It's February. Enough with the happy new years already.
Page One.
PAGE ONE: Mark Moonrider sits unhappily in a location where he ought to seem happy, perhaps a strip club with a woman straddling him and rubbing her breasts in his face? He wears a stupid hat to indicate that it is the eve of the new year.
Narration Box: Why did I come here in loose fitting clothes? How am I going to stand up? Worse yet, what if I blow New Genesis seed all over the inside of my super trousers?
Narration Box: It's so hard being a white man god. Nobody understands the angst created by not having any problems projected onto me by society, leaving me the time and luxury to become introspective and think about nothing but my own existence. So much angst! So much brooding!
Narration Box: Man tears!
Page Two.
P.7
Mark: Serafina.
Serafina: Mark.
P.8
Mark: Funny meeting you here.
Serafina: Yeah. Funny.
P.9
Mark: Want to talk about it? Why are your clothes soaking wet? How much did it cost? Please want to talk about it.
PAGE THREE: Serafina, still dripping in mystery fluids, tells her story to Mark Moonrider. The story continues in flashbacks with Serafina narrating. [NOTE: Remember to use white text in a lavender box for Serafina's Narration Boxes to increase reader eye strain]
Narration Box: Even though this whole New Gods Graduation Class Trip to Earth Mission makes no sense, I still try to take it seriously because I'm a black woman god in a white male god world and I have to fight for every ounce of respect I can get. I save the world and it's, "Holy shit! We can't believe Serafina, with Mark Moonrider's help, saved the world. To say she fulfilled the least of our expectations would be a lie because we actually had no expectations for her!" You save the world and it's all, "Mark Moonrider does it again! Masterful! Amazing! Truly epic! And he practically did it all by himself with minimal help from his POC and female sidekicks!"
Narration Box: So we just had that mission where we battled Mantis that we failed but I think Infinity Man succeeded because of course our group, being over half female and POC, need to call on a white male god (who is, let's face it, probably cishet) to solve all of our problems. So gross.
Narration Box: Anyway, then we couldn't fucking figure out how to get home because "maps are confusing, tee hee!" And we had to get directions from a cow.
Narration Box: Then we destroyed our entire neighborhood by battling a bunch of Green Lanterns because even though we don't agree with what New God Patriarchy is up to, we still get blamed for their actions by outsiders to New Genesis.
Narration Box: It's fucking bullshit, man.
Narration Box: So anyway, I decided to do what I could to help this world without asking any of you munchholes. So I see this guy that's being bullied and I think, "Hey! I can help this one person and make the world a better place." So I enhance the hell out of the fucker with New God technology, right?
Narration Box: Only to find out later he's a borderline sociopath with a history of violence. Of course he was! He was a white male! I should have just left him to deal with his pathetic white guy versus white guy problems himself. Last fucking time I get involved, I tell you what.
Penultimate Panel: Serafina opens the door to Doctor Skuba's apartment and is knocked down by a wave of water.
Last Panel: POV from between Doctor Skuba's legs as Serafina, on her ass, looks up into his crotch and asks, "Dr. Skuba?"
PAGE FOUR: Doctor Skuba and Serafina talk outside of his apartment.
P.1.
Skuba: Hello, woman who also cared about water!
Serafina: Oh shit. You got that Darkseid look about you now.
P.2
Skuba: I've been talking to water lately! I have so much in common with it. It's all, "We oppress fish!" And I'm all, "I oppress those that don't look or act like me!" And it's all, "Cool!" And I'm all, "I know!"
P.3: As Skuba and Serafina talk, two men encased in water float nearby.
Skuba: The water wanted me to punish those guys who peed in it, so now I've encapsulated them in their own pee water!
P.4:
Skuba: Justice for all water and mankind who thinks and acts similarly to the way I do!
PAGE FIVE
P.1
Serafina laughing loudly: Ha ha! Good one! But, um, no.
P.2
Skuba: Have you ever peed in the pool, missy?!
