Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Superman #33

When did it become popular to have Superman's finger constantly on the heat vision trigger?

I wonder if Superman can withstand the customer support line at GoDaddy because I sure can't! Who writes the crap the on-hold narrator spews at the person that just wants to be able to log in to the account so that they can transfer away the account?! "We will exceed your expectations!" No. Don't. Just do what I ask! Don't do what you think I want you to do according to some intuitive leap of your psychotic business model based on what I actually want you to do! Your commercials shouldn't have half-naked women stopping just short of getting naked to lure pervs to your site to see the rest of the video where, I assume, nobody actually gets naked. Your commercials should say, "Come to to see video of us fucking ourselves with sharp objects!"

At this point, I should clarify that I never actually wanted to be in bed with GoDaddy. But when I purchased the business I had been working for for several years, the original owner had registered the business's domain name at GoDaddy. Thankfully he didn't decide to host the site with them. I told him I was going to be moving away from GoDaddy as soon as possible but when I realized the site wasn't hosted there, I forgot I had any links to them at all. Until this month. Because now GoDaddy wants some of my money! Well guess what, GoDaddy! You aren't getting any money from me, you fucktwats! I'm going to gamble with my site! I'll let it expire and then re-register it with my site's current host and cut you out of the loop forever! Ha ha ha! And if it doesn't work and I somehow fuck it all up and lose my business site, it'll still be worth it to know I didn't give you any money! Besides, my web site doesn't really do much for my business anyway. I really simply rely on word of mouth and people running into me on the street and saying, "You don't look too creepy. You want another client?"

I'm sure some of you with actual working reading comprehension skills are thinking, "Why gamble on the site? Why not just transfer it like you mentioned you were trying to do right at the start before you got distracted by your love of hating things?" Well that brings us back around to the Superman withstanding the customer support line comment! You see, I can't actually get into the GoDaddy account without jumping through a whole bunch of hoops that I don't feel like jumping through. Especially if it only means that when I'm done running around collecting all the gems, I still have to speak with GoDaddy Customer Support! I just can't do it. Not again!

Superman has it easy compared to my life. He even made a new friend last issue by the name of Ulysses. Although nobody, even the Daily Planet, knows that name yet. But they'd better learn it soon so they know who to curse when armies of unkillable robot monsters invade our dimension looking for Ulysses.

My guess as to the long hair is because nothing on Earth-4 exists which is sharp enough to cut his sexily strong locks. As to why he doesn't wear a cape, why the fuck is that an important piece of information? For such an angry jerko looking to sell newspapers, he's not very good at finding angles. I guess that's why Lois Lane is worth the paycheck. By the end of this issue, she'll probably have discovered the length of his penis and the flavor of his asshole.

The Daily Planet reporters are awful! They don't even know how many heart attacks J. Jonah Jameson has had!

After the meeting where Perry tells everybody to get out there and find some of the newest news around, Clark Kent drops by to discuss some of the oldest news. But first we learn that Cat Grant is heading back to the Daily Planet. What happened to Clarkcatropolis? Did she run it into the ground already as she realized that entertainment news on the internet can't be successful unless you draw funny things on the picture and make horrible statements about Jennifer Gardner and Ben Affleck's goblin baby? I bet she's kicking herself now for not accepting Morgan Glen Glenmorgan Morgan's thirteen million dollar cash offer! I'm not sure I'd accept a thirteen million dollar cash offer either though. Where the fuck would I put all those bills?!

The thing Clark wanted to speak with Perry about that was supposed to be the subject of the last paragraph until I decided I wanted to talk about Cat Grant a little bit was an article that Perry wrote twenty five years ago about the Ulysses Project. That was a project in 1990 where a bunch of scientists decided that if Warrant's "Cherry Pie" could be a top ten hit, the end of the world must be near. So they buried themselves in a bunker under Omaha and then all subsequently died when a couple of randy scientists monitoring emergency panels began swingin' on the floor and didn't notice all the dials were inching into the red.

Sure, "Cherry Pie" didn't exist over twenty five years ago if we're taking Perry's statement literally. But since the cold war was still going on "over twenty five years ago" (hell, the Berlin Wall was still standing if we take Perry's statement at face value), I figure Perry just has the dates wrong. So I corrected for his faulty memory and figured the article was written after the Cold War which meant "Cherry Pie" had just recently devastated America, giving the scientists a proper reason to remove themselves from civilization.

