Thursday, July 10, 2014

Batman Eternal #14

This cover gives me an idea!

What is Batman without his enemies? Just a crazy guy in a bat costume swinging around the city peering in strangers' windows! And what am I without an enemy? Practically the same thing! Except for the swinging! And the bat costume. And any kind of clothing at all, actually. So what I need to become a truly great internet blogger is an enemy! And I don't mean an enemy like Scott Lobdell who doesn't even know I exist because I'm so far beneath him and write on the internet. I need somebody whose attention I know I can get and who I'm fairly certain, comic fans being what they are, I can really piss off! Right now, I am declaring Comicsverse my enemy! Prepare to barely notice me yipping at you and your reviewers from two blocks down the street and over one house, right next to that yellow house with the chain link fence! Metaphorically, I mean!

Now that I have an archenemy, I'm probably going to promptly forget that I have an archenemy! Maybe I should declare war on a site which also reviews every issue of The New 52 so I can make direct comparisons of their terrible writing and blindingly obvious revelations to my stellar genius and way with the words and such. I think either way, in the end, it's all just too much work for me to even care about my archenemy, no matter whom I choose.

Before I read Batman Eternal, here's an advertisement. My friend began a Twitter that he didn't tell anybody about but I'm like Sherlock Holmes and shit so I figured it out immediately and shit. Giraffe Sex Tape. I'm pretty sure he got the idea while watching Episode 1 of Season 3 of Wilfred. Anyway, you should go follow him just so he can think, "Where the fuck did all of these followers come from? Do they all have secret Giraffe Sex Tapes?"

I'd forgotten that The Joker's Daughter was running some kind of Satanic Cult from the basement of Arkham!

I felt like I was following along with the stories inside Batman Eternal due to its weekly schedule but now they've reminded me that there are arcs to this series that I've completely forgotten about! I completely forgot that Batwing and The Spectre were investigating the strange goings on at Arkham. I don't know if they tie into the rest of the crap going down in the city. It could be all of these criminals just got wind of the same thing at the same time and realized it was time to challenge Batman for control of his city. Maybe I should take a quick tally of the antagonists (the ones I can remember, anyway).

Professor Pyg. So far he's been a pawn and a distraction. But he almost got to Falcone himself and the only thing that saved Falcone was Catwoman being in the room at the same time. Batman couldn't let any harm come to her although he definitely could have dragged his heels on getting Carmine.

Carmine Falcone. Currently the main antagonist trying to take control of Gotham, although it looks like somebody even higher up is still waiting in the wings. He had neutered the Gotham Police Department until Jason Bard began taking matters into his own hands.

The Penguin. The Penguin has been running Gotham's underworld for about five years now, having driven Falcone out. He's nothing new and not much of a threat right now as Carmine has him against the ropes.

Cluemaster. Cluemaster's plans are still unknown. According to his daughter Stephanie, he's planning something nefarious.

The Joker's Daughter. She's under Arkham cutting off people's left arms and trying to summon something. The real Joker, maybe?

Catwoman. Not really an antagonist although Batman #28 has her seemingly ruling the Gotham Underworld (and the Gotham Underground which is totally different somehow). So Batman's probably going to piss her off at some point and she's going to go feral.

Deathstroke. Deathstroke is headquartered on Cadmus Island with his sidekick, a little girl named...oh wait. That's the other weekly book. Never mind.

James Gordon Jr. JGJ has only recently come onto the scene and he might just be interested in fucking with his dad.

The Nano-Virus. I have no fucking clue what this thing is doing. It seems like it may have been a mistake which Red Robin is eventually going to clear up.

There was also that guy standing by the subway track for a few too many hours whom Batgirl and Red Hood are hunting down. And that's all I can currently remember!

This isn't even a Teen Plus Rated comic book! You can't talk about Rimjobs in a normal comic book! Comic Code Violation! Injury to the (Brown) Eye! Corrupted youth! Sexy, sexy butthole licking!

Carmine is interrupted mid-anus puckering fantasy by The Penguin slaughtering all of his bodyguards. It's easy to just think of The Penguin as a misshapen, horrible little business man that runs his empire from behind a desk that's behind a bunch of people with guns. But The Penguin has never forgotten his love of trick umbrellas and murdering the fuck out of people.

Falcone is now 0 for 2 against Gotham's crazy time players.

