Friday, July 4, 2014

Justice League 3000 #8

The Flash must be done dying indiscriminately now that he's in the body of Teri. Unless it's Terry.

The JL3k Gang have returned to Cadmusworld where DNA meets other DNA to form different DNA! Just like what happens in uteruses all over the universe! Unless that happens in fallopian tubes all over the universe! It probably happens more often just spread out in large bodies of water where sentient creatures swim and gather it in their mouth to spit on their friends who splashed a whole bunch of DNA in their faces mere moments before. Sometimes DNA doesn't even need other DNA to form different DNA! Although that makes it harder to form different DNA when you only have the one DNA to start with. At that point, you're just praying for a mutation that will make your child cooler than you were in hydra junior high. Although I guess if you reproduce asexually, there's practically no reason to be cool! Or good looking! Or ambitious! Or to have a great looking car! Or to wear low cut shirts and high cut skirts! Or to not play Dungeons & Dragons!

It turns out Firestorm 3000 did betray the JL3k Gang last issue except nobody realized it because Terry's betrayal was a bit more in your face what with killing The Flash and his own sister. Firestorm 3000 simply agreed to become a freelance super hero working for The Fatal Five when they need somebody that can transmute one non-organic thing into some other non-organic thing. Oh, and Locus is busy doing something else so she can't be bothered. The rest of the JL3k Gang act surprised because they're all idiots.

Who calls you weapons? The Justice League? And why would they? I already hate the New Teen Titans!

Unless Ariel Masters works with Terry the Evil Wonder Twin, he threatens to kill the Justice League and resurrect them and kill them and resurrect them over and over again until she gives in. She gives in immediately which seems like a dumb idea to me. It can't be cheap resurrecting super heroes! Maybe she can bankrupt Cadmusworld by not giving in! Although she probably doesn't want to be responsible for all of the innocent people used in the resurrection process. Maybe pretending to give in is the best choice for now. Although she might as well kick him in the balls at least once. It's not like he's going to kill her for acting out.

Locus and Convert check out the Cadmusworld DNA vaults where they keep the DNA of nearly every super hero that ever lived. Hopefully they have a sample of Ambush Bug's DNA. This would be the perfect comic book for his first appearance! But right now, Locus is only interested in one batch of ancient jizz.

Hal Jordan is so lucky. Le sigh.

Did you know that when people say "DNA," they don't always mean "semen"? They just mean like skin cells and hair and stuff! I always thought when they were swabbing a person's mouth for DNA, it was because they were collecting leftover semen from the party the night before! I hope most people don't equate DNA with semen. That way when I tell them I always leave DNA in every room I'm in, they don't realize what I really mean.

Currently, the JL3k Gang aren't thinking about semen but escape. I'm going to create an App called "Semen Butt Escape." If this were thirty years ago, it would be the name of my Punk Rock band. But times change! Remember how everybody used to think DNA meant semen?

That's not a big sword! It might be considered wide or fat but definitely not big. I already hate the new Suicide Squad.

Green Lantern's powers are beginning to act a lot like Locus's powers. Is it possible she loved him so much that she changed reality so that his Green Lantern powers are more like hers? Whatever is going on, Green Lantern is acting a lot more like Hal Jordan than any of the other JL3k Gang are acting like their non-super hero identity counterparts. He's got a can do attitude and wearing a save the day smile! Hal thinks his powers are simply enhanced by future technology. He's probably wrong. Hal might be good at beating stuff up to save the day but he's not very good at actually dissecting a problem and figuring out what's actually going on. Why should he when he can usually win the day through brute force and sheer willpower?

But that's why Hal needs the Justice League! So they can figure out the more complex problems. Well, that's why Hal needs...hmm, you know what? I can't think of one of the Justice League that doesn't constantly rely on excessive force from battle to battle. Sometimes Wonder Woman uses hugs but I don't think that's going to work this time. And Batman uses subterfuge but that's generally to just get him close enough to use excessive force. So now the JL3k Gang are using subterfuge because Hal has freed them from constant surveillance. Now they just need to get close enough to the Fatal Five to play their excessive force card! But they'll have to do it quick, so they need a new Flash! Luckily, they now have one.

This Flash is much better than the Barry Flash.

Justice League 3000 #8 Rating: No change. Now that Ariel Masters can mix and match DNA, the JL3k Gang needs to kill Locus so they can incorporate her semen into themselves and they'll all have reality changing powers! That's how it works, right? Who wants to waste their time with lame powers like super speed and super strength and super brooding when you can have Make A Wish powers! Just imagine! You can create and eat all the candy and pudding you want and never have to get so fat that you can't leave your house! Not that you'd have any reason to leave your house if you had Make A Wish powers. I would wish to be immortal and eternally young and invulnerable and eternally healthy and sometimes I'd wish I were a woman and sometimes I'd wish I were a man and sometimes I'd wish I were a cat! Although if I wished I were a cat, I'd probably forget that I had Make A Wish powers because look! A string! It must die!

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