Superman #38

This is actually a wrap-around cover but the back side is just a bunch of disembodied heads staring at Ulysses backside.

I hear Superman gets a new power in this issue! Do you think it has anything to do with how skinny his left leg is on this cover? Maybe he's going to gain super stretchy powers. I hope, after all that bullshit he went through against villains with mental powers in Lobdell's Superman run, he gains some kind of defense against mind control. Or maybe immunity to magic. He doesn't really need any more offensive powers, right? He's got cold breath and heat vision, so he doesn't need to blast lightning or sun-bolts. He's got flight and super strength and invulnerability. Maybe he'll develop at least a modicum of cynicism!

At the end of last issue, he was floating in space in the Fourth Dimension somewhere near where the Great World used to be. Ulysses was a little bit upset about the loss of his adopted home world and Superman was just all, "I know right? Tell me about it."

For the first few pages, Ulysses just beats the crap out of Superman and Superman takes it because he understands that Ulysses is going through some emotional shit right now. He's blaming Superman for sending the Earthlings back to Earth instead of pumping them into the Great World's Furnace to fuel the planet. But it wasn't Superman's fault. It was Ulysses' parents fault for not listening to him and remaining on Earth. Superman never could have talked Ulysses out of killing the millions of Earthlings because it was the only way to save Ulysses' adopted home. But when he suddenly had to choose between his parents and his new home, he chose his parents. So I think if somebody could just stop Ulysses and ask "Who are you really angry at?", he'll stop his rampage and put his chin in his hand and go, "Who the fuck are you?" Then he'll kill the idiot that asked that question and go right back to pummeling Superman.

Ulysses and Superman wind up back on Earth because Ulysses wants to destroy it out of spite. But then all Superman has to do is point out how Ulysses' parents are on Earth and he won't be able to do it! Issue over!

I didn't pay five dollars to read speeches! Start punching shit already!

Ulysses and Superman continue the fight out in the Pine Barrens or somewhere with no people (only squirrels and bears and other creatures that apparently don't fucking matter). At that point, Geoff and John and Laura fill up page after page after page with explosions. Maybe I was wrong about not wanting to read speeches! I guess I paid five dollars to look at a lot of orange ink.

Just to be clear, these are two separate double page spreads. I've pulled more visually interesting things out of the drain in my bathtub.

Superman and Ulysses collapse in a huge crater of mud and burnt foliage and dead, used-to-be-cute little animals. When Superman awakens, he finds himself in the Batcave staring directly into Batman's crotch.

It's a double page manspread!

John Romita Jr's version of the Batcave is awful. I think it goes against Bat-Continuity! When has the cave every looked like this? It looks like a mall with the dinosaur in the middle of the central courtyard where the fountain would usually be.

Batman, being the go-to guy when you need to know about Kryptonian physiology, has been running tests on Superman and he figured out that Superman has developed a new power: Solar Flaring!

What's with the great big circle surrounding Superman's crotch? Bat-perv.

So basically Superman can self-destruct? That's not really a surprise. It's just like Supergirl's FWASH power when she makes her vagina explode. Oh! Maybe that's why Batman circled Superman's crotch. It's where the new power emanates.

Ulysses wound up in a cell built to contain the Parasite. Superman feels like he should go talk to him because that probably won't set him off again. Plus, Superman needs a day or so to regain his powers. His new Self-Destruct Button (that's what Lois will eventually call his penis) really is a last line of defense, apparently. It saps him of all his power, destroys everything in the area, and leaves him as vulnerable as any human on the planet. He should probably go have sex with Wonder Woman now so he realizes what it really feels like! I bet having sex while invulnerable is like wearing a billion condoms.

Ulysses decides to pout in prison and never talk to Superman again. But his parents visits and he cries like a huge wuss.

Clark decides to go back to working for The Daily Planet because he can't stand sharing an office with Cat anymore. I knew those two idiots should have taken the money Glenn Morganmorgan Glennglenn offered them! They would have been free to do anything they wanted! Like start up a new blog doing exactly what they were doing on Clarkcatropolis but maybe with a better name this time. Instead, they acted like fools and now Clark's back to the Daily Grind. I mean Daily Planet.

Jimmy Olsen and Superman go out for hot dogs and then exchange secrets. Jimmy's secret is that he gave away all of his parents' money because it was a stupid idea to make Jimmy Olsen rich in the first place. Now who decided that was a good idea? Some writer that never thinks through any story further than the end of the month deadline on the issue he's currently writing. Some guy that doesn't understand characterization and writes characters as if they were him instead of trying to understand the character's own motivations and personality. Now if I could just remember that writer's name?! Oh well. After Jimmy tells Superman that he's broke, Superman opens up to Jimmy too.

"I'm Superman, Jim. And I want you to suck my balls."

Superman #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. What a let down! So Superman discovered his Exploding Vagina Power finally! Big deal! He'd have realized he had that power all along if he'd ever take the time to have a normal, non-condescending chat with his cousin Supergirl. And I have no idea if Jimmy Olsen ever knew Superman and Clark Kent were the same person even though they were the biggest pals ever. But I'm pretty sure Clark never asked Jimmy to become his personal teapot. That was a weird twist!