P.3
Serafina: Of course not! [Is a Narration Box needed here to indicate she's lying or should we assume the reader knows she's lying since everybody has peed in a pool at least once in their lives? Maybe just let Skuba's reaction reveal the falsehood]
P.4
Skuba: No. You're just like them! No regard for the water!
P.5
Serafina: But you use toilets, right? That's water! You also defile the....
Skuba: Enough! The water has spoken! Everybody drowns!
Page Six.
Narration Box: I was all, "Oof!" and "Urgh!" and "Ack!" Then I thought about YouTube which is weird because I don't think anything called "YouTube" exists in the DC Universe. Isn't it called MeCardboardLightsaber or something stupidly tongue-in-cheek?
PAGE SEVEN: Doctor Skuba and Serafina tussle in the flooded neighborhood while all the stray cats drown.
P.1
Skuba: Water covers like 33% of the world's surface and I plan on claiming the other 65%! [Check facts and math on that before printing]
Serafina: Just like a fucking white male. Thinking you have to be the champion of the underrepresented! Have you asked the water what it wants? Do you think it really wants to be brought up on land where it's going to flood the sewer system and become more polluted than from just some drunk asshole throwing a piss balloon in a pool?
P.2
Skuba: Do not try to censor me, you dumb cunt! I have the right to say what I think the underrepresented really want without you telling me what you really want!
Serafina: Gross! Shut up! Give me back my enhancement! I'm sorry I ever felt sorry for you!
P.3
Skuba: You don't know everything I've done for the water! You don't know me! I've championed the water since whenever!
Serafina: Have another fucking cookie then, assmite.
P.4
Skuba: And now you drown!
PAGE EIGHT
P.1: Doctor Skuba creates a bubble of air around himself as he tries to drown Serafina.
Skuba: I cannot breathe water yet but soon! Soon I will wear all of water's accoutrements! I will speak in water slang! I will sport a waterfro! I will listen to gently roaring sounds of every ocean and when I ask The Indian Ocean if it's ever heard the sound of the Pacific Ocean and it says, "Why, no." I'll say, "Ha! I'm more water than you!"
P.2-4: As Doctor Skuba loses himself in his Evil Villain Monologue, Serafina pounces on him and pulls the enhancement from his back.
Serafina: Appropriate much!
Skuba: No! NO! That's mine now!
Serafina: It was never yours!
P.5: Serafina far out at sea as Doctor Skuba sinks beneath the waves.
Narration Box: And then I headed home without asking the water for kudos because I'm just trying to help out where I can, you know?
PAGE NINE: Serafina ends her story, scene shifts back to the present, Moonrider begins the story of his day. It begins in a hotel room with the other Forever People sitting around listening to Big Bear.
Last Panel
Big Bear: Based on the New God's studies of human behavior, as well as some extra information given to us by a cow, a dog, and three turkeys, these are the things we should do on New Years Eve to fit in: Wear a tiny hat. Explode tiny guns filled with paper. Blow on miniature and out of tune horns. Fuck wantonly. Imbibe dangerously of alcoholic brews. Scream and shout a lot to indicate we are enjoying ourselves and are not at all simply lost and lonely and trying to pretend we are happy amongst dozens of other people pretending in like manner.
Page Ten.
PAGE ELEVEN: Keith, you're a pretty good writer. Just do whatever you want for Mark Moonrider's story. I have a fucking publishing company to run.
Page Eleven is just filled with doodles of naked Batwoman and naked Maggie Sawyer with Didio standing between them masturbating and cackling evilly.
At this point, the script changes noticeably in that before it was typed and organized while now it is scribbled and stained with wine, tears, and enchilada sauce.
PAGE WHATEVER: Fuck you, Dan Didio. I have a life. I have experience. I have tenure! Fucking only giving me half-pay on a book I write most of the jokes for! I'll show him. He loves his Jack Kirby creations so Goddamned much.
A Panel
Big Bear: "I'm a fucking New God but I'm so stupid that I don't understand the rotation of the planets or the way most alien cultures divide their planet's orbit around the sun into seasons and years!"
Some Other Forever Person. Whichever. They're All The Same: "Can we not just say the mystic chant of 'Happy New Year' and make the new year come already? DER!"
