Batman Eternal #45

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[EXPLAIN WEBSITE CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP HERE]

Hey. You people. This is Batman Eternal and shit. I'm your new bloghost or whatever, Derek "Fat Wallet" Markham. You can call me Fat Wallet because it's a nickname I thought up for myself due to my fat wallet full of cash and credit cards. I saw the money making capabilities of this website and bought it off of that fat fuck Grunion Guy. Man, what an idiot. I can't believe people enjoyed his blarting. Blarting is a cool word I made up. It's a combination of "blathering" and "sharting."

[MAKE FUNNY JOKES/SATANIC CHANTS/OBSERVATIONS/PROPAGANDA AS YOU READ. INTERSPERSE WITH SCANS FROM THE COMIC.]

Before I start this whole review thing or whatever, go purchase this lovely gift for the lonely Batman nerd in your life:

Batman Lunch Box

So the comic book begins with some tar baby versions of Martha and Jonathan Wayne bubbling out of the runway tarmac.

I got a real pain in the ass editor over here called my fucking wife and she's saying I can't use the term "tar baby" to describe these monsters formed out of fucking tar. How can I be descriptive if I can't describe exactly what is fucking happening? Get off my back, will ya?!

Batman beats up the tar monsters (there, are you fucking happy?). One of them is some dude named Mister Bygone. He's like some guy from The Cure or something, all sad and pale and shit. Batman punches him in the mouth and he crumples to the ground like a fucking pussy. Then Batman tries to save Milo from having a heart attack while the fucking Gotham Port Authority decides to put on their big boy britches and act like they're fucking heroes instead of what they really are: scumsucking lazy union leeches grifting their way into retirement.

Speaking of grifting, how about purchasing this super cool Grifter figurine for your writing desk at home? It probably gets as much use as my wife's writing desk I bought her for Christmas five years ago. Gonna write children's books, my ass. The longest thing she's written so far is a note bitching at me to clean up the fucking garage. And the only fiction she's ever written were her fucking wedding vows.

Super cool Grifter figurine!

Meanwhile some black guy in a bat suit is battling some Amityville Horror shit. I thought when them blacks saw a ghost, they just fucking took off the other way? Ain't it usually them white fucks that get their asses killed by ghosts cause they got no sense to get out when the staying in is terrifyingly scary? My mother just used ta live with weird ghost shit no matter what was going on. She'd hear some cupboards rattling and just yell out, "Hey! Quiet it down in there! I'm trying to watch Jeopardy in here! You ain't wanna make me get Presbyter Alexandro in here to make you quiet, enh?!" I don't even know who the fuck this Presbyter Alexandro fucking was. But it seemed a problem didn't exist that this fucker couldn't solve. It was always "Presbyter Alexandro this!" and "Presbyter Alexandro that!"

Some spooky guy named Jim Corrigan drops by this Luke Fox's house to talk about ghosts. Then they meet up with Batman in a cemetery to talk about what this Milo character knows.

Damn. I guess I ain't got no fucking Batman in a cemetery product tie-in to sell.

This Corrigan guy interrogated Milo before he knocked him out with one fucking punch. He learned he cast some kind of dream spell after some dream bird, an Owl or something, spoke to him and told him to fuck up Gotham real good with fucked up black magic and shit. But he still ain't the guy responsible for Batman's fucking headache.

Some chick named Harper tells this other chick named Spoiler that she kind of likes her. Now that comic book idea would be a money making monster. Chick super heroes fucking each other for twenty or thirty pages. But it would have to be online because who buys over the counter pornography anymore? It's fucking free on the internet. So the money would come from advertising shit like sex toys and more porn sites. If you want to get rich, some rich person I knew always said, you got to get your dick dirty. So why am I wasting my time buying up shitty little comic book sites like this? It may have a lot of eyeballs but what the fuck kind of eyeballs are they, right? They're kids and cheapskates, probably. And I'm supposed to keep up this shit two or three times a day just to advertise crappy comic book related trinkets? Fuck this. This is a lot of fucking work. Goddamned wife was right this time. "You ain't never gonna put no work in that shitty little site, you'll see! You like buying shit that might make you fucking money but you hate putting in the work." Yeah, yeah. Look who's fucking talking, woman.

That's the trick with making good fucking money on internet porn. Keeping your site clean of them fucking computer viruses! Those fuckers'll cost you money quicker than new perverts can find your site!

Some internet porn moguls think it's a good fucking idea to steal information with viruses. But I say it's better to make steady money honestly, month after month, than to try to get a lot of dishonest cash fucking quickly by abusing customers. Customers are king for a reason, fuckheads!

Finally, Batman decides that Ra's al Ghul must be behind the problems Gotham has been experiencing lately. So he's got to go beat his fucking ass and show him who the fucking boss of everything is.

Batman Eternal #45 Rating: [RAISE RANKS ON SNYDER/SOULE/SIMONE/FLETCHER/TOMASI BOOKS. LOWER RANK ON LOBDELL/BUNN/NOCENTI BOOKS. FLIP COIN FOR ALL OTHERS] Fuck this fucking shit. That fucking no-life Grunion Guy can have this site back for fifty percent off. What kind of chump is that guy? Who puts in this much work for no fucking money? That guy must have the skinniest wallet in America. That's his new fucking nickname. Skinniest Wallet. Har har! Fuck that guy. Fat Wallet out!