Friday, February 27, 2015

Justice League #39

Superman's thumb is jacked up.

Once again, the Justice League faces a possible world ending crisis. And the person behind it all? Lex Luthor. And he's still on the team? Yeah, probably. Sure, he claims it was an accident but the Amazo Virus is still his fault. Batman once knocked out Guy Gardner with far less reason; I think it's time Bats gave Lex a shot too.

The Virus has pretty much infected everybody except Wonder Woman, Superman, and Lex Luthor. Maybe a few other billion humans haven't been affected either but when have they mattered? I'm only discussing characters that will get a few lines in this comic book. Now they have to battle the other members of the Justice League who have turned into a bunch of zombies controlled by some kind of virus hive mind. I expect about ten pages at least to be wasted on another good guy on good guy battle before Lex Luthor points out that Superman's body is full of antibodies so he needs to start pissing in the eyes of the infected to cure them. If that doesn't happen, I'm going to be severely disappointed.

You also battled her more recently in the pages of Batwoman! Remember?! Or is that story, like the Killer Croc story from Batwoman, not canon anymore?! It had one of the top ten emotional moments for me in The New 52 when Diana put Pegasus out of his misery!

While Lex Luthor runs off to fix up a cure by taking a sample of Superman's blood, Wonder Woman remains behind to stall the League. They're slowly getting their powers back which could be trouble. Especially when Aquaman is once again able to communicate with fish. *snicker*

The best part about getting to fight her mind controlled teammates is that Wonder Woman gets to take out all of her frustrations on them without paying any kind of cost. Batman was a condescending prick? Break his nose! Once caught Shazam trying to peak down your top? Kick him in the balls. Flash made too many corny jokes? Break his...oh wait. I was thinking of Wally. Flash bored you over and over and over again? Break Barry's ankle.

Captain Cold joins the battle to fight by Wonder Woman's side.

Hmm. This seems oddly familiar!

This is Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman and me as Captain Cold! Just in case half of you internet denizens can't tell, my outfit is blue and gold, not white and black!

While they battle, Lex Luthor lectures Superman on diseases. But for some reason, he includes hemophilia in his list of diseases that have killed leaders and dynasties. Probably because he couldn't think of very many examples so he padded his list with genetic disorders. After Geoff Johns' bit about bats being blind and bullets freezing in mid-air if the temperature of the air were reduced to absolute zero, I'm beginning to think I might have to evict Ann Nocenti from the Knowledge Fun Farm and replace her with Geoff Johns. And let's not forget his bad math in Justice League #7 where the team explain how often Cyborg's BOOM Tubes yank them off to Apokolips!

Which means you're going to have to piss in everybody's eyes! Get the Gatorade ready! Stat!

Captain Cold winds up saving the day by confusing Patient Zero with his freeze gun. That gives Superman the go ahead to use his freeze breath which he was worried about using because he didn't want Patient Zero stealing his copyright. Apparently the virus can't deal with the cold, so Superman freezes him into solid ice and all the other infected zombies drop to the ground and slide back into comas. Hurray! I think.

Lex Luthor pouts because he didn't get to save the day his way. Although the day is far from saved! I'm sure a big twist is about to happen! Like Patient Zero escaping with his heat vision!

Except that doesn't happen. Everybody gets vaccinated except for those few families that don't understand science so I guess they die instead. Or The Flash just inoculates them when they aren't looking and then throws a dead bee on the ground near them so they're none the wiser. But three percent of the infected get to retain their super powers! It's like Bloodlines all over again! A whole bunch of new heroes waiting for Work For Hire writers to create them so DC can cash in on the ones that become popular! Three cheers for corporate greed!

Plus some guy named Amos Fortune eats a candy cigarette as he watches the sunset and thinks about how none of the assassins he sent out managed to kill Lex Luthor.

And what of Patient Zero?!

Surprise twist! He's the new Amazo!

And finally, Hal Jordan comes back to Earth to teach Power Ring how to control her symbiotic alien ring. I'm sure it works almost exactly like a Green Lantern ring. Except exactly the opposite.

Justice League #39 Rating: +2 Ranking because Captain Cold was pretty much the hero. Everybody should start kissing his ass now. This is probably a better version of Amazo simply because I like him being an incubator for a sentient virus more than I like him being a robot. And I guess we're not done with Darkseid since next issue is the prelude to something called The Darkseid War. Fucking Christ. After World's End, I really don't care if I never read another Darkseid or Apokolips story in my life! I might have to kill myself before Justice League #41. Not #40 because I think I can handle a prelude! Plus I don't want to miss the big Conversion Event!

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