Another Panel
Black Vykin: "Duh! My chronothing says it's almost midnight and I don't feel weird at all!"
Big Bear: "Only proves my theory that we New Gods are bad ass motherfuckers! Yeah!"
Yet Another Panel
Black Bear: "More stupid bullshit because I'm the leader of the Earth Summer Reading Program but I know nothing! Brrrt!"
Final Panel Maybe
Black Bear: "Happy New Year, whatever that is!"
PAGE WHO CARES?
A Panel: Black Vykin sees kissing on the television.
Black Vykin: "Ho diddly doo! Now that's a new yar! Come here, whichever one of you I'm in a relationship with!"
Another Panel: Black Vykin and that other Forever Person kiss.
Mark Moonripper: "Get a room!"
Beauteous Dreamer: "This is a room! Oh! Kissing seems like a good time. Look at my bosoms and feel the heat of my crotchy area!"
Mark Moonriper: "I'm impotent! Or gay! Or a traitor! So I can't kiss you! Goodbye!"
Another Panel: Mark Moonracer runs from the room.
PAGE PAGEY: Back to Mark and Serafina sitting in the strip club.
A Panel
Serafina: "Wait. You're gay?"
Another Panel
Mark: "If by gay you mean I can't get it up for Dreamer due to amazing amounts of pressure and constantly thinking about how many other men she's been with and totally feeling oppressed by a changing society that's trying to castrate the white man and getting little sleep having to answer emails on the Meninist site I run, then yes. I mean, no, I'm not but it's that other stuff that has caused the stiff to vacate my stiffy."
Another Panel: Mark crying tons and tons of mantears as strippers pass by with disgusted looks on their faces.
Mark: Why is the world so hard for a white male cishet god!?
Another Panel
Serafina: "Oh, shut up. You're lucky you're hot and I'm horny and this comic book needs a little drama, so open up that mouth and take my vagina, you clod!"
PAGE NEARING THE END I HOPE: Fuck you, DidioOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A Panel
Serafina: "Let's promise to fuck later! I'm going back to the party to drop hints about us to Dreamer and watch her squirm!"
Another Panel: A mysterious woman approaches Mark from behind.
Mystery Woman: "Nice boner."
Mark: "It works! I'm in love!"
MORE PAGES UGH!
Some Panels: The Mysterious Stranger turns out to be that woman that lived near Big Bear's New Gods Complex Apartment or whatever. Leilani or something.
Leilani: "Let's fuck."
Mark: "What? NO! This boner is not for you!"
Leilani: "Why not? Prude."
Mark: "Slut!"
Leilani: "You will die by my father's hands and your bones shall be strewn amongst the wreckage of this planet!"
Mark: "Wait. What? Do I know you?"
Last Panel: Leilani skates off masturbating furiously.
Page Sixteen.
Didio: Goddamn it, Giffen! You were supposed to introduce the Lord Aagog plot hinted at from Futures End!
Giffen: Fack oo. I've drunk.
Didio: Daniel, make sure Mark doesn't let Leilani skate away. And she isn't fucking masturbating! Don't you dare try to sneak in some cute FAP sound effect or something!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP
Didio: If Julius Schwartz hadn't put that clause in your contract that forces DC to give you work until you die, I would so fucking fire you, Giffen!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAPPITY FOO!
Didio: Dan, make sure Mark explicates who Lord Aagog is and how he leads the cult of Yuga Khan who is Darkseid's father! You got that?
HDR: My last name is weird!
Giffen: Fiffee dollars unt no more, kay? hurry up boner failsing
Didio: Wrong text window, Giffen.
Giffen: WHoopsees!
Didio: Go ahead and just finish out the last few pages with a battle between Marc and Leilani, Thumpa, Killsandra, and Enchanthrax. Better known as The Femmes Fatales! I'm going to bed.
Giffen: Wait. wait wait wait wait wiait.
Didio: What?
Giffen: I love you! Bwa ha ha ha!
Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was awesome! And then it was changed and printed differently. Whatever.
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