Saturday, February 14, 2015

Green Lantern #39

You're showing them the wrong finger, Hal.

Last issue, Hal Jordan was forced to take a sabbatical which made me think, "Hey! I would love a sabbatical!" But I think when you own your own business and you're the only employee of said business, taking a sabbatical is called "quitting." Stupid system.

So far it's been one issue since the last Cosmic Crisis. Will the next crisis begin in this issue?! I have a feeling it will at least be teased. Robert Venditti will just caress the outside of our lips with the tip of his dick and ask, "How's that, hmm? You like that? You want to taste it, don't you? You're a dirty Hal Jordan fan, aren't you?" And then he'll take it away and slap us in the face instead. And we'll like it!

I mean, some of you sicko pervs will like it! But not me! No way! I'll be all, "Ha ha! Joke's on you, Venditti! I came in my pants as soon as I saw your cock!" And then I'll run awkwardly from the room with jizz dripping down my leg.

This issue begins with Venditti's dick slip slapping all over everybody's chins! Some cosmic catastrophe is befalling a planet in Sector 3276 and the reverberations are felt all the way back on Earth by Constantine, Shazam, and Raven (and probably some others).

Have Venditti and Tan been reading my Teen Titan commentaries where I said, "So would it be weird, knowing that Gar is human and all, to ask him to look like a panda as I fucked him? That is weird, right? Of course I'd ask him to look like a female panda! I'm not gay!"?

The Guardians decide that Hal Jordan needs to cut his vacation short and get out to Sector 3276 to stop whatever is happening before it happens to every other planet in the universe and crosses over with every other comic book in The New 52.

What do I call DC's new universe when June comes around? The Old 52? The Universe Formerly Known as The New 52? The DC Universe? The Universe Disgruntled Fans Can Now Like Even Though It's The Same Universe They Hated When It Was Called The New 52?

When the Guardians call on Hal, he isn't on Earth vacationing anymore. He's in Sector 2813 helping some alien miners trapped in an asteroid belt cave-in. As their ship is crushed by asteroids, Hal commands his ring to save the aliens. He just tells it what to do and it figures it out and does all the work. He says "Extract now!" and the ring extracts the miners (or thieves. Probably thieves) immediately. I didn't know Hal didn't actually have to put any effort into figuring out how to save people. Why can't the ring just fly around the universe on its own then? It has the ability to find people with the ability to overcome fear, so why can't the rings just fly around saving people in trouble? I'm beginning to think the rings' wearers are superfluous.

Some cops stop by to collect the criminals before Hal steps foot in their planet's atmosphere and they seem to feel the Lanterns might be a bit superfluous as well.

This is the sweetest "Fuck you!" I've ever read!

Hal Jordan heads back to Mogo to see the Guardians but first he has a chat with Kilowog. Hal's all, "So many crises!" And Kilowog is all, "I know, right!" And Hal is all, "Psh! Guardians!" And Kilowog is all, "I know, right?!"

Hal heads off expecting to get his ass handed to him by The Guardians once again. But he's surprised that they seem to like the job he's been doing. I'm also surprised they like the job he's been doing! They must be high on space dope.

Jesus Christ, these Guardians are such fucking control freaks. The universe can get along just fine on its own! In fact, it does better when they don't interfere!

Hal leaves the Guardians and heads into the Green Lantern Locker Room to change. He leaves his ring and his father's pilot jacket in his locker next to his battery and then walks away to force the universe to like the Green Lantern Corps once again. Maybe he should hand out Green Lantern Corps trading cards to all the kids on his beat?

Hal also walks away from his locker without locking it or closing its door. I understand forgetting to close it because it's not called a Closer. But to forget to lock it when "lock" is right in the name?! Stupid. I hope somebody steals his fucking ring.

Green Lantern #39 Rating: No change. Hal Jordan finally got some warm fuzzies from the Guardians of the Universe. He's only been waiting his entire career as a Green Lantern for this moment. The weird part about this story is that the Guardians were watching planet after planet fall to some crisis but they didn't even mention it to Hal! They just want him to go on a good will tour to try and get people to love them again. You know how you can get the universe to start loving you again? Stop killing unarmed African-Americans and the mentally ill! Oh, sorry. I slipped into chastising the wrong police force.


No comments:

Post a Comment