Grayson #1

The gun is a big "Fuck You!" to Batman.

My comic book store forgot that I added this to my pull list so I was able to choose which cover I wanted instead of being at their mercy. The choice was the cover above or a white cover with no art on it at all. While that cover looked clean, I felt like I wasn't getting my $2.99 worth. Also, I read comics to be entertained by the words and images and not to sit staring at a stark white space and thinking, "That's really clean!"

Getting back to Dick and his gun, does anybody think Batman approves? Batman always gets snotty whenever he sees a non-cop good guy with a gun. I think Dick chose to use one because he's super pissed that Batman has forced him to go into hiding without informing Babs and Alfred that he's not dead. He's also using a gun so DC could use the tag line "You don't know Dick" in their promos. That promo, by the way, was truly offensive. Don't tell me that I don't know dick! I know a lot about dick! Stop infantilizing your audience, DC! We're adults! I bet 98% of your audience has sucked a big, fat cock! At least 98% of the audience that is into Nightwing, anyway.

DC, I don't think you meant for this to read how it reads.

Dick Grayson is now working for Spyral. Unless it's Spiral. Unless it's something completely different. He's Agent 37 for some reason that probably means something to Tim Seeley but doesn't mean anything to me. Dick is new at his job so it's not his fault that, as he boards the Trans-Siberian Railroad, he's spotted by a Midnighter look-a-like named Black Oak. Black Oak watches Dick battle with security on top of the train and thinking how great this would look as a film. Why hasn't Hollywood optioned this already?! A fight on top of a train in the first scene! Sold!

While Dick engages in battle atop the train, a woman (possibly The Matron of Spyral (unless it's Spiral)) seduces the ever-hungry fat person. It's always so comical to have a fat person on screen (not on page because, really, this should be a movie already!) say things like, "So hungry!" The fat guy's first name is Lenin backwards which is clever in a way that isn't really clever but has enough similarity to clever that nobody will notice how not clever it actually is.

I imagine this entire scene will play out for a few pages as Dick and The Matron work their way through their own individual action packed scenes before meeting up in the cabin to fuck while the beginning credits roll with a profile of a naked woman doing sexual things to a gun while a song so similar to Goldfinger plays that the audience has to wonder why Goldfinger wasn't just used for every fucking movie.

Obviously she was intercepted by Black Oak's matron. Nobody but sitcom producers believe that a woman this striking would be interested in Mister Ninel "So Hungry" Dubovanov.

I couldn't figure out what other action Agent 37 would have to get into before fucking because I instantly assumed the blonde was Dick's Matron. But this makes so much more sense! I don't watch a lot of spy movies, so I'm a bit rusty with their motifs. Obviously, Dick is going to have to fuckfight this blonde woman. The credits will roll after he regrets having to knock her out before doing it with her. But that's okay because just before the beginning credits roll, he'll get to passionately kiss Matron in that way old screen actors kissed where they press their lips together tightly and mash their faces together awkwardly.

I bet those evil jerks over at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. are all, "This book is a very, very intriguing start to a very, very new comic book! I'm very intrigued and you should be too!" I wonder what C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. stands for? Probably something really evil and slimy and perverse! They're so evil and slimy and perverse! Totally my archenemies!

Look at how fast that train is going! This comic book wants to be a movie so badly!

Dick manages to spill some wine on Van Damsel and she calls him an idiot in Russian. I don't know why DC couldn't translate "idiot" for the masses! Is that a swear word? No, if it were a swear word, I would use it more. Van Damsel storms off to radio back to headquarters that her seduction attempt has been diverted for a moment. Because Mister So Hungry probably would hate to fuck her with that wine stain on her clothes. Gross!

I hate when my grandmothers bunch up on me!

The wine Dick spilled apparently contained a toxin that is delivered through whatever breasts are made of because Van Damsel passes out while Dick kidnaps Mr. So Hungry. Nenil must be full of some kind of toxin or explosive or nuclear device because Dick is warned that Nenil cannot be breached. So Dick uses Spyral's (unless it's Spiral's) hypno-tech to convince him that they're Best Russian Friends Forever. I guess it's so the guy will follow him and Dick won't have to keep carrying him since he's so fat and hungry.

I'm disappointed that no spy sex has happened so far but I'm not counting it out yet because Black Oak attacks Dick! And by Black Oak, I mean Midnighter! So he wasn't just a look-a-like! He's the real deal and since he hasn't been allowed to battle Batman yet, Dick Grayson is the next best thing. I feel bad for Dick though. His first issue and he's already battling people that he can't beat? How embarrassing must it be to get beat up in your debut issue? Although if Dick can't beat him in hand to hand combat, he might be able to beat him by using spy seduction techniques. That might be Dick's only chance.

Although for Dick to seduce Midnighter, he really has to be into fucking men. Because Midnighter will be able to tell how much the blood flow to Dick's penis has changed by the flush on Dick's cheeks and the rate of his heartbeat. Midnighter probably has the best gaydar in the DCU.

Unless it's Spiral.

Lucky for Dick, Nenil wakes up and blasts the fuck out of Midnighter who flies fifteen bajillion babushkas away. The reason Nenil has been so hot and so hungry isn't because he's so fat at all. It's because he's smuggling some kind of super weapon inside his body. Dick was sent by Spyral to capture him so they can, well, probably use him for their own purposes. Unless Dick does some of that super tricky undercover shit where he "accidentally" pulls the super device out of Nenil's ass and helps him escape.

I guess as long as Dick is able to pretend that Ninel was helped by Spyral, everything is okay.

His name is Mr. Minos because Spyral has a labyrinth fetish. Her name is Helena Bertinelli because that's what her parents named her. I wonder if she'll mention the story of her passport having been stolen a few years back.

Back at Dick's base which is a dorm very close to Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls dorm (that makes it sexy! Unless the girls are underage! I mean, that still might be sexy depending on the circumstances and the people involved since "underage" doesn't mean children but "can't be seen as sexual in any way at all due to an arbitrary number decided upon by law"), he reports back to Matches Malone via hidden communicator. His message is, "I don't know anything yet but I wanted the readers to know that I was in contact with you while infiltrating Spyral to figure out who Mr. Minos really is since his face simply appears as a swirling swirl."

The issue ends with a scene of Mr. Minos speaking with Otto Netz's granddaughter. They seem to be concentrating on two things: finding organs from the Paragon Protocol, and discovering the secret identities of superheroes. Of course, the reason Batman sent Dick to infiltrate Spyral was to find out if they knew his secret identity and to somehow force them to forget it. Part of the reason they brought in Dick Grayson was because of his close ties to the super hero community. I think. Maybe. Perhaps if I find a review of this issue by the villains at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E., they'll be able to explain it to me fully!

Grayson #1 Rating: I'll begin this comic ranked at about #20 since I like Dick Grayson. Finally! I never really cared about him before The New 52 but I like the role he's grown into and how he's become one of the few people Batman respects as an equal. What I don't like is that he's been separated from the Batfamily and most of his best moments are when he's helping Batfamily members through difficult situations with his calm demeanor and sloppy hugs.

Comicsverse hasn't done a review of Grayson #1 so I can't point out how many times they use "very" in their reviews. Foiled!