Star Spangled War Stories #6

This comic book was so boring it ended Earth-Main-Earth.

I should only be doing commentary on comic books that people actually read. I waste some of my best material on this fucking comic book that nobody is interested in! Somebody take Gray and Palmiotti off of these war stories that nobody is interested in and force them to do a romance book that takes place in a Hollywood senior care facility with a bunch of delusional old people that keep slipping in and out of characters they played when they were younger. Also maybe have a monster lurking in the basement that feeds off of the energy of old people fucking. And perhaps the staff were cats that were transformed into people by an ancient curse which had actually cursed the cat's owners to switch places with the cats but the cat owners (as cats) died years ago. And a neighborhood eight-year old constantly comes around with catnip and yarn and field mice he's captured because he learned it makes the staff flip the fuck out. And maybe a local politician is trying to raze the facility to the ground to build condominiums but what he really wants to do is clear the ground for a satanic ritual to grant him tons of power but it can only be performed on an ancient burial ground which this senior care center was built upon.

I think I just pitched the next season of American Horror Story: Senior Care Facility.

This issue begins with some guy I don't care about in Ecuador calling some guy I don't care about in Utah about some deal I don't care about at all. Then the scene shifts to a woman swimming naked with milk leaking out of her nipples.

If I were a nursing mother, I'd have a tube inserted into my breast which was attached to a bottle of Strawberry Quik Syrup. Then I'd be all, "Somebody get this kid a wet nurse!" And then I'd drink up my own sweet, sweet strawberry flavored breast milk.

Tiffany, or whatever her name was, climbs naked out of the pool to find one of the guys I don't care about sitting in the corner of her room getting a sneak peek at her best bits. They discuss fingers and then she puts her underwear on. It's damn near Shakespeare. You know, in that I find it incomprehensible and boring.

Although that Titus Andronicus is pretty good as long as somebody stands nearby as you read it while splashing blood around the room at all the points blood should be splashing. And you can learn some pretty good Jewish slurs from The Merchant of Venice. And maybe some good slurs for black people from Othello! I can't remember that one as well except that Othello's problem wasn't that he didn't love enough but that he loved too well. That was one of the first things I ever read where a character totally loves and trusts somebody and then a sketchy dude says practically one thing to make the character doubt the person they love and they completely change their opinion and wind up thinking, "Whelp, I guess she has to die then!" Maybe it's not that simple but by the end of the play, you're just left thinking, "Holy fuck. That Othello was a fucking dickbag."

I mean, Shakespeare?! Whut?!

This scene would be better if they were naked.

Somewhere in this Spa is a zombie in a body bag. I sure wish he'd break out so we can begin the zombie movie, Spa Day of the Dead.

Tiffany has another scene with a character I'm not interested in named Cat. They microwave tuna sandwiches and discuss how failing to join the Hillbilly Resistance would suck. Mostly because failures are killed and turned into tuna sandwiches.

Meanwhile, GI Zombie is delivered downstairs to the tuna sandwich making facility. Before he can be tuna sandwiched, he tuna sandwiches the two hillbilly tuna sandwich makers. But he doesn't do it stealthily, setting off the sprinklers when one of the sandwich makers begins running around the room coated in flames. Then GI Zombie stands triumphant and an old guy comes in looking like Frankenstein and says, "Sometimes dead is better."

When some more Hillbilly Spa Workers come looking for GI Zombie, he kills all but one of them. Then he demands answers while pointing a gun at her.

Why is it that every time somebody has a gun in a movie or comic book, they always wind up getting punched? Do they not know that guns are ranged weapons?! Stay out of melee combat, dicks!

GI Zombie winds up knocking the character I don't care about out. So now he'll have to get his information the hard way! By eating her brains! No, wait. He opts for exploring the facility. He finds a room with guns hanging from hooks on dozens of twenty foot tall walls and makes a few conclusions: the hillbillies are going to war, and they must have hired one of those people that come into your house and provide you with incredible tips on how to store your excess material goods. "You could fill this space from floor to ceiling with six inch walls spaced about eight inches apart! Then add hundreds of hooks to hang everything so you can just glance around and know where to find it! No more losing items in hard to reach boxes that have lost their labels!" Then she'd show a brief video with a narrator saying, "Has this every happened to you?" while the clumsiest man in the world tries to get a box out from underneath twenty other boxes and they all fall over and break the guy's neck and his house explodes and a mushroom cloud shoots up from the city and the entire planet dies from a nuclear winter.

GI Zombie grabs a gun and then heads into the men's room to threaten a guy taking a leak. The guy is all, "You've never been to prison, have you?" And GI Zombie is all, "Whut?" And the guy is all, "Oh, never mind. That was just something Tess and Tess's best friend from high school would understand." And GI Zombie is all, "Oh, okay then. Now let me shoot you in the knee for information." And then the guy gives up all of the information.

GI Zombie makes it to the monitor room to shut down all the monitors only to find that the monitor room is being monitored. It's like Inception but comprehensible and far less interesting!

What is this group trying to accomplish again? Some form of self-determination determined by the leaders of the self-determination movement?

Forrest, the leader of the Hillbilly Self-Determination Spa and Radicalization Retreat who I don't care about, initiates the self-destruct sequence. Does the self-destruct sequence always have to be initiated? And does it always have to be a sequence? Can't it just be a command that is turned on? Everybody in the facility now has fifteen minutes left to get their affairs in order or to escape on the one plane leaving within the next fifteen minutes. After that, the Spa will explode in nuclear fire. I guess the self-destruct sequence begins by telling the clumsiest man in the world to go retrieve a copy of Sherilyn Fenn's Playboy spread down in storage. And of course it's in the bottom box in a very tall stack of boxes!

At least Tiffany, that main character I don't care about who might also be named Sandra or Megan or something, has been invited to board the escape plane. But will GI Zombie make it aboard in time?! I'm going to guess, "Yes."

Star Spangled War Stories #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was the best issue so far! Especially considering I don't care about any of the characters! It still didn't involve war of any kind. This really should be called Star Spangled Tales of Espionage.