Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Earth 2 #31

When does the Justice Society get stuck inside a crystal ball forever fighting Ragnarök?

Does anybody care about this title anymore? I'm asking because I don't care about it anymore and I was just wondering if everybody else felt the same way so I can make this commentary extra short. We all agree that Earth 2 sucks now, right? And it's not even interesting enough to make snarky comments about, right? Good!

The issue begins with Doctor Cocoa Puffs arguing with himself about how he can save the entire world. It's a little bit late for that, you numbskull. If you thought you could save the world, shouldn't you have gotten around to it about nineteen World's End issues ago? You killed one of The Four Horsewomen of Apokolips almost immediately (I think. I'm still fuzzy on how Famine was killed) and then instead of killing the other ones, you disappeared for fifteen issues. And to top it off, you've been wasting time trying to force your helmet onto John Constantine so you can get a free ride back to Earth-Main-Earth and not have to deal with this war. But Constantine got away, so I guess Doctor Cocoa Puffs realizes if he wants to live, he's going to have to save Earth-2 himself. Or at least what's left of Earth-2. It's kind of a shithole now.

This issue has a back-up feature about Aquawoman. She wants to ignore the battle with Apokolips and just save her people. But little does she realize, if the Earth blows up, the oceans will have nothing to contain them and they'll just spill out all over the solar system. Plus, she needs to survive so that she can make it to Earth-Main-Earth and cause some relationship drama between Mera and Aquaman.

Doctor Cocoa Puffs heads to Apokolips where he thinks he's going to defeat Darkseid and end the war. What he doesn't realize is that the Helm of Nabu is still just looking for a better fit.

Why did it ever choose Khalid in the first place? All it's tried to do since is leave him.

Actually, that last caption might not be true. I think the helm wanted to stay with Khalid early on when Khalid didn't want the helmet. And now that Khalid wants the helmet, it wants to find somebody else. I get it. It's a fickle bitch, that helmet.

Once on the head of Thrall, the Apokoliptian Magus, the Helm of Nabu finds itself under the, um, thrall of the new host. So his name was kind of a clue there, hunh, Nabu? You fucking idiot. Nabu's ego was too big to accept Khalid as a host but not big enough to control Thrall. Now Nabu is going to help Apokolips destroy Earth instead of being its savior.

I guess now we get to see Khalid become the true hero he was always meant to be, and the reason why Nabu picked him in the first place. And then Nabu will owe him one and he'll never leave Khalid's head again. Plus their personalities will probably integrate better and I'll have to stop calling him Doctor Cocoa Puffs. Maybe Doctor Froot Loops will work?

Were those last few panels supposed to be set off-kilter?

Before heading back to Earth, Khalid threatens the helmet. After the war is over, he's going to bury the helmet forever. That's going to be kind of hard to do after the war. You know, because Earth-2 will be obliterated. Besides, Khalid has so little control over the helmet. Why would he threaten it while it's on his head? I think I'll continue to call him Doctor Cocoa Puffs.

Earth 2 #31 Rating: No change. I suppose this issue was simply to prepare Doctor Fate for the new Justice Society book starting up in June. He's been mostly useless up until this point. The only good thing the helmet has done so far was killing Famine by fucking a Mother Box. But now Khalid and Nabu have an understanding. So thanks for a lackluster twenty pages of sorting out everything that was wrong with this character up until now. Plus some extra pages of Aquawoman just to get her back into the action in World's End.

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