New Guardians #39

Aside from the Green Lantern: New Guardians header, this looks like an exciting comic book!

How many assholes are rooting for Oblivion to murder Kyle Rayner? I'm sure I'm not the only person with both hands up and excitedly shouting, "Ooh! Me! Me!" You know what would be a nice ending? If Carol finds that Oblivion just stocked her refrigerator with fresh cold cuts.

Hmm, speaking of fresh cold cuts....

I, too, usually forget about my leftovers and they wind up going bad.

Kyle Rayner is having a nightmare about making out with his ex-girlfriend's reanimated corpse. At first it seemed kind of hot because she was wearing a loose skirt with no underwear and a belly shirt which exposed her belly button which was way too far down her belly for some rare medical reason. But then she started to rot in his grasp and things got decidedly less sexy from there on out.

It turns out Kyle wasn't kissing his dead girlfriend at all. He was kissing Oblivion, his evil doppelganger. Although he exists solely to destroy Kyle Rayner, so how evil can he truly be? Even Kyle, subconsciously, knows the DC Universe would be better off if he were dead. He really should hang out with John Stewart more often. That should substantially lower his chances of survival.

Kyle resists Oblivion because he just doesn't know what's best for fans of the DC Universe. Stop acting so selfishly, Kyle Rayner, and just let go! Like the poet said, "...go gentle into that good night." Your time is done, Kyle. You were simply a band-aid to cover the festering wound left by DC's decision to make Hal Jordan go insane. But since Hal Jordan is back and doing an adequate job, your role has become redundant. DC Comics is going to have to let you go. Plus, who needs a White Lantern anymore? Especially one that's a comic book artist who can rewrite the universe. I think somebody with some basic science and math skills might be better at the job. One wrong line of universal code and the whole thing will crash.

While Kyle battles Oblivion in his mind, Carol battles Oblivenom on the planet's surface. She's joined by Saysoran, the last living native of this planet.

And a bombshell! If Saysoran's boobs don't flop out of that dress during her laser battle with the all-powerful evil doppelganger of a cosmic crime-fighter, I'm going to find this comic book totally unbelievable.

Oblivion mentions that Saysoran will be the next White Lantern. That makes sense. I was wondering why her breasts were so huge and why she was so scantily clad. But if she's going to be a superheroine, it's good that she's already got the wardrobe for it.

Kyle sends the women away while he battles Oblivion. Not because he thinks they're not strong enough to help defeat Oblivion but because he's not strong enough to defeat Oblivion and he's embarrassed that two attractive women might see him die. A lot of punches are thrown as Kyle says, "I'll stop you!" Then Oblivion says, "You can't stop me!" Then Kyle says, "Oh yeah!" And Oblivion says, "Yeah!"

Once again, the ultimate message is power corrupts.

This is one of the problems with equating super heroes with cosmic police forces. Once you move from simply helping people in need to enforcing laws for the good of the people, you begin to think that you're the only one that knows what's best for everybody else. Removing people's free will for their own safety is usually a mistake. It winds up with you growing a beard, letting your hair go uncut, and finally ending up sitting upon a throne doing your best King Conan impersonation. For the most part, intellectually, I'm sick of these stories about good heroes who become "too good" and wind up being fascist dictators keeping people safe from their own freedom. But when you see how corrupt America's police force is, well, fuck it. I guess these kinds of stories are actually relevant.

Except they're fictional stories about super heroes who are above human fallibility! At least they used to be. Now the only way for a super hero to be interesting is if he or she exists in a gray area where anything goes. I think Superman and Captain America were just too successful at being good. Readers decided that "good" now meant "boring." Minor characters like The Punisher and Rorschach who were meant to be critiques about good guys going too far became fan favorites. Going too far became the norm while doing the right thing no matter what became passé. I just wish more characters fought crime adorably. I can't wait until Maps Mizoguchi becomes a full-fledged super hero.

Oblivion tries to make Kyle Rayner not exist but he's saved by the cavalry.

Is that sexist? Calling Carol the cavalry?

Why is Exeter helping out? I suppose he needed a new job after Kyle freed Relic. I hope Exeter doesn't die next issue! He may have been the best character to come out of this comic book!

New Guardians #39 Rating: No change. Do you think Saint Walker ever gets tired of screaming out some trite line about hope whenever he appears? Do you think he tells his shrink, "You know, there's more to me than hope. This is just my career. I have hobbies, interests, loves. Why doesn't anybody ever ask me about those? No. It's always, 'Saint Walker! I hope you can super charge my ring!' Or they'll call me on the phone and be all, 'I hope I didn't disturb you. *titter*' You know the only person who has even asked me about my cranial sex organ was one of Hal Jordan's nephews! I wish that magic sock puppet maker had never even stitched me together and brought me to life by shooting a load of his semen into my elastic orifice!"