Action Comics #39

I bet Clark Kent doesn't report on this adventure.

Last issue, Superman was still trying to plug the leak in The Phantom Zone with the help of the psychic citizens of Smallville. It sounds like an Elseworlds tale but it's really just another Greg Pak story. They always sound like Elseworld stories which is why nobody ever remembers what happened at the end of the story. I have a sneaking suspicion that a whole lot of residents of Smallville are going to have some gaps in their memories by the end of this story.

Lana Lang has been taken inside the portal so before the leak is plugged, Superman and Steel have to venture inside to find her.

Gross. I think the portal was something's anal sphincter.

So who wants to read my theory?! The Phantom Zone is actually a universe-sized creature! The part of the Phantom Zone Superman is used to is the many galaxy wide empty spaces of the creature's lungs. The hole in The Phantom Zone over Smallville is a gateway into the creature's asshole. All of the monsters coming out of it and attaching themselves to the residents of Smallville are sentient anal warts. The mists of horror covering Smallville are a combination of blood and fecal matter passing out of The Phantom Zone's ass as gaseous vapors. Superman is going to have to burn up all the sentient anal warts with his heat vision and tie off several hemorrhoids which are causing the bloody fecal mist. Then he'll rub a nice, cooling salve all over the portal and give it a tender kiss. The day will be saved!

If I'm wrong, I'll eat Scott Lobdell's underwear!

To protect themselves against fear, Steel and Superman literally harden their hearts. They use organic metal! Somehow that makes things not so scary. Next time I'm really sad, I'm going to eat a wrench. Will that help? I think that will help.

I still don't know what organic steel is. Superman refers to it as "them" so I guess it's giant, radioactive ants?

"Beep beep beep. We are now robots. We do not understand love. Beep beep beep."

The Robo-Boys discover Lana in the mouth of the biggest sentient anal wart Steel has ever seen. Superman has seen a few bigger in his day but then he's been all over the galaxy. But Superman remembers he once met this anal wart twenty years ago in a cornfield in Smallville. This sentient anal wart even had a name: Ultra-Humanite! He doesn't know why he escaped the Phantom Zone twenty years ago but after crawling back inside to escape Superboy's universe shattering punches, he was stuck once again. Until Doomsday pulled a goat.se on The Phantom Zone!

Heeeeeeeere's Doomsday!

Whew! I was worried I wasn't going to work in a Stephen King reference this issue! You know, since this story is about horror and all.

Lana is all, "Don't save me Superman! I'm done for! You can't save everybody!" And Superman is all, "That's not Lana speaking! The last time I talked to her, she was all, 'You asshole! You couldn't save my parents! You stupid prickfaced fucknugget! Why can't you save everybody?!'" So Superman knows the monster is playing tricks on him. So he tears off his covering of giant radioactive ants and falls into a terror filled fugue state where he relives the scariest moments of his life!

Unless they're the best moments of his life. It's hard for me to tell! I spend most of my life as if my heart is covered in giant radioactive ants! But Superman does remember how he laughed at a fart joke on television so that's canon now. I hope Batman doesn't find out Superman thinks farts are funny! He'll lose the last ounce of respect he has for him.

Superman then fantasizes about everybody he loves dying. That probably gives him a sense of relief which will cause the Ultra-Humanite to lose its grip on him. He'll be, "A-ha! I know how to beat you! If I just pretend everything I love is dead, you can't make me scared!" And the Ultra-Humanite will be all, "But you can't just...that's utterly ridiculous!" And then Superman will punch the Ultra-Humanite in the Lana Lang and it will go, "AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH!" And then the day will be saved and everybody will find themselves standing around the barber shop in Smallville going, "What just...was I getting a shave? Happy birthday!"

If that's not how this plays out, I'll eat Ann Nocenti's underwear!

Feeling Superman's fear, the Ultra-Humanite releases Lana Lang and scoops him up in his mouth. Oh! Maybe Clark will fart on it to save the day! That fart bit was just foreshadowing!

That's going to be the name of my first mystery novel: The Foreshadowed Fart.

See? Sentient anal warts!

The people of Smallville seal the anal sphincter and the day is saved. The next day (one that doesn't need saving), everybody enjoys a double funeral as The Kents and The Langs are reburied in the Smallville Cemetery.

Wait! She's not mad at him? Look out, Superman! This is the part of the movie with the twist scary ending where the creature isn't dead at all! Lana is still the monster! She's still the monster!

Superman flies everybody home at the end. It looks like he's recovered a bunch of creatures from his menagerie that had disappeared at the end of Doomed. And Lana is just Lana! The big twist super scary ending doesn't happen until the last panel when we get a shot of the Smallville cemetery where a tentacle peeks out from behind Jonathan Kent's grave!

Action Comics #39 Rating: No change. So are the people of Smallville psychic now thanks to the Brainiac coma? They never lost the power in the story. And if they're psychic, aren't all the people of Metropolis psychic as well? A lot of them fell into Brainiac comas too! Come to think of it, nearly the whole world fell into Brainiac comas! Maybe only the residents of Smallville turned psychic because they were the first to turn and spent the longest time comatose. Hopefully next year, we'll get a Smallville comic where the whole town is going crazy and in an uproar because all the usual small town gossip is known instantly by everyone. Shotguns are going to come into play!

Also, I think I was close enough on my predictions so I probably don't have to eat any underwear, right?