Batman Eternal #44

When is the glass going to become sentient and come after Batman to avenge all of its children he's killed?

I want a Bat-Passport like that guy with the Guy Gardner haircut! Where does it allow you to travel?

It's time for Course #4 in Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Detectivanting* School!

*Detectivanting is when you do detective work while gallivanting across the globe. It's a pursuit mainly for the rich and idle, and they tend to cause more trouble than they cure by their interference. They also do a lot of drugs, drinking, and fucking. I need to put a pitch together for Image Comics.

The Fourth Course is a visual crime scene analysis! That's super exciting because they make lots and lots of television shows out of that boring ass career choice! Here's the crime scene:

"Look at this, Trixie! Why would the local paper publish pictures of a recent crime scene still under investigation?" said Honey as she sexily pulled her underwear over her head. "What do you expect from a police force that relies on teenagers to solve their crimes?" replied Trixie as she traced a finger down the ever increasing soft, fuzzy hairs on Honey's midsection. "Besides," said Trixie as she shoved her other hand down the front of her own trousers, "This burglar can't even burgle! Look at all his mistakes!" Honey gasped and shuddered at Trixie's touch. "He must be really new at his job!"

As a Detectivant in training, my first order of business is to make the victim feel guilty. So I point out how he's an idiot leaving the combination to his safe right on his desk in plain view. Also, he shouldn't leave his wallet and $100 bills in plain sight of uncovered windows. That's just asking for trouble! And who installs a wall safe on the outside wall of their house?! That's easy access on the backside hanging out of the wall! Criminals don't even have to break into the house to break into that safe! Idiots! As for the burglar, her mistakes are obvious! She brought her cat along and it clawed up the wall safe and knocked over that cup of coffee. It dragged away one of the burglar's gloves to play with and the burglar didn't notice. Having to chase the cat around the room, the burglar stepped through the coffee spill and left footprints everywhere! Being distracted by her cat (I guess she took the whole "cat burglar" thing literally), she missed the car keys (for an easy getaway) and both Tiffany lamps! She also left behind her scuba snorkel which is going to be chock full of DNA! And last of all, she left a big hunk of her own skin torn off on the glass as she clambered out of the house. She was probably found half-bled out blocks away with her cat munching on her wound.

The Answers misidentify the burglar as a "he," so I know not to take them seriously. I was correct in all of my observations.

This issue begins with all the Arkhamites involved with the destruction of Arkham selling out the guy behind it all: Professor Achilles Milo, aka the guy on the cover with the Guy Gardner haircut.

Batman and the Batkids begin the search for Achilles while Bat-Satellites scan the city with facial recognition software.

My guess is he's here on 433th.

Meanwhile Batwing is beating up ghosts in his apartment which has become infested with them ever since he came back from his trip with The Spectre into a supernatural nightmare. One of the ghosts is Amadeus Akrham's mother. I hope he lets her stick around instead of punching her in the face with his new Nth Metal Knuckles. Luckily I just recently watched the episode of The Brave and the Bold where Batman beats up Gentleman's Ghost with his Nth Metal, so I'm in the loop about how it is the only useful weapon against spirits.

Spoiler has decided she doesn't want to hang around the Bat-Family since they're funded by Bruce Wayne and she knows Bruce Wayne is behind this entire attack on Gotham City. She's probably not wrong but she's also not exactly right, either. So now she and Harper get into a big fight while Cullen tries to play Double Dragon in the other room, constantly yelling at them to keep it down. He probably thinks they're just having sex. I think a stun gun sounds exactly like a vibrator.

Batman catches Milo at the Gotham International Airport and they have a big fight scene together. It's composed of two punches. One punch to Milo's face, and Milo punching the floor. Wait. I said that wrong! Dammit.

Milo gasses everybody in the airport with some kind of "I'm Going To Get You Fuckers" gas that makes everybody go crazy with blood lust. So while Batman is busy taking care of them, Milo escapes out onto the runway. But Batman's Batplane is watching the exits and catches up to him.

If Batman is so against guns, why is the Batplane equipped with two Gatling guns? Do they shoot explosive Batarangs which are much safer than bullets somehow?

As Batman tries to beat some information out of Achilles, Milo's drugs merge and reform into a bunch of ghostly, talking hands. They seem to think Batman is finally ready for the truth. Probably because this series is fast approaching the end and we've all waited long enough to find out what's going on.

Batman Eternal #44 Rating: No change. Almost exactly nothing happened this issue. Batman hunted down a person that was only introduced in this issue. And that was the extent of things! If you feel like you've already spent too much on this series, go ahead and take a break from buying this issue this week! Unless it's too late. Sorry I reviewed it four days after it was released.