Twat Lobo #5

Finally, Cullen Bunn is delving into the one thing that always defined Lobo: romance!

See? Would I lie to you, loyal readers?

I just dug through a bunch of comic book boxes looking for issues of Lobo by Alan Grant and I only found from #48 on. It looks like the older issues remain in my childhood home. I also realized I don't have my run of The Demon. And now I feel empty inside! I think I need to plan a trip home soon to pick up all of my old comic books. Oh, and to see my mom!

I found a lot of comics that I'm surprised I owned. Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier #1. The first three issues of Identity Crisis. Maybe that's why I purchased the hardcover when it came out because I wanted to see how the story ended. But fuck all if I even remember reading the individual issues. I also discovered this gem which is relevant to the current Teen Titans run:

I don't remember this (or the other issues of The Power Company that I own) at all. I'm sure I purchased it on the strength of Busiek's Astro City.

The Power Company is about an eighth of an inch wider than other comics. I thought maybe new comics had shrunk not just in pages but in size, but Twat Lobo #5 is the same size as Lobo #54.

Anyway, let's turn our attention to far less interesting matters: Twat Lobo! The issue begins with Twat Lobo killing off yet another of Earth's would-be assassins. When is he going to have trouble killing one of them? I guess that will be the final target, right?

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

What does "just this side of binary code" mean? Are her spells just long strings of either Eye of Newt or Toe of Frog? TOE EYE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE EYE TOE EYE EYE TOE TOE EYE TOE EYE.

Twat Lobo shoots Zarielle Thane in the face and walks away. I doubt she's dead though because Cullen Bunn gave her a name! She'll be back using Binary Magic!

Next on Twat Lobo's list is a guy named The Businessman. Sounds scary! To get some information on the whereabouts of The Businessman, Twat Lobo interrupts two employees fucking in the middle of the office on everybody's last day.

How does Twat Lobo know she could do better? Or he could do better? Whichever one he was actually talking to. And what does "better" even have to do with it? They just want to fuck before never seeing each other again! What does "better" have to do with it? Unless Twat Lobo knows instinctively how good each of these people are at fucking and he's just trying to hand down some friendly advice so they don't waste their time on awkwardly bad sex.

Up on the 42nd 23rd Floor, Twat Lobo discovers lots of dead security guards and a woman called The Pariah. She's from Xrexia, Czarnia's sister planet (whatever that means). And she's the last of her kind too! I guess that means these two are destined to fuckfight. It's plain to see! Especially if you close the comic book and look at the cover again. Yep! There it is! Fuckfighting right out in the open!

So they fuckfight for a bit with a lot of yakking about how Xrexia was destroyed when Czarnia blew up and how Czarnians and Xrexians are apparently the same species because sister planets and comic books and fuck you and what not.

She obviously doesn't know Twat Lobo very well. He gets a boner every time he kills.

Twat Lobo's kink for killing isn't anything near as strange as The Pariah's kink though.

Eww! Guts turn her on! Gross! She probably uses them like anal beads!

So Xrexia was colonized by anti-Emperor Czarnians and the Emperor was all, "Sure! No problem! Let them go live free from my rule!" You know, the way emperors always do. So understanding. I suppose he couldn't stop the initial batch from fleeing but according to Twat Lobo's recent flashback, the emperor did set up a policy of destroying all ships leaving Czarnia for Xrexia.

Apparently there is one of those ancient prophecies that like to impose themselves on comic book characters. This one states that one day The Pariah and The Lobo would bring back both of their races from ruination! But that can't happen because Twat Lobo has a code and that code says something about how The Pariah has to die for some reason. I guess she's one of the Earth Assassins and she's taking out her competition as well. So I guess she's the one with which Twat Lobo is going to have a tough time dealing!

The Pariah leaves Twat Lobo to heal because she really wants to save the fuck part of the fuckfight for later. After Twat Lobo heals, he finds half of The Businessman crawling for safety. Before Twat Lobo kills him, The Businessman delivers a message from The Pariah: she destroyed Czarnia, you fucking toolbag.

Twat Lobo #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I remember Real Deal Lobo's name meant something about one who devours one's entrails and thoroughly enjoys it. But Twat Lobo's name is a rank or a position. Has he explained that yet? I'd like him to re-explain it if he did because I missed it. It makes more sense that there is a prophecy about The Lobo and The Pariah if these were positions that existed for centuries on both planets. Anyway, this issue was much better than previous issues, probably because Twat Lobo never said, "Sorry. Not sorry." I hope Sheba returns soon.