Wonder Woman #39

She'll bring home the bacon! Fry it up in a pan! Beat up some bad guys! And never let you forget you're Superman!

Poor, poor Wonder Woman! She's so stressed out from her busy life as a surrogate mother to Zeke, as a crime fighter for the Justice League, as a girlfriend to Superman, and as a princess to the Amazons on Paradise Island. Nobody ever told her being a modern woman would be so difficult! Well, Aquaman tried to tell her. But who listens to him?

Wonder Woman has been devoting most of her time to one of the Justice League's new mysteries. Small villages around the globe have been disappearing and nobody knows why. Although the first one was wiped out by a flood when a dam was destroyed, I thought. That didn't seem like much of a mystery at all! But everybody, including Swamp Thing, treated it as a mystery. It's possible Meredith Finch wasn't able to explain it as well as she would have liked to since David kept pestering her about writing parts of the story that would highlight Wonder Woman's ass. But now while investigating one of these lost villages, Superman has also been lost! Let's hope he hasn't been mind controlled again!

Does a drone with a spotlight constantly follow Wonder Woman around to light her perfectly?

So they found Superman smashing bugs deep in the tunnels. I'm sure he's not being controlled by a super insect lodged in his ear or anything. They follow a swarm of the bugs deeper into the cave where they find hundreds of humans wrapped up in spider webs. They also discover a humanoid figure standing in the middle of the cavern. Wonder Woman decides the best course of action is to run up and stab it in the back. No "Hello, can we help you?" No "What are you doing in this bug infested cave, sir?" Not a single doubt that this figure is behind the disappearance of all the villagers across the world. Even if I were to believe that this is Wonder Woman's usual attitude, it would be hard to swallow that she's being this careless in the same storyline where she already did this same exact thing to Swamp Thing only to find out she was attacking an ally. Hopefully she's right this time about this person being an enemy because she practically chops off a kidney on her first surprise attack.

Well, at least he was definitely one of the enemies.

As you can see, Wonder Woman has now proclaimed herself justice. When people have been kidnapped and used for food by ravenous insect people, she'll be there! When Superman needs a hot bowl of soup and person he can vent to about his day (while she hopefully remains quiet about hers), she'll be there! When Zeke needs to be protected from Zeus's first born asshole, she'll be there! When the Amazons need a leader to protect them against rampaging monsters, she'll...well, she can't be everywhere now, can she?

After nearly murdering the insect man, Superman stops her because he doesn't approve of the way she's acting. That's when she sends the men out of the room so she can have a good cry. Because nobody wants to read a too masculine Wonder Woman who only punches and stabs and murders! That's a total turn off! We need her to be all feminine and emotional as well! It's a good thing the Finches are keeping the proper balance of the Wonder Woman we're all used to, vacillating between blood lust and emotional collapse!

Oh, fuck you and your man-lines, Batman.

The Finches are writing the definitive Wonder Woman story here! Here we see how they're comparing what it's like to be a "woman" super hero versus being a "man" super hero. It's quite different, you know! But it takes a great writer and artist to portray the subtleties between the sexes. As you can see, Batman is a man not just because he has "man" in his name but because he is coldly logical and doesn't let his emotions get in the way. Wonder Woman is a woman not just because she has "woman" in her name but because she's ruled by emotion over boundaries and rules. She kills not because she's a violent, testosterone riddled hairy beast but because she's so consumed with love for her fellow human that anybody capable of killing other humans must be killed. And then she cries about it, just in case you didn't understand how feminine she is after she's been spattered in blood and gore.

Batman acts like a male when he points out that he's better than Wonder Woman. See how he makes sure she realizes that he won't be responsible for the death of this insect-man because he has self-control. But she acted like an amateur that doesn't understand that Batman believes everybody needs to follow the same rules he follows. That's what men do! They think everybody should act how they act because duh! They're men!

That's right, sister! You put that fucker in his place!

This argument has probably been pointed out to Batman a number of times over the course of his career. I know I've mentioned it once or twice that, at times, Batman's lack of killing only assures that more people will die. It's ultimately arrogant and simply maintains Batman's thirty two year streak of never having killed anybody. People might die but at least Batman can point out that he didn't kill any of them, whether or not their deaths could have been prevented if he'd only killed the person that killed them. I think this argument only works if we discard Batman's "higher standard" argument. I've never been a fan of the idea that Batman doesn't kill because then he'd be like the criminals he tries to stop. Who the fuck cares?! But if we, and Wonder Woman, were to understand that Batman doesn't kill because he knows it will drive him to a place where he kills again and again because it's easier, then I completely understand why Batman refuses to kill. Like an addict, he knows that one kill will lead to more kills. That's the way I see Batman's aversion to killing. But in that scenario, Batman needs to simply shut up about the possible blood on Diana's hands. If his aversion to killing is simply about himself, then he shouldn't become a didactic, preachy dick to other people who choose to kill. Unless, perhaps, he seems to see something of himself in them and their drive to kill. I think if it were a personal choice because he's a murder addict, his relationship with Jason Todd would really come into focus and become a whole lot more interesting.

Later, Wonder Woman questions herself because Batman questioned her. Could he know her better than she knows herself?! I mean, probably because he is The Jeezly Crow Batman! The ghost of her mother appears to tell her she's doing what she's supposed to be doing since she's an Amazon and Amazon's love to murder out of fear. Seems like good advice!

And then finally, the lost male "Amazons" appear in the comic. Just in time to see them packing up to leave the island!

Good riddance to man rubbish! Get the fuck out! Don't let the door hit you on the dick on the way out!

Why does Wonder Woman even care? Weren't these brothers of the Amazons fine living with Hephaestus? Why can't they just go back to that life? Besides, who wants to live on an island full of women but you can't have sex with any of those women because they're all your sisters?! Some weird hanky panky is going to eventually take place and I'm going to feel really grossed out when I'm aroused by it.

Diana heads into Themyscira to tell her people to leave the whiny, pathetic, impotent men alone. But when she enters the city, she finds a crowd of people listening to a woman she's never seen before: Donna Troy!

What?! That's like the exact opposite of Wonder Woman's plan. I sense conflict in their future!

Wonder Woman is all, "The men are mine! I protect them because they are weak!" And Donna Troy is all, "Who the fuck are you, bitch?" And Wonder Woman is all, "I'm the Queen!" And Donna Troy is all, "Funny, I've never heard of you? Have any of you ever heard of her?" And all the Amazons are all, "What? Diana who? Seems like I kind of remember somebody by that name that used to not live in London and actually lived where she was needed." And Wonder Woman is all, "Die! I love to murder out of fear!" And Donna Troy is all, "Bring it!" And then the comic book is over before they get to the sword fight which seems like quite the male thing to do.

Wonder Woman #39 Rating: No change. I'm not really sure how good this book is because I'm enjoying being a huge dick about it. Sometimes I can't rightly judge through my own hyperbole. One thing I know for sure: Aubrey Plaza should play Donna Troy in the horrible movie version of this series.

PS I can't wait to see how the Insect Queen story arc merges with the Donna Troy Queen story arc! So subtle!