Friday, February 27, 2015

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

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