive" and "all-embracing." I didn't realize I was bisexual until now! I'm also "mellow and warm inside." Isn't everybody? But I'm also "over or underwhelming, runs to extremes in quantity, sexual direction. Must learn what is just right amount, stick to it." I wish Sex-O-Scope would tell me the right amount!

I also need "gentle but reassuring prodding to get it on." So I guess when I won't say "yes," you're supposed to keep leaning on me until I give in! That sounds like terrible advice!

Apparently Sex-O-Scope is going to give me a little information on all of the Sailor Scout fuck team-ups listed earlier, so I should probably leave it at that. Especially after Sex-O-Scope begins getting too personal and says I "can't make wishes known, have unrealistic desires, falls into bad scenes without realizing it" and that I'm "helpless!" With the exclamation point! Fuck you, Sex-O-Scope! If you really knew me, you just would have printed the word "MASTURBATER" in big, bold letters!

This Sex-O-Scope thing seems awfully general and generous about the information it's presenting! As if it expects most of the things it's saying to be off the mark but so vague that it doesn't seem like an outright misrepresentation of the person, and then it vomits out so much information that something is bound to sound correct so that the person reading it will say, "Holy shit! I'm totally a friendly, mellow lover, who grows richer with age!" I think this astrology stuff might be bogus!

Why did I waste so much of my time on it!? I don't care that I wasted your time on it. You could have just skipped past all of this bullshit until you saw the first scan of Swamp Thing! Which I'll add now so people not wanting to learn my hang-ups and turn-ons will know where to begin this commentary.

Here! Here is where the actual commentary begins! Stop scrolling!

Last issue, Anton Arcane found himself in the Green and made a desperate plea to The Rot to choose him as their avatar once again. The Rot decided that having Anton Arcane as an avatar has been such a bad idea so many times in their history that maybe this time it's bound to be a good idea! So Anton once again took up the mantle and then he began pissing and shitting all over The Green. Which is why Swamp Thing feels so sick now.

Alec Holland commences tossing his own salad while Lady Weeds watches and offers encouragement. It's even more disturbing because Alec keeps calling her "mama." Swamp Thing just says things like "Please don't put that in your mouth" and "You're using too much teeth."

If only Wolf were around to witness this!

Do I sue Charles Soule over the use of "Plant Man"? That's what my Crayola crayon coloring identity calls Swamp Thing!

A through Omega Calculus have been watching Lady Weeds and they don't like what they see. I mean, they like her butt and her sweet, "I'll cut your dick off while you sleep" smile. But they don't like her recent actions. The way she poisoned the green and had her baby toss Swamp Thing's salad just turn their equations inside out. To them, she's like trying to find the square root of a negative number. And she has to go. The Machine Kingdom simply wanted to organize the kingdoms so that they all ran on time. But Lady Weeds has ruined their plans by poisoning the Green.

Abby returns to find Swamp Thing with his pants around his ankles and his asshole full of saliva. He's also goopy and runny and smelly like a bag of spinach leaves left in the fridge for six weeks. Abby's lost most of her power due to the Parliament of the Rot's terrible decision to give the Avatar job back to Anton. But Swamp Thing has an idea that will fix everything! He knows a guy that always fixes everything!

Hmm. Are you sure that's the guy, Plant Man?

Meanwhile, Lady Weeds makes two plus two equal zero and murders the entire Parliament of Machines. Now when Lady Weeds is killed by Anton Arcane, the dumb machines are going to return to being led by a mouthy toaster.

Constantine helps Swamp Thing get his mojo back so that Swampy can make an assault on The Green. He's got to get it back from Anton and Missus Fungus before he turns into compost. Or mulch. One of those.

Swamp Thing confronts Anton Arcane in the barren wastes of what's left of the Green. But Swamp Thing still has some Green hidden away! It's the jail cell where he trapped the members of the Parliament of Trees and all of the previous avatars. He frees them all and instantly gets chastised by them. "Fucking idiot." "Worst. Avatar. Ever." "Embarrassment to the position!" "Carrot for brains!" Even Anton is shocked at how horrible they treat him.

Swamp Thing #39 Rating: No change. I was really sad to see A Calculus's program stopped by Lady Weeds hitting Control-C. I'm not sure I like her anymore. I didn't mind when she was killing background characters or trying to kill Swamp Thing or finishing off Wolf or getting horrible tattoos all over her silky skin or trying to take over the world. But I have my limits and when she killed cute, adorable little A Calculus, that was too much. I think I could have been good friends with A Calculus. Pros before psychos! "Pros" is short for "programs" here! And "psychos" is short for psychotics!