Futures End #41

Mister Terrific might be the world's third smartest man but his juggling technique is terrible.

At times, I feel like Alexander Pope,
Ranting and raving and having lost hope
That readers have any brains left at all.
The stories they love just fill me with gall.
Books just need to star a hero adored,
To be treated as if a gift from the Lord.
Critics heap praise on the worst ever made,
Hoping for blurbs on the front of the trade.
"A visual spectacle!" writes CBR
On piss running down the back of the bar.
"Gutsy change of pace!" I guess that describes
Nocenti's Catwoman without any lies.
But "Well-done...inviting" for J.T. Krul's
Short work on Green Arrow? What are we? Fools?
"Exceptional" for Lobdell's Titans Teen?
Crave Online, that blurb is almost obscene.
IGN's Superboy quote, "lotta fun,"
Must have been written at the point of a gun.
And now I've begun to feel like a dope,
Because I've remembered I fucking hate Pope.

I don't hate Lois Lane but boy do I hate the way she's portrayed sometimes.

Who does Lois Lane fucking think she is and what does she think journalism is all about? This isn't a story that only she can break. This is the kind of story she should avoid because every fucking hack is going to write a piece on the destruction of New York by a gigantic robot and his pink balls. Does she believe she's the only journalist with something important to say? That she's the only one that's going to have some kind of insightful spin on this disaster? Why is her stupid fucking blog the main thing on her mind while the city is being destroyed and her life is in danger? I guess if I were a Writer's Writer, I'd get all pretentious about how writers truly observe shit and how they see things in microscopic details that others miss and a whole bunch of other self-congratulatory bullshit that writers love to write about when they can't think of anything else to write. How many of Lois's blog entries begin, "Being a writer allows me to...blah blah blah." Fuck you!

Being a writer, I understand that I could come up with literally one or two words other than "fuck" when swearing. But, being a writer, I pick and choose my words carefully. And anybody that thinks "fuck" can be overused can go fuck themselves right in their fucking fuckholes.

Meanwhile, Superman, who is also a writer, flies in to save New York while not thinking, "I can't wait to tweet this shit all over my social blogosphere!" He does not think, "Lois Lane is going to be so pissed when Clark scoops her on this story! She'll be all, 'Superman flew in to save the day!' And Clark will be all, 'Superman, having been making a living farming in Africa since the end of the Earth-2 Wars, learned of a threat against Manhattan from a smarmy English Bloke named John Constantine, who smelled of corn chips and stale cigarettes. Superman told me that while he was flying into battle, he was thinking, "I can't wait to tell my story to Clark Kent because he always picks exactly the right words to make the reader feel as if they were there in the heart of the action. Unlike that hack Lois Lane!"'" No, you know what? He probably was thinking exactly that.

Meanwhile in space, Hawkman flies into Mega-Brainiac's spaceship and realizes this guy doesn't just collect worlds!

He collects universes! I mean, he collects fucking universes!

Of course Donna Troy is front and center because she's one of the best symbols about how DC's penchant for "fixing" their universe always creates just as many problems as the fix was expected to solve. Also pictured in Mega-Brainiac's Universe Collection? Adam West's Batman! It's now DC Canon, people! Adam West Batman is just as real as Frank Miller's Dark Knight! And you know what that means, right? Julie Newmar's Catwoman is now the hottest Catwoman in all of DC's canon versions of Catwoman!

Also featured: Ambush Bug! Because fuck yeah, that's why!

Also featured: Harbinger, Pariah, and Lady Quark because we're going to need some Anti-Monitor nonsense to really spice this shit up.

Also featured: Legion of Super-heroes and the Justice Society because that shit will need to come back because people miss it for some reason.

Hawkman comes face to face with Shayera and then gets the multiverses knocked out of him.

I was once hit this hard which is why I have no other future possibilities other than writing commentaries on DC Comics.

Mister Terrific watches Manhattan engulfed in a pink dome as Mega-Brainiac taunts him. Mega-Brainiac thinks Mister Terrific is dumbfounded by the sheer magnitude of Mega-Brainiac's destruction but he's wrong. Mister Terrific is merely thinking about how this is totally fucking up the uSphere's launch.

Mega-Brainiac also discusses omnipotence and he totally gets it! It's what I've been saying forever! Both ways forever! Because I'm sure this won't be the last time I say it!

See? I wrote this back in Wonder Woman #25: "I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience." I couldn't find where I originally mused about it since it's hard to sort through over two thousand commentaries. It was probably in one with Scott Lobdell's Oracle character though.

So Bruce interrupts Mister Terrific's conversation with Mega-Brainiac while Plastique and Tim Drake explore the rest of the building.

McG? Oh! She means Terry McBatman! It's hard keeping characters straight when the characters don't call each other by the names I made up for them.

Polaris, Shazaperman, and Firestorm teleport down to Manhattan to battle Baby Mega-Brainiac because Superman is out of shape, cramped up, and fell into the bay. Now the Justice League has to call on all the heroes (and probably villains) everywhere to help battle this new cosmic threat! Too bad this wasn't Marvel because all of the heroes and villains would already be in Manhattan ready to fight. But being DC, the heroes and villains have to travel from all over the world to join the fight.

They're unable to stop Baby Mega-Brainiac from hooking up his Manhattan Transfer to Mega-Brainiac in orbit. But they still have thirteen minutes before the connection is complete because that's like some kind of Super Villain Union Rule. You can't immediately defeat the good guys. You have to give them a fighting chance. Although during the transfer, Ray Palmer is obliterated by the same Pink Multiuniversal light that disintegrated Hawkman. Or did it? They probably just got transferred into Convalescence earlier than the rest of the New 52 Universe.

Futures End #41 Rating: +2 Ranking. Things are really ramping up nicely now that Convocation is nearly here! Plus two super heroes "died" this issue! Isn't that what this stupid book is supposed to be about? Heroes dying because it's an elseworld's story in which writers can kill heroes willy-nilly?! That's what I was expecting, anyway. And I've been sorely disappointed so far! Almost as disappointed in the same lack of deaths over in Suicide Squad.

Oh! And in the Next Issue Mural: Tara Markov! Preboot version! You know, the only version that matters!