Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1

This is why The Joker is trying to kill off The Batman.

Happy Valentine's Day! Remember how everybody you know probably made some kind of Friday the 13th joke about Valentine's Day this year? That was pretty funny! Pretend I said the funniest line you remember. Go ahead. Just attribute it to me. Any time you think, "I wonder who said that witty, wonderful, and charming thing?", just convince yourself it was Tess who said it! It probably was anyway!

The issue begins with Harley Quinn imitating Jack Sparrow. But some killjoy comes up and tells her to try acting like everybody else and to stop endangering her own life by having fun. His philosophy probably has something to do with living as long as humanly possible no matter how fucking boring and mundane that life is. Me? I want to go out in a big flaming explosion of doughnuts and blow jobs! Preferably blow jobs being performed on me but I'll take what I can get as long as their are doughnuts and explosions as well.

On second thought, I'd like to live through that. Please don't make me die ever.

How many crap jokes is this poor guy going to have to endure?

Over in Gotham City which is a totally different place than New York (somehow), Bruce Wayne learns that he's to be auctioned off for charity. Some lucky lad or lady is going to pay to go on a date with Bruce Wayne! It will just be dinner, of course. Unless the winner is hot enough to extend dinner into a night of rough fucking. And if she's super duper hot and intelligent and artsy, Bruce may even confide in her about his secret life as Batman and she can look forward to a horrible untimely demise at the hands of one of The Batman's many enemies! Perhaps The Mighty Carp?

The big twist surprise that nobody was expecting comes on the next page where Harley learns about Bruce Wayne's charity date and decides she needs to win the auction so she can break off a piece of Kit-Catwoman's Bat. Harley calls Tony up to plan a few robberies targeting some of the most vile people in America. You know, the rich ones that got rich by any means necessary. The ones that grew up realizing that the easiest way to win Monopoly was to be the banker and just fucking steal as much money out of the bank as possible while nobody else was looking. And then lie about where all the money came from!

Is this foreshadowing for the jokes at the Mighty Carp's expense later? I mean other than just being true. Napping and crapping are some spectacular activities.

Harley falls asleep and we learn that Harley's beaver talks in her sleep. That's weird.

Harley dreams about a life with Bruce Wayne. She dreams about herself in a polo outfit and diamond underwear and a bikini and an evening gown. It's a shame she isn't dreaming about a life with Pamela Isley. Then Poison Ivy could be in a polo outfit and diamond underwear and a bikini and an evening gown! But instead she dreams about Bruce who wants so many kids that she kills and eats him and flushes him down the toilet (after pooping him out of her behind). I guess napping while dreaming about crapping is as good as it gets. But Harley doesn't like the talk of children, so she wakes up in a cold sweat. People only ever have a cold sweat when they have a nightmare or when their spouse is about to talk to the person they've been fucking behind their spouse's back.

After waking from the nightmare, her beaver hasn't quite gotten enough so it suggests she think sexy thoughts and go back to sleep to try again. Maybe this time she'll dream about Poison Ivy and Harley's beaver will be satisfied.

Yay! Somebody's waking up with goopy underwear!

Later that night, Tony and Harley take an Ice Cream Truck and head out to rob some rich asshole that totally isn't based on some other rich asshole. It doesn't take long because Harley beats the guy with a bat and smashes a Ming vase over his head and breaks his kneecaps with a hammer. And that was all after the guy tells them where he keeps his money! Um, mostly. I guess the first thing she did was hit him with the bat while saying this really hilarious pun that I can't even remember now. But oh boy was it a good one!

Meanwhile The Carp has acquired a sidekick named Sea Robin and a magical formula that allows him to leap great distances. Like a carp, I guess. He has yet to hear a crap joke. But then, he's yet to run into Harley as well.

I guess everybody attending the event expected a few of the bidders to get this out of control since nobody seems to care about the woman bleeding out in the middle of the ballroom.

Harley tries to stop The Carp from robbing the place but is laid out by a Taser net. Then Bruce Wayne is covered in Puffer Fish poison and begins to hallucinate a life with Harley Quinn. I'm beginning to sense a pattern with these Harley Quinn One Shots!

Harley figures that if she's sleeping with Batman, she might as well be his new Robin. I didn't mean for that to sound as perverse as it does. Oh, what the heck. Yes I did. The Dynamic Doing It With Each Other have a case to solve that involves Catwoman stealing some cat thing! How despicable!

Hopefully Harley doesn't investigate all the names in that little Black Book because I bet most of them are dead and that would make things weird between her and Batman.

Bruce Wayne wakes up to find himself kidnapped by The Carp who wants five million dollars in ransom or Bruce Wayne dies. Using his greatest detective skills, it looks like Bruce is going to find out that Carp wants to use the money for a good reason and will end up cutting him a check for his freedom. But maybe not before Harley mounts a rescue attempt that will fail spectacularly! At least she's bringing in Poison Ivy to help out. So if she doesn't get to fuck Bruce, she'll definitely be fucking Pamela.

Harley goes in alone with tear gas just as Bruce strikes a deal with The Carp. Hopefully she doesn't kill The Sea Robin with a crowbar because that might fuck Bruce up a little bit.

This was cute and made up for the part where Harley said, "Squeeee."

After the "rescue," Harley and Bruce go on their date where Bruce learns that Harley is really turning her life around. At least the parts of her life she admits to. I notice she doesn't mention the crap catapult or the occasional mindless killing.

The exact moment The Joker decided Batman needed to finally die.

No wait! Maybe this was the exact moment!

Apparently Batman practices kissing like a cold fish when he's in the cowl. That's why Catwoman likes him so much! You know? Because cats like fish! Batman must also spray some kind of Bat-De-Cologne-ifier on himself when he puts on the costume, especially immediately after going on a date as Bruce Wayne.

Harley Quinn basically tells Batman to get the fuck off of her building and fly back to "his" stupid fucking city. He threatens to stalk her and then flies away happy that he took bad kissing lessons.

Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1 Rating: Hasn't Harley reached critical mass yet? I wonder if it's the success of this title that made DC Comics see the error of their ways in selling continuity to their fans. This title has next to no ties with the regular DC Universe and yet it sells like flapjacks on a day when people are really hungry for flapjacks. This along with Batgirl's new upbeat makeover and Gotham Academy's super fricking fucking cuteness overload may have awakened DC Comics to the possibility that fun, whimsical comics are a good thing. They can still have dark and desperate in some titles. But not every fucking title has to be a huge boner killer. I'm really looking forward to the June makeover, especially if they keep The New 52 universe but allow for some major flexibility with stories in other universes. They don't all have to take place in the same universe, guys! You've got 52 of them! Maybe one of them should be a world where every person but Barbara Gordon is in a wheelchair! They can all be computer whizzes and she can't even figure out a calculator! Not even one of those programmable ones which overconfident parents often buy their kids only to realize later that their kids don't even know what most of the buttons mean.