Carmine gets lucky if you really fucking twist the definition of "lucky." Jason Bard and his team, along with Vicki Vale and her crew, appear just in time to stop Oswald from killing Falcone. So at least he isn't going to be dead in a second. But he is going to jail for criminal conspiracy at the least and breaking probably every other law on the books at the most. And The Penguin gets to join him for murder and attempted murder! And ex-commissioner Forbes will be waiting for them in prison as well! That's what happens when you team up with a cowardly mayor like Hady! He's into money and power but not into risk and long prison sentences, so he just gave up everyone when Jason Bard approached him with some audio evidence of Forbes working with Falcone.

Meanwhile on the way to Tokyo, Red Robin realizes he has a stowaway named Harper Row. He's really starting to get pissed off that she's so much smarter than he is.

Batman pays Jason Bard a visit to tell him that if he isn't willing to play by Batman's rules than Batman isn't willing to work with him. Who does Batman think he is? The Penguin? Carmine Falcone? Who is he to tell the police how to run their city? Well, Batman doesn't actually tell Bard how to run things. He just makes him defend himself and then doesn't shake his hand. I think not shaking another man's hand is highly offensive. I wouldn't know since I never shake anybody's hand because it's an overly aggressive act that means nothing. Wasn't my "Hello, pleased to meet you" good enough for you? Why do I have to touch you as well? And not just touch you but be judged by you as you test my grip! Fuck off! That tradition needs to fucking die.

I don't know what her daddy told her. I'm confused. Not as confused as when Ann Nocenti was writing her though. Have you seen how much Joker's Daughter #1 with the migraine inducing cover sells for? Holy fuck, this world is bonkers.

Batman Eternal #14 Rating: No change. I guess Jason Bard had to have some faults, didn't he? You can't have another cop as lawful and intelligent as Gordon (unless she's also a lesbian) and you can't have a butler as loyal and capable as Alfred Pennyworth. Next issue is going to deal with the crazy antics of The Joker's Daughter in Arkham and The Spectre trying to vengeance her! It might also begin with a nice sex scene because "take care of" might mean "to fornicate!" And she's already trying to mount his probably flaccid penis. I bet it flops around like Ray Bolger trying to find his balance. Weird that her daddy would have told her to fuck Crane though.

My archenemy Comicsverse doesn't have a video review for this comic book, so I'll have to point and laugh at their review for Green Arrow #32 instead! First off, Brandon the Reviewer points out that this issue is a good jumping on point for people not familiar with Green Arrow. Who isn't familiar with Green Arrow?! What's there to know about him?! It's all in the name! He's green and he, well, he's not an arrow exactly. I guess that could be confusing since he just shoots arrows and isn't one himself. I guess Brandon the Reviewer expects his audience to come to him for his golden knowledge nuggets having never read a comic book before. Or maybe they've read plenty and they just never understood them. I can see that happening if someone were to pick up Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, they might not have any idea what's going on. "So Catwoman is a race car driver? And she doesn't like her suit? Wait, she hates cats? Is she a woman? What's going on here?!"

Next, Brandon the Reviewer points out how Ollie is no longer under control of Seattle. Wait, who's Ollie?! Does he have any relation to this Green Arrow I know nothing about? And why was he king of Seattle? That sounds like a pretty sweet and laid back gig right there! I bet I could head up to Seattle tomorrow and just proclaim that I'm the king of it and everybody would be, "Yeah? Okay. Cool. Can I get you some fish and a coffee?"

Brandon the Reviewer goes on to say that Red Dragon is now King of Seattle. Who the fuck is Red Dragon? Is that the code name of Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter? Maybe it's his brother from Moscow. You know the one! The one that beat the shit out of Rocky Balboan.

If you don't get that previous joke that is not a typo, don't worry. I won't understand it either when I reread this next month!

Brandon the Reviewer points out that Ollie makes a joke about Red Dart's name. He doesn't mention how Green Arrow should really stop pissing in people's mouths when they can readily piss in his mouth over his name as well. Also, Brandon the Reviewer hasn't said "fuck" one single time in the whole two minutes of his review! How does he expect to gain followers? They have to hear the word fuck over and over again or they will get bored, listless, and depressed!

Anyway, Brandon the Reviewer goes on to call Jeff Lemire "brilliant" as opposed to "hackneyed," after which he says he's "digging" Andrea Sorrentino's art instead of saying, "How do you expect a color blind person to read this thing?!" He finishes with "I think I'll be following along; you should too." I expected after that moment to hear the Reading Rainbow "du nun dunt!"

Holy shit! Fuck this commentary shit! Also fuck you, Comicsverse, because you are now my sworn enemy! Back to my fucking of this commentary shit though! I should be writing Reading Rainbow reviews for DC Comic books and then filming all the various neighbor kids reading my scripts! Genius! Granted, I might get arrested for the corruption of minors. But it'll probably be worth it! DU NUN DUNT!

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