Sunday, July 6, 2014

Swamp Thing #33

If I could send one type of plant to Hell, it would be those trees that smell like semen. Why does their plant spooge have to smell so similar to human jizz?! Walking outside in Spring and Summer is often like getting a surprise Bukake.

I watched a video review of an issue of Batman on some comic book site too boring to remember, and I have to wonder how those things are so popular? Is it just because they're easy to view? You can sort of half-listen to them while jerking it to porn? Here's the thing: reading the comic book, which is far more entertaining, takes nearly the same amount of time as hearing some jerk tell you about it while abusing the amount of work the word "very" should actually be doing according to Word Union Standards. The person giving the review said this about Snyder and Capullo's Batman and my brain literally metaphorically went inside-out: "It's very, very classical." I suppose even though it's easier for the viewer to find more stuff about Batman if they get to listen to it while doodling pictures of Batman teabagging The Hulk, it's more difficult for the reviewer to blather on and on about the comic book without suddenly depending on the word "very" to do all of the work. I know I should probably be paying "fuck" time and a half on my blog but fuck fuck. Get a real job, you slacker!

I would have watched more reviews because maybe I just listened to one where the reviewer wasn't totally into it. But I had more important things to do like go meet Super Bobcat for dinner so she could start calling me Nothing Bobcat which just sent me into a huge existential crisis. It didn't help that she decided later that I was more of a "loser Bobcat" and that the best way to tell me was to stick her finger in my face and say, "No! You're Loser Bobcat!"

Super Bobcat and Loser Bobcat.

Loser Bobcat needs a haircut! And jeans that fit! It must be nice to be a leafy green plant man that can look like whatever he wants. It must also be nice to be a head in a jar.

Meanwhile in comic books, Swamp Thing has finally had enough of Lady Weeds and her passive-aggression. Probably because her passive-aggressive attitude finally gave way to aggressive-aggression when she stabbed him in the the face with a knife last issue.

He should have asked her if she's going to keep stabbing him in the face.

Swamp Thing continues to be manipulated by Wolf because Alec Holland is too nice. And now that Lady Weeds has proven more dangerous than Swamp Thing realized, Alec will probably trust Wolf even more. I don't know if this was Wolf's plan all along, to turn himself and Lady Weeds into Good Cop/Bad Cop, but he's going to take advantage of it while he can.

Swamp Thing creates a Mini-Swamp Thing to help him keep an eye on The Green and tells his other kids to stay in the house while he checks up on the world. And then he's off like some poetical image I can't bring myself to say because it's trite and cheesy.

Having Lady Weeds attack Swamp Thing was indeed part of Wolf's plan as was nearly everything in the last few months. He's keeping Swamp Thing off-balance by hiring people to fuck with The Green on a nearly constant basis. In the meantime, he plays up the role of trusting adviser. Eventually, the plan is to install Lady Weeds as the Avatar while Wolf becomes the sole tree in the Parliament of Trees. They just need to find a way to defeat a Plant God and a nearly immortal warrior woman and probably Jonah, the laid back ex-avatar monk.

The final part of Wolf's plan is to have Swamp Thing assaulted constantly by demons. Eventually they'd overwhelm Swamp Thing and his body would be theirs. Too bad he hired a bunch of quitters.

He should have hired Twat Lobo!

Since Wolf's overly intricate, time wasting, fuddy duddy plan failed, Lady Weeds decides it's time to change tactics. She's much more violent and direct. What's needed now is a lot of blood and gore! She should hire Original Lobo!

Turning Wolf into some hideous, bloodthirsty monstrosity is another way to go.

Swamp Thing #33 Rating: No change. Not much to say about Swamp Thing by Charles Soule. It's always one of the top five comic books DC puts out each month. It's so good that it takes me out of my whimsical, goofy commenter persona and into my boring, state the facts ma'am, simple explication persona. Maybe that's why the review I watched was so boring! Because it was about a well written comic book and not a total stinker like Catwoman or anything by Lobdell! I'm going to search their site for a review of a comic book I know is shitty so I can have a properly researched opinion on their abilities as reviewers!

Hmm. Nevermind. I couldn't find any reviews of shitty comics. The closest I got was a review on Superman #30 which the reviewer found "quite interesting" a fair number of times. He also gave it a pass if you're not into Superman which is as close as he can probably say to "Scott Lobdell's writing is terrible" without causing their site to lose their seemingly good relationship with DC Comics. I imagine that's why so many reviews are of very, very decent to very, very well written comic books only. You don't want to shit in the mouth of the hand that feeds you! That's why I feed myself. Because I shit in everybody else's mouths far too often to rely on them to feed me.

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