Catwoman #38

It's fuckfight time!

I hope this comic book earns its Teen Plus Rating this month. Maybe Batman is stopping by to apologize for constantly being a patronizing dickhole. And to borrow some cash because he's all kinds of flat broke right now. Probably horny too. When is the last time Bruce Wayne got laid? Was it the pianist, Natalya?

This issue begins with more ancient correspondence that is practically in another language. Something about how Selina had to kill Nick or else the other crime families would have smelled weakness all over her. But by having Nick killed, she filled Antonia with poison and fangs or something. It's all very convoluted because that's what happens when you let people into your life. Suddenly your actions affect the way they feel and it's like, "Ugh! I just want to do whatever I want without being bothered by consequences!" That's why at thirteen, I told my entire family to fuck off! Oh wait. That's what I'm planning to do on the thirteenth of this month.

If killing family is good enough for the Queen, then it must be good enough for me! Can you rent chainsaws?

This issue must have a fuckfight in it because it's called "The Serpent." Rim shot!

Oh! I hope the fuckfight features rimming!

Selina is leaving Antonia behind as she answers an invitation to a meeting with the Black Mask. Black Mask's meeting isn't so much as a trap as an open invitation to Selina's execution. Selina knows it but what better way to make a fool of a foolish asshole like Black Mask than to kick his ass when he thinks he has the upper hand?

Doing it with your high heeled shoe is just the cherry on top.

Hopefully Selina will strangle Black Mask with her thong next! I was going to suggest she do it with her bra but judging by her shirts which constantly hang open to her belly, she doesn't wear a bra. Speaking of Selina's bras, did she lose two full cup sizes since going from Catwoman to Crime Lord?

Black Mask's mask just grins stupidly as he listens dumbfounded to Selina put him in his place. I bet after she walked out, he sputtered and ranted about how he's the goddamned Black Mask and nobody treats him that way for like ten minutes as his bodyguards looked around nervously trying not to laugh.

Selina leaves the meeting less concerned about the business of the Calabrese family and more interested in how she's going to ruin Black Mask.

Later that night, Batman tries to take her into custody for running guns. She asks him to trust her to do her vigilante thing her way just like he does his vigilante thing his way but he says that he's a man and she's a woman which somehow explains his reasoning somehow. Okay, he doesn't actually say those things but it's totally in his body language and his history of talking down to Selina and his throbbing bulge in his Bat-codpiece. Selina is tired of his shit which can only mean one thing:

LET THE FUCKFIGHT COMMENCE!

It's almost like I only read Catwoman for the fuckfights.

The fighting part of the fuckfight ends and then it's on to the fucking part of the fuckfight!

Whoops! Looks like Batman comes in his Batpants in that second panel and Selina doesn't take too kindly to it.

Then the new Catwoman arrives! Holy shit! A fuckfight à trois!

Catwoman is just checking in to make sure everything is going okay and that the gun deal is being stopped. Which is also why Batman is there. And also why Selina is there. So what's the problem? Oh right! The problem is only Batman is trying to stop it his way which is the right way. If only he realized what a benefit having Selina and Eiko running two of the crime families would be since they love to undermine their own deals! That's a lot of crime that never even winds up happening!

Batman once heard Alfred say that to somebody somewhere.

Catwoman walks away with some final biting words to Batman and he lets her go because what more is there to do? He already came in his Batpants!

Antonia winds up in jail since the gun deal was busted due to an anonymous tip. The guns got away and were probably dumped in the ocean since Selina's plan all along was to get them out of Gotham. Falcone's men on the dock were busted with all the heroin, so that's off the streets as well. At least until the corrupt Gotham cops start selling it themselves. But a lot of trouble has been stirred up by the deal gone wrong and Hasigawa has moved one step closer to turning his back on the Calabrese family and working with Black Mask instead.

I don't think anybody in Gotham is unclear about who the anonymous tip was. Selina had Nick killed and she's still found herself on the outs with the criminal underground, including her own family.

Shouldn't some huge, culturally relevant diamond come to town to be put on display for a couple weeks at this point? And shouldn't it be stolen by a master cat burglar?!

Meanwhile, things just get more complicated.

What?! I'm already having enough trouble following all the ins and outs of the manipulations and power plays!

The problem with bringing The Penguin into this mess is that now I have to remember all the previous, horribly written interactions between The Penguin and Catwoman!

The story ends with Selina spying on Mason (Black Mask's toady who has, on at least two different occasions, seemed overly concerned with Selina and her family's welfare) because she needs to know if Black Mask is going to try to kill Antonia for the gun deal debacle. Selina wanders off and almost gets hit by a car but is saved by Mason. When she asks him why he would bother saving her, he says, "What are brothers for?" Wait, whut?

I wonder if Genevieve Valentine is going to make sense of all of the stuff Ann Nocenti wrote about Selina Kyle's past? Is this the brother she had when she was an orphan on the street that I can't remember anything about because I read it so long ago and don't have the drive to dig through my comic book boxes to refresh my memory? That question is so somebody else will remind me what happened in Selina's early years!

Catwoman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. Well written but damn if my brain is about to hit an overflow limit with the characters and relationships in this book! If this were a movie, I'd be the asshole two rows behind you constantly going, "Who was that guy again? What's he to her? Wasn't he in Lord of the Rings and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The X-Files and Alien Resurrection and Deadwood?" Quick! Guess who I'm talking about! He was also in everything else ever filmed!