Secret Six #2

What is the secret?! How many is six?!

Unless you're one of those extravagantly luxurious people who can buy their comic books as soon as they're available and also live on the East Coast, you will invariably receive Secret Six spoilers by following Gail Simone's Twitter account.

Okay, so not all of her Tweets are Secret Six spoilers.

I know the internet isn't very good at fact checking, so let me just point out, right here underneath the photoshopped tweets, that these are not actual Gail Simone tweets. I assure you, even now, somebody will still think they're real because words that aren't part of an image or a tweet or a Facebook status message aren't worth reading. I might as well be typing words that nobody would ever want to read anyway, like "Your grandmother masturbated" or "Your genitals touched your mother's vagina while you were being born." What is the secret?!

At the end of the last issue, Catman and his new friends were trapped under the ocean in an electrified box with a digital display asking, "What is the secret?" They were also given masks and a dead body as hints or clues to the mystery. Being that I'm currently enrolled in the Trixie Belden School of World's Greatest Detectivanting*, I think I've got this mystery solved. The masks show that everybody in the room has a secret identity. The dead body proves that one of the people is not who they say they are! So the secret is that one of them is not who they say they are and is probably the person behind the trap and is also probably The Batman.

*Detectivanting: The art of doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe having grand, sexy adventures.

Oh! Mockingbird was the secret figure at the heart of the original Secret Six! You know, the one that was all white people long before Gail Simone made it all crazy people! There may have been a Mockingbird in Gail Simone's previous run as well but I haven't read it yet, so you'd know better than I would.

Cats love to eat birds. What is the secret?!

Catman remembers being recruited to lie in a hole for a year. I have to say, Project: Mockingbird sounds a little bit like a pretentious art installation, or shitty non-magic magic trick. It's possible that when Catman tried to bite the project's director's fingers off, he was kicked off of the project. But that was eighteen months ago! I think Catman has been re-recruited for another try at getting Project: Mockingbird out of the nest.

The six prisoners have one more minute to answer the question, "What is the secret?" If nobody can answer the super vague question, one of them will die. I think the whole point of this project is to get them to begin confessing all sorts of horrible crimes. They'd be better off keeping their mouths shut and their notepad pages blank than implicating themselves. Then after the minute is up, just choose Private Investigator Balloon Boy to be killed.

When the voice said they only had one minute left, I was getting excited that the secret would be revealed this issue! But with all of these flashbacks to Catman in captivity, I don't think that's going to happen. Plus it's only Issue #2 and when has a comic book ever made a big revelation two issues in?

Dude, you're Catman! Don't think of it as being confined! Think of it as being inside the best box of all the boxes that ever boxed! You're king of the boxes!

The minute passes without anybody even taking a stab at a guess. Come on, guys! At least try to save your own lives! I've made more guesses than you idiots and my life isn't even currently in danger. But the threatening voice doesn't seem to be in any hurry for the contestants to self-eliminate, so the secreted six talk about escaping while the voice blah blah blahs in the background.

Catman realizes The Ventriloquist is telekinetic and suggests she raises the box out of the ocean. But she'll only do that if he gives her a kiss. That's prostitution!

That's also talent! I wonder if she can make Ferdie talk while giving oral? What is the secret?!

While in captivity eleven months ago, some woman stops by on Caturday to give Catman a kitten. I bet she's Mockingbird! Or the kitten is! Or Catman is and he's doing this to himself! What is the secret?!

So anyway, the voice begins shocking Black Alice because nobody in the box would choose a scape goat. That's when The Ventriloquist raises the box out of the sea and saves the day! Maybe. Raising the box at least seems to have cut off power to the electrified floor. Also, the box is shaped like a coffin which I called last issue. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! What is the secret?!

The Not-So-Secreted-Anymore Six break out of the coffin, jump to an ocean drilling rig, and begin killing everybody in the vicinity. Not just because they're nearby but also because they have guns and they keep trying to kill the good guys. The bad guys. The girls and guys guys. And the puppet!

The voice somehow thinks that telling them to get back in the box will work. It points out that one of them killed an innocent girl two years ago and that if they just get in the box, only one of them will die. But if they remain out of the box, they will all die. So the Six decide to stick together and fight to live. Sounds to me like the experiment worked perfectly, you manipulated assholes. Now you're a group as to where there was no group bond before! Project: Mockingbird has started!

Secret Six #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. You know what the real secret is? What happened to Catman's kitty cat? And what was its name? And did it like burrowing under covers and waking him up by biting him on the nose? Did it tend to spaz out for no reason at all and try to jump up the wall and through the ceiling to get at some invisible, other worldly something that only it could see? How about giving us the important information about the best character in the comic book so far, Gail and Ken? What is the secret?!