Monday, February 16, 2015

Constantine #22

Constantine's "birth date" must just be a reference to his first actual appearance in Swamp Thing.

I can see DC Comics wanting Constantine to be about twenty-nine. It makes sense since they don't want fucking old people in their comic books anymore. I think Batman being about thirty-two is really pushing the limits of age acceptability. But it makes no sense for John to have been born in 1985 if he hung around CBGBs and the punk scene in New York. I suppose the stories about Constantine and Nick Necro could have taken place in a post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk scene of the mid-naughts. You remember that scene, right? That was a pretty wild scene. Right? Wasn't it a scene? Did I get the name wrong? Can we at least pretend it was a scene so we can hear people say, "Dude, I was there! Right smack fucking dab in the middle of the post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk explosion, man!"

Last issue, John Constantine killed Earth-2 John Constantine because that's the closest he'll ever be able to come to killing himself. Except for that time he killed himself when he had lung cancer but that doesn't really count because he knew the bureaucracy and red tape to recover his soul would be so confusing that nobody would allow him to die. So that was less a suicide attempt and more just being a Smart Alec.

Constantine also opened a gate between Earth-2 and Earth-Main-Earth so he could finally return home after his relatively boring trip into the past. He was hoping to take along his lost family and friends but after murdering their John right in front of them, he's kind of lost them as well. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs is still trying to hitch his oxen to the wagon that he's hoping to hitch to Constantine's star because he wants to stop being Doctor Cocoa Puffs and once again become good old normal Doctor Fate. But I'll only ever call him that when he resides on Earth-Main-Earth! So he'd better come up with a spell that allows him to follow John! This story probably takes place after Doctor Cocoa Puff's trip to Apokolips where Khalid and Nabu become best friends and easy lovers.

Making friends the John Constantine way!

Constantine doesn't want these people thinking he's the worst liar and murderer to ever exist, so he takes them on a site seeing tour of Heaven where God is shutting up the Pearly Gates and leaving the universe because He's afraid of Darkseid. So Constantine's argument is what? "I may have just killed their best friend but look at God! What a Dick, right?!" Why would they even believe what they're seeing is real? He's shown he can do great feats of magic and he's shown that he's a great big bloody lying bastard! Do those make for a trustworthy tour guide?

Doctor Cocoa Puffs continues to hamper Constantine's escape attempt. He can apparently shoot Ankh-shaped fish hooks into the portal that John opened but he can't follow himself unless John allows it. In his fishing attempts, he manages to snare Earth-2 John's Mom and pull her off of Constantine's Tenser's Floating Disc. Constantine's fake family get even angrier.

You know, John, some people's base motivation isn't simply self-preservation at any cost. I know! It's crazy. It should be but it isn't for some reason!

General Apathy continues to hound Constantine as well. I guess it can travel in the spaces between worlds too. Probably because it was told it can't and it was just all, "Boundaries? Limits? Whatever."

Constantine and his group (composed of many more people than just his pseudo-family and quasi-friends. I guess he just grabbed up everybody near the spell in London) travel through The Green and The Grey and The Red until they wind up in the Astral Realm. Even here, Parademons attack a blue flame that is the source of life in the universe. Is this like that light that Lobo kept trying to snuff out in the Magenta Timeline? But Constantine ignores it because fuck the Earth-2 universe! Put a spork in it, as the kids say, because it's too hard to eat with just a fork or a spoon. And then Constantine and his new frenemies are suddenly through into the Earth-Main-Earth universe! And they brought a gigantic hand with them!


Is it the Anti-Monitor's hand? The Anti-Monitor really hates Earths that aren't Earth-Main-Earth. And he probably hates that Earth too even though he never got a chance to show it.

Apparently it's just Darkseid's hand. And he's suddenly become interested in Constantine because Darkseid likes to find new Universes to consume and Constantine has shown the ability to cross from one to the next. Constantine throws a bunch of survivors at Darkseid's hand because fuck them. They would have already been dead anyway if it hadn't been for Constantine. Now he's trying to save Universe-Main-Universe and the only way to do it is to pull a con on Darkseid and he's only got one issue left.

Constantine #22 Rating: No change. Darkseid didn't recognize Earth-Main-Earth's universe but that was probably because only his hand made it through the portal and Darkseid is no Ten Eyed Man. If Darkseid had known which universe Constantine had escaped to, Darkseid might have retreated of his own free will. Not the universe that kicked his ass! Not the universe with The Batman that humiliated him and his son and his Glorious Godfrey! Not the universe that put Highfather in his place with a proper scolding from Hal Jordan! No reason to kick that universe full of hornets when there are 50 others to kick that are full of easier victims, like cartoon rabbits and Chibi Superheroes and Marvel families that can't even say "crap" or take advantage of Georgia Sivana's wonderful traits.

I just realized next month is going to be a pretty exciting time with Last Issues all over the place!

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