Saturday, July 5, 2014

Aquaman and the Others #4

The Gloved Mist!

Last issue ended with the seeming death of Aquaman! This issue begins with Aquaman looking just fine right there on the cover. I didn't even have to buy the issue to find out if he actually survived! If I were DC, I would have kept him off the cover of Issue #4 and simply called it "The Others." That would have kept fans guessing! I bet even more people would have purchased the comic book too because they'd look at the cover and think, "Cool! Another comic book that doesn't star Aquaman! This should be much better than any book that does star Aquaman!"

This issue is part IV of V. That means there are, what? X issues left?

It must be confusing to learn Roman Numerals and Algebra at the same time. Why am I trying to figure out what X equals?! It's ten!

Now that the Super Bowl is going to stop using Roman Numerals, how are Americans going to learn them?!

Nothing Legend says makes sense. I think that's his super power.

Now that Aquaman has been stabbed but is not yet dead, Legend pulls out the trident and stands around while Sayeh and Aaron put pressure on his wound and try to keep him alive. They're not even worried about the big guy in weird armor that just tried to kill Aquaman who is standing behind them calmly now. I guess since Sayeh didn't have a vision of Legend killing either of them, they have nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, Legend just wants Ya'wara to appear to save Aquaman with her Globe of Transportation so he can steal it from her. Sorry, so he can reclaim that which was once his.

Too bad for Legend, Ya'wara is busy running errands for Vostok-10 and Kahina in the Land of the Dead.

"While we're waiting for the last couple of relics to appear, let me tell you my secret weakness!"

Is it better for a comic book to have the bad guy explain how he can be defeated so that the good guys can defeat him, or would it be better to have the good guys defeat him and afterward have one of them explain how they deduced he could be defeated? I wish more Sherlock Holmes stories had the culprit bragging to Sherlock about how they did it so that Sherlock can catch them and then everybody would be all, "How'd you crack the case, Mr. Holmes?!" And he'd be all, "Elocutionary, dear Watson. Elocutionary." Or whatever.

The stories of Sherlock Holmes were written to be pure homoerotica, right? Was I reading them correctly?

Legend tells even more of his story to ensure that defeating him is easy. The magic is wearing down in his suit of armor and he'll be dead soon if he doesn't forge a new suit of armor out of the Relics' gold. Then he'll be immortal! And ostentatious!

Quit whining! He's only half dead! Take off his pants and get busy. But you probably need to hurry or it's going to get really weird.

While Ya'wara fucks around in the Land of the Dead, iSpy, Sky, and G.I. P.O.W. (GI POW! The lamest American hero!) arrive to save Aquaman's life! While The Others distract Legend and his greatest grandson, GI POW goes to work on saving Aquaman's life.

"Don't worry! I'm not a medic but my imaginary friend is!"

Apparently Smitty the Imaginary Medic advises GI POW to sew up the holes in Aquaman's stomach without worrying about patching up any of his internal organs. I guess the chainmail kept anything serious from being punctured. But if that were the case, why is Aquaman bleeding out from a few holes in his tum-tum?

Ya'wara finally returns from the Land of the Dead. She probably arrived near the other Relics since Legend's greatest granddaughter took them to melt them down. When Ya'wara arrives, she's beset upon by Russian robots that probably wanted to call her a trespasser but the Russian word was too big so they just went with calling her a "violator" or a "breaker" or something. Who knows? I don't speak robot Russian!

Actually, Ya'wara is on the moon in Vostok-Ten's old moon base. I think he took over Eclipso's old haunt once Eclipso realized that the Dark Side of the Moon didn't mean what he thought it meant. She explores for a bit until she discovers the person on the cover.

Except this person doesn't have gloves. And Aquaman isn't here. So maybe this isn't the new teammate seen on the cover! Although this is the last page of the comic book. Comic books are confusing!

At least now we know the "X" in Vostok-X actually was a Roman Numeral! Meet Vostok-II! I mean, Vostok-IX! Or is it Vostok-MM? Fuck it! I'm just calling this guy Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Vostok! Or just Son of Vostok, for sanity's sake.

Aquaman and the Others #4 Rating: No change. I did enjoy this issue more than any of the others! I don't know why though. I think reviewers are supposed to know why something is good or bad or better or worse. But it's possible that this issue was no better than any of the others and I was just in a better mood! Now that's an honest review!

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