Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Batman and Robin #39

Damian's quinceañero goes horribly wrong.

I either need to invest in a notebook or a scribe because, while I was out in the scary world (aka the real world), I forgot the subjects I was going to muse about on this blog. That might be for the best since most readers of this blog think of it as a blog about comic books no matter how many times I point out that it's a blog about the most gifted person ever born to the modern era: Nikola Tesla. It's also a blog about me. I really should start making it more obviously about Nikola though.

Previously in Batman and Robin, Damian had begun to believe that gaining super powers was somehow a shortcut to adulthood. I can see how somebody powerful enough to shove their parents through a wall could make that mistake. But Damian's parents are Batman and Alfred, so even if Damian is powerful enough to turn them into billion dollar paste, it doesn't mean he's going to be capable of it. So that fucking brat had better shape up quick! Especially since there are only two issues left (counting this one!) before Batman can finally give Damian a hug.

This issue begins with Damian using his super speed to round up a few of Gotham's elite criminals. Well, one elite criminal and several nobodies. If you're keeping score, The Penguin is the elite criminal. Killer Croc, Bathead, Smush, Bootface, and Scallop are the nobodies. Okay fine! Killer Croc is a b-list somebody! But you have to admit that he isn't an "elite criminal." At the most, he's hired muscle and a fucking cannibal.

Damian gathers them all up in a room to show them his new super powers.

Tell their friends free trips into space?! Hoo boy!

Damian loses his grip on the rope and almost cleans up Gotham a little bit. But Batman flies by in the Batwing, catches the rope, and lectures Damian.

You might also believe he flipped him off, depending on how good my photoshop skills are.

The next day, Damian and Bruce go fishing the way neither of them love to do. While fishing, Bruce tells Damian how he was able to resurrect him. Turns out the chaos sliver that Bruce used to bring Damian back from the dead also implanted the knowledge within Bruce about how to accomplish the feat. In other words, comic books.

Damian cuts Alfred's suggested father/son time down by flying Bruce and the boat back to Wayne Manor. Now that they've half-heartedly respected Alfred's wishes that they bond in a normal activity, Bruce goes back to running tests on Damian and almost getting sued by Marvel.

Ten years old? I'm forty-three and still feel invincible! Except for my eyesight failing, my lower back constantly hurting, hemorrhoids, enlarged prostate, decreased lung function, hatred of new music, increasing concern over the lawn, fear of youth, decreased sexual appetite except where teenaged girls are concerned and then I'm a leering, drooling pervert, abundance of ear hair, loss of head hair, occasional renal failure, tendency to vote Republican, and the ever increasing strong belief that every random opinion to pop into my head is the wisest and most profound thing ever thought by anybody ever. Besides those things, I still feel sixteen! Also, I might not actually suffer from all of those things. Although I'm getting rather fidgety right now thinking that there might be kids on my lawn!

Damian continues to rely on his new powers instead of his Bat-Training while battling Gotham bad guys and it's giving Batman an ulcer. Unless ulcers aren't caused that way anymore but are caused by viruses instead. What am I? A doctor?! Or even curious about ulcers? Gross! You can Wikipedia that garbage if you're interested.

Batman tries to talk some adult logic into Damian's little kid brain and just like all the little kids reading this right now thinking, "Pshaw! Whatever, old person!", he doesn't believe that age and experience might know something that he's yet to learn. Also, what are you doing reading this, little kid? Does your mom want you to read words like cunt and cocksucker? I didn't think so. Now go back to playing Penguin Club that's probably full of old pervert penguins trying to lure young penguins into seductive, censored sex dens. Or *** dens.

Batman gets called by the Justice League to solve one of their problems, so he leaves Damian alone with the Batmobile. Is this one of those moments where you show your child that you trust them and that motivates them to do the right thing? Or is Batman a naive dickslap?

Apparently Batman just did the pretend to leave but wait around a little bit to see how badly Damian goofs off instead thing.

There are loads and loads of types of people but the two I'm interested in talking about right now are these: one type of soulless, joyless motherfuckers that read the preceding panel and think, "How the fuck is the Batsignal still working?"; and the other that thinks, "Did Tess use that semicolon correctly?" No wait! The other whimsical, gleeful types think, "Ha ha ha!" Or something. I'm one of a third type that really enjoys Tomasi so even though I think about the Batsignal and how it shouldn't still be lit (Damian's super powers, probably!), I still thoroughly enjoy this scene. But if it were Red Hood or Arsenal in this scene being written by Scott Lobdell, I'd tear his fucking head off with my words!

I embrace my hypocrisy and bias and sometimes I even bring it to orgasm.

Damian acting like a complete psychopath earns him a trip to the Justice League Satellite Headquarters Sponsored by LexCorps, so it totally worked. In your face, Batman! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I thought Damian was trying to trick him into transforming. Apparently, Shazam can say "Shazam" without changing. I bet he only changes if he says it with an exclamation point at the end!

While Shazam tries to get Robin to play with him, Superman informs Batman that Godzilla is attacking Japan. I bet battling that monster would be more fun than playing Mario Kart with Billy Batson! Although Damian should pal around with Shazam because Shazam is proof that the Justice League allows minors on the team! They must not care about minors getting injured if they allow Billy to fight with them. And if they refuse to let Robin join, then it shows that the only thing the Justice League really cares about is the way people view them. As long as people think the thirteen year old is a full grown man, nobody is going to hassle them about it.

Robin knows a little bit about the island where the monster is from and it's called Ghost Island. Isn't that the island where Planetary found all the giant monster corpses?

Whoa! What kind of parental gambit is this, Batman?! I bet he just doesn't trust Damian to remain on the satellite all by himself.

Batman and Robin #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I bet Batman learned about some kind of radiation on Monster Ghost Island that negates Chaos Shard superpowers! That guy's always got some kind of plan. Removing Damian's superpowers falls in the parental category of "for his own good." He's gotten careless now that he's begun relying on his powers. Taking his powers away will save this kid's life before his powers fail for a microsecond just as a bullet rips its way through his throat. And then what? I'll have to read another nine months of Batman dealing with his grieving process all over again! And in the middle of that, he'll probably have a five issue story arc dealing with Erin McKilleverbuddy. And who wants to sit through that again, no matter how good they were the first time? Oh, um, and here's my review of this comic book: it gets to be better than Grayson at least until Grayson comes out because this comic book is entertaining. Then pretend I wrote a few trite lines about how the art works with the story and some bullshit.

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