Perry rats out his source to Clark Kent and spills beans all over his office. The Ulysses Project was started by a government scientist named Margaret Night who ran a bunch of Black Ops projects for the government. But then she couldn't stop hearing "Cherry Pie" everywhere she went and she knew Warrant had bested her at her own game. Warrant had discovered a method of delivering intense pain greater than any method she had ever theorized. So she gave it all up.

See? She was hiding some other reason! That fucking song!

Perry White agrees to help Clark if Clark agrees to help him by helping Clark if Perry helps Clark help him. It's a really convoluted business partnership and no less than five dicks are sucked to seal the deal. After a healthy gargle, Perry and Clark hear a commotion out in the Daily Bugle offices. Ulysses has arrived for an interview with Clark Kent! I wonder how he knows him?!

"You promised me this piece, Kent! Remember, the Pact of the Five Blowies is more sacred than a pinky swear!"

I like the way John Romita Jr draws Lois and, I guess, the other people that aren't as adorable as Lois as well. But he makes one big mistake that I think would really improve his shit if he'd stop doing it: those damn lines on the face, including the lines to show cheekbones and facial structure. They're awful. I'd rather he left the dimensions of the face to the colorist instead of doing the whole Jim Lee/David Finch/Other Jerks That Love To Ruin The Art With Squiggly Lines bullshit. Some of you are probably thinking, "I really like that look, Tess!" And I'd respond, "That's okay! You're entitled to your subjective opinion on the objective fact that those squiggly lines suck platypus rectum."

Clark takes Ulysses back to his apartment where he tells him not to fucking move. He doesn't even show him how to turn on the Xbox Jimmy Olsen left behind when Clark leaves to check out Ulysses' story. He just leaves him to grow bored and begin going through his stuff. Does Superman keep anything important in Clark Kent's apartment? I bet all he has in the place are his clothes and a pile of porn behind the bathroom door.

While Superman explores the old Ulysses project ruins, Ulysses steals some of Clark Kent's clothing so he can blend in when he decides not fucking moving is boring. Although he doesn't do anything to hide his hair which hangs down past his butt. I wonder if he ever gets naked and shoves his hair up his own ass so that he can enjoy the feeling of slowly pulling it out? I bet that would feel awesome.

Anyway, Ulysses runs into some trouble while he's flirting with humans and eating human food and trying to convince himself that he fits in simply because he was born on this planet. The trouble? Plastic army men that have come to life and grown to human size!

I wonder if somebody ordered these from the back of a comic book?

Superman comes back to help Ulysses stop the soldiers that look like they were created by the same asshole that created Titano. But more than that, he has some information about the Ulysses Research Lab that even Perry didn't know. Ulysses' parents managed to seal the leak of radiation from the Second Dimension (which may or may not be Earth 2 if DC wants to be honest about having only 52 universes as opposed to 52 universes each with an infinite amount of dimensions. Why do they even bother trying to keep a tight control on the limits of the DC Universe?) after they shipped their baby to another world. Whoops! Anyway, it all amounts to one great big fucking surprise for Ulysses's parents in a few pages.

Superman takes Ulysses to meet his parents and when they're reunited, Ulysses' dad simply mutters, "Great. We shipped him off into Hippie World."

During the reunion, some weird guy in a robe with a stupid stick looks on and says to himself, "You have to be alone, Clark. For now." What a mystery! I suppose you can't just end a comic book on a touching moment, can you? Gotta have some kind of stupid mystery lingering in the condom.

Superman #33 Rating: +4 Ranking. How long has it been since Superman was in a story where he didn't have to punch the fuck out of everything? Okay, so he smashed two robot soldiers in one panel in this issue. But mostly he just did Clark Kent research crap. It's refreshing to see Superman tackling a problem that doesn't threaten the Omniverse nor does it threaten him physically at every turn. I do suppose that's coming though. Ulysses is as powerful as Superman so you figure Johns won't be able to resist making them fight at least once. I would love to see them never attack each other physically even if they disagree on a number of things. Especially since Ulysses seems to have grown up on a pacifist world!

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