Green Lantern Corps #39

Oh no! What's his name is in trouble!

I've been staring at the cover of Green Lantern Corps #39 off and on for over twelve hours now. Sort of. I mean, I slept for part of that time. But I was thinking about the book because I can't get past an image in my head and just begin reading and commenting on the book. I want to take a big black Sharpie and draw a cartoon version of John Stewart standing with his hands on his hips and looking out at the viewer. He would say something about knowing he wanted to be an architect because he found so much joy in drawing dungeon layouts for the Dungeons and Dragons games he ran throughout junior high. Behind him and his speech bubble, still in dark black ink, would be an intricate dungeon layout on graph paper with numbered rooms, an ornamental compass rose, and tiny monsters drawn here and there. So that image, an image I know I would fail to draw to my satisfaction, has been clogging up the neural pathways. You see, when I get an idea into my head, I need to pursue it. It's why some of my commentaries are in weird or offensive voices at times, or why a few, here or there, might not make much sense to anybody but me and the driving need in my brain. I'm hoping that talking this out will get me past it but my brain keeps trying to make the idea more and more complex.

Brain: "Wait. Get this. What if you draw a maze with lots of little rooms which can be clicked on to open a new window with a short story about one of the Green Lantern Corps members relating to decisions they've made within this issue?"
Me (which is somehow different from my brain. Some of you understand): "No. That's too much work and most of the people visiting the page won't even notice that you can click on different parts of the image for different links."
Brain: "Bullshit! People know how the web works!"
Me: "Right. That's why nobody ever figured out how my Superball Web Comic worked so I just abandoned it almost immediately after I created it."
Brain: "Bah! That was over a decade ago! Web uses are smarter now!"
Me: "Seriously, Brain? You're an idiot. If anything, they're less savvy because they browse everything on tiny screens and expect UIs to take their hand, put it on their genitalia, and move it around in a rapid, somewhat erotic manner. If a website doesn't do everything for them, they blame the fucking creator instead of their own limited imagination."
Brain: "You're lazy."
Me: "Fuck you! Eat a bullet!"
Brain: "You don't have the guts!"
Me: "I know. Bastard. Just wait until I'm motivated enough to get some anti-psychotics. That'll fucking teach you."
Brain: "Come on now! Let's be cool. Just draw that Stewart picture with the dungeon behind him and we'll go get some Oreos, okay? Would you like that? Some nice, fat Double Stuf Oreos?"
Me: "Well...okay."

"See, brain? This is why I didn't want to do it! There's no payoff! Now give me my fucking Oreos, bitch."

Forget the Oreos! Just having the weight of needing to do that gone from my head is all the reward I need. Life sure would be simpler if my brain would stop coming up with stupid shit to do.

Meanwhile on the planet Zarox, a bunch of Green Lantern Corps member whose names I should learn go about Green Lantern Corps business. Actually, I know most of their names and one or two personality traits. There's Jruk, the one-armed warrior monster from the planet Killdeathmaim. And there's Feska, the mother and thief from Zarox. And there's John Stewart, architect and Dungeons and Dragons nerd. And there's the little pink guy that doesn't talk which is probably why I forgot his name. He's super into philosophy but not very into gossip and he loves to not say anything. People at parties are always, "Who's the little pink guy? He's so mysterious! And he looks like a Tic Tac. I bet he's got one of those super thick Coke can cocks, right?" Is that how people talk at parties?

Oh, that's bullshit, Grandmother Feska. That's just the standard, old person rigmarole! "Things were better in my day when we shamed people into all acting exactly alike and never discussed the rights of the slaves we kept and also we castrated nine out of every ten boys when they were born. So much better, those days!"

Feska's son says the monsters are to blame for turning all of the Zaroxians into "Darkness Falls" spouting zombies. She tells her son that there are no such things as monsters as she uses her ring to turn Jruk into a cute little kitten. Depending on how racist Feska's son is, Feska might also turn John's skin pink. "See? No monsters in here," she says as she slaps Maro's hand away from his pants as he tries to unleash his trouser Kraken.

I didn't spontaneously remember Maro's name. I had to consult Lord Google to figure it out because "slaps the pink mute guy's hand away" didn't work as well as just using his name.

As soon as Feska tells her son that their are no monsters, an Owlbear crashes through the wall. Typical. I mean, you give an Owlbear an opening like that, no saving throw in the rules will stop her from taking it.

Grandmother is killed in the attacks and Feska can't help feeling a little bit relieved that she's not going to have to pay for her care anymore and then she feels guilty and then she feels annoyed that she's going to have to find a new caretaker for her son and then she feels guilty again. You know, the standard emotions when a parent dies. Also, Maro is kidnapped by the Owlbears. What can they say? They love Coke!

"Again!" Or what about, "Unless it's by my own hands!"

Meanwhile on the moon above Ungara, Green Lanterns: The Lost Army continues to prelude up the place. Maybe. It might be something altogether different, actually. Daggle finally finds his old partner acting as a slave master overseeing a mysterious building project. Probably a new color Lantern Corps! I'm hoping for a Fuchsia Corps!

It seems the Shadow Empire (hey! Those are the same guys on Zarox! Coincidence?!) is building a contraption to spread shadow seeds all over the universe. The Shadow Empire is run by a woman that was poisoned by the Inversions to bring the Empire of Tears back to fruition. The woman was saved by Abin Sur and taken back to Ungara where she began to resurrect the Empire of Tears. I guess that's a bad thing. I mean, the Guardians fought a long war against them, so maybe the Empire of Tears are the good guys? It's sometimes hard to tell which side, good or evil, the Guardians support in any conflict.

Back on Zarox, Stewart wills up a light construct of something he's quite familiar with from years as an architect: a double headed lower back "massager." Leaning over the drawing table really does a number on the lower back. Just ask Mike Brady.

Once underground, the group are attacked by more Owlbears. That's when John Stewart creates a few more contraptions he's quite familiar with: a Gatling strap-on and an over the shoulder dildo holder.

Shoulder mounted pocket rocket?

My entire office smells like Sharpie now. Huff on that, Brain!

As you can see, this is one of those times when John Stewart deems killing is okay. I don't know how he decides when it's okay and when it's not. It must be a very tricky equation because most of the situations all seem the same to me. Sometimes he meets up with an incomprehensible alien and he decides it's just an incomprehensible alien that shouldn't be killed. Sometimes he meets up with an incomprehensible alien and he decides it's a slavering, growling monster that needs to be put down before it kills again!

Stewart and his Lanterns discover a cavern deep within Zarox with a large bomb inside of it. It's vaguely familiar to Stewart, having seen it once before in real life and then over and over again every time he falls asleep only to wake up screaming.

No problem! This thing can be filled with yellow wires now and it's not going to stop him!

Green Lantern Corps #39 Rating: No change. It's time for John Stewart to get some closure or something. I guess he'll save this world from the bomb then realize that he could have saved the other world too. I mean, he'll realize he can only do what he can do and he can't save everybody but sometimes he can. Or something. Then he'll cry for three days straight before waking up, have four slices of bacon, some sourdough toast with half a pat of melted butter on each slice, exactly one scrambled egg (heavy on the pepper), and a cup of pulpy orange juice. He'll smack his mouth through the entire meal, relishing it with, um, relish! And then he'll stand up, stretch, make a huge bowel movement (in the toilet! Not in his pajamas in the middle of the kitchen), and he'll be thoroughly cleansed of his guilt and sorrow. A new day will begin for John Stewart! And that day will not be recorded in any comic books because, well, pretty much all of the Green Lantern titles are ending next month. Sorry, John!