Supergirl #39

Harley seems super excited to see Kara's Kryptonian Sunstone collection.

I'm sure most of you are wondering why I didn't come up with a dirty caption for this cover. Well, fuck you. I did! You just don't remember the issues of Supergirl where she was floating in the clouds sticking sun crystals in her vagina. Don't take it from me though! Supergirl's quite forthcoming about her use of the sunstones!

I assure you that this panel has not been changed by me. Probably.

And here she is powering up her FWASH! ability.

Look how veiny it is!

This seems like a not very apt time to point out that I've been crying a lot lately. Probably the reason I'm falling behind on my commentaries again. I almost started crying in Starbucks yesterday morning which would have been really embarrassing because the staff seems to be the kind of people that would have pointed at me and laughed. Maybe one would have even come out from behind the espresso maker and kicked me in the groin for good measure. I probably still would have tipped them.

It's not like I've been avoiding doing commentaries because I think my laptop will short out from all the snot dripping down my face. It's just that I've been playing a lot of Magic the Gathering on the Xbox because it keeps my mind off of my stupid dead cat and his stupid dumb dying like a dumb dumb. That was four months ago anyway, so fuck him! I should go dig him up and spit on him! Will that make me feel better?!

If anybody wants to challenge me to a game of Xbox One Magic the Gathering, send me a friend request which I swear I probably won't totally ignore. My Xbox Live name is The Red Lizard.

You know what feature I miss in these Supergirl commentaries? That part where I ended with a picture of her bum! I'm going to start doing that again because she has the cutest bum in The New 52 (way better than Grayson's. I'll fight anybody that thinks different). I stopped doing it because Supergirl had a string of issues without a good bum shot. But Goddamn it, I'm going to make sure it happens from here on out!

Currently, Supergirl and her friends found themselves on a mission for their school, The Crucible. It turns out the mission was to recover Superboy. Kara isn't quite sure she likes the sound of that. But Maxima, not being a super villain at all yet, assures Kara that the Preceptor of the academy would never send them on an horrible, evil, despicable mission.

Hmm. Maybe I should start a "Maxima's Breasts" feature too!

The Crucible isn't anything like it appears to be! Don't trust Maxima! Trust your adorable poochy little gut, Kara! Never fight for the institution! You've already seen that some of the students have rebelled against the school. Maybe you should investigate that! Figure out what that shit is all about.

Superboy decides to go along with Maxima because look at her breasts! I'd go too! It's impossible for a guy to come to a rational conclusion when breasts like that are in eyesight. It's a medical fact! I think it was proven in last May's Neurosurgeons and Asses Monthly. Don't scoff. It's a peer reviewed journal!

Supergirl remains behind to cradle Comet's head in her lap in much the same way that Swamp Thing once cradled Superman's head in his lap in DC Presents #85 by Moore and Veitch.

Back at The Crucible, Preceptor Amata talks to herself about her plans for the good of the academy and its students, so maybe I was wrong about the institution not being on the up and up. Why would she lie in a monologue to herself? It's the only time I'll believe a character! Plus, while she's going on and on about how she shouldn't have sent students into battle nor agreed to recovering the Kryptonian clone, she's attacked by the Vice-Preceptor and Roho. Oh no! The expelled students really are working for the bad guys! And the bad guys are the one guy, Vice-Preceptor Napoleon Complex!

Back on Earth, Supergirl decides to take Comet to the worst place on Earth: Mike-hole's apartment. Ugh! She's still hung up on that piece of shit?! Kara bangs on his front door after midnight and Mike's mom yells to keep it down from up the stairs where Mike-hole isn't allowed to go or else why wouldn't they get a ramp or an elevator? Kara decides to leave Comet in Mike-hole's bed while she goes back to The Crucible. Mike is all, "Sure, whatever! Please ignore my huge fucking boner that I can't cover up because I'm handicapped." And Supergirl is all, "Your arms work fine, Mike. I saw you undo your fly under the blanket." Then she opens up the portal and goes back to school leaving Comet in Mike-hole's bed.

I hope this is where Mike-hole discovers he's gay so he stops hitting on my Supergirl!

Kara heads back to The Crucible where she finds everybody locked in their rooms due to a new mandatory curfew. Vice-Preceptor Short Stuff instituted that policy pretty efficiently. This is a kind of college, right? What college student doesn't organize five dozen different protests when any thing they're used to changes at their school? What college student who is used to studying in the anti-grav lobby all night, getting cookie crumbs and diet milk all over the walls and ceiling just rolls over and agrees to a brand new curfew?! I suppose the laser wielding flying robot sentries are more efficient at instituting rules than human campus security guards.

Immediately upon her return (after a brief battle), Supergirl is captured by Roho and Vice-Preceptor Slughead. Instead of killing her like every other supervillain also wouldn't, the Vice-Preceptor decides to tell her his plans. You know, in much the same way every other supervillain would. His plan (as if anybody reading this doesn't already know)? Clone Superboy! And probably everybody else at the school. Because everybody knows that once you create a clone, the clone is no longer a sentient individual but a cheap, homemade imitation that can be used like a jerk off towel and thrown away when it's gotten too yellow and crusty. Even the good guys in Star Wars were all, "Clones have no rights! Fuck 'em! Nobody will even notice if one clone out of a thousand dies!" Although that one clone is all, "No, please! I want to live! I have a wife and family back home! I mean, the person I was cloned from does but they're in my memories as my wife and kids and that's like totally the same thing from my point of view! Also, I'm a fucking person, right? What the hell?! Just because I look like 999 other guys, it's okay to throw my life away?! Holy shit, where do I sign up for Stormtrooper school?!" And everybody standing around knew it would be too awkward to point out that the stormtroopers were just more clones just like him and the universe was involved in a huge bloodbath of pretty much brother against brother. Or self against self? Or something.

I really don't know my Star Wars canon and I've only seen each prequel once, so I probably got all of that wrong. But it feels right and doing and saying what feels right is life here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea territory! This is the safest place to have feelings! Unless those feelings are negative and directed at me and then you can just fuck off!

Supergirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is my favorite comic book. It might be because I'm in love with Supergirl and I'm reading it with gigantic heart-shaped eyeballs. Although they really should get rid of that awful Mike character. Why would Supergirl be into a psychopathic pedophile dog rapist? I don't have any proof that he's any of those things but I can tell he's probably most of those. He's a dick.