Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Worlds' Finest #25

Do I have to think up stupid nicknames for The Huntress and Power Girl now? How about "Super Cousin" and "The Other One. You Know, The Brunette. The One That Was Scowling All Night In The Corner." Maybe I'll work on those.

People don't really like to read anymore unless you number the paragraphs and start out with a headline that assures people that they will be done reading in just a few easy steps. So I'm going to just start writing my own Cracked articles but not submit them to Cracked because I hate that fucking site. Why don't they just write funny lists about advertisements or lists of links to other articles about advertisements? Not that I'm above making money! If I knew what the fuck I was doing, you'd be reading a pop-up ad right now instead of my stupid bullshit! Anyway, here's my Cracked Article that doesn't appear on Cracked!

Top Five Literary Sequels If The Author Used Current Sequel Naming Conventions!

Before I get to Number Five (you do these lists backwards, right? If not, just renumber them the way you'd like them to be renumbered. But in your head! Don't try to hack my site and change the source code, asshole!), let me just say that the title could probably use some improvement. But from what I understand about Cracked, the article writers don't get to name their articles anyway (unless they come up with an exciting and clever way of introducing their list which makes sure readers know they're reading a relatively short list that will be split across at least two pages of ads)! I think they have Article Naming Monkeys that know the exact formulas for Link Baiting. I don't have access to a deep reservoir of business geniuses, so I just had to come up with my own title. You shouldn't have been expecting much if you'd read my new nickname for The Huntress.

5. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
After the legend of Bromden's successful escape attempt at Wacky Acres Loony Bin for People Society Can't Stand to Look At or Listen To Anymore, two new inmates decide to attempt an escape of their own! Wacky hijinks ensue as Nurse Ratched doesn't just lose her top this time because naughty bits really need to escalate in the sequel! The entire book is narrated by lobotomized McMurphy in an artistic tour de force of style by, possibly, a thoroughly inebriated Ken Kesey! Did you ever see his play about the environment starring the characters from The Wizard of Oz? What the fuck was that mess?!

4. Bitter Friday by John Steinbeck
So you couldn't get enough stories about Doc living down on Cannery Row, hunh?! Well here's one more! This time, Doc wakes up one Friday afternoon from a blackout induced by too many beer milkshakes the night before. What did Doc get up to the previous night? Who did he offend? How many stories can this setting really bear? Some might say not this many! Learn the mystery of the otter wearing the women's undergarments! Marvel at the amount of times Steinbeck tries to describe the smell of the ocean! Try to figure out the five levels of subtext that he's jammed into the story of an old man with pissy britches!

3. Houses of Leaves By Mark Z. Danielewski
If you thought the book with just one house was confusing, try a book about a whole suburban development full of crazy houses! Just trying to figure out how to read the book is a mystery since it's published on six interlocking Möbius strips with text that can be read backwards and forwards with no perceptible starting point! White font on barely off-white paper will have you not only wondering what the hell is going on in this book but if there is even a book to fucking read! Art for art's sake has never been so artsy!

2. Catch-23 by Joseph Heller
Fuck yeah, I know Catch-22 already had a sequel! But it should have been named this! And it should have been different because it was less of a one trick pony than Heller's one trick pony, Something Happened! If he had titled the sequel Catch-23 instead of Closing Time, then at least people might have realized it was a fucking sequel! I'd have more to say about this if I could remember anything more about Closing Time other then it was about hard water or something.

1. Dante's Infer-YES! By Dante
Don't get all uppity with me! I know it was actually called Commedia! But nobody ever reads anything but Inferno in The Divine Comedy anyway! It's like all you readers want to do is argue! Just fucking read my shit and get over yourself, okay? Anyway, the sequel to Dante's Inferno, Dante's Infer-YES! is about the protagonist (Dante? Was it Dante? When did I last read this shit?! How long ago was college? How many mushrooms was I on?) returning to Hell with a van full of kegs and weed! It's PARTY TIME, BITCHES! Get your head out of that barrel of shit and drink up, fuckers! Thaw out Satan and tell him to spit out Judas so he can shove some jello shots down his damnation hole! And don't anybody mention this rager to the suicides because we're trying to get our happy on down here and don't need any of their depressing bullshit killing our unrighteous buzzes! FUCK YEAH DUDES!

So that's the end of my Cracked Article that nobody will ever read because it's actually titled "Worlds' Finest #25" and that will only interest people that want to see scanned pictures of Power Girl's boobs.

Oh yeah! That's the stuff!

Mmm-hmm! Here's more of the stuff!

And the stuff just keeps on coming!

Holy shit! Cupcake tonguing?! Now I'm coming!

There were more pictures but suddenly I'm not so interested for some reason.

Power Girl and The Huntress are preparing to head home by doing things like giving their money to their former assistant's daughter and pouting about how they're not invulnerable and will probably die quickly back on Earth-2. Well, they're not both doing those things. One is doing one and the other is doing the other one. And while they walk around the park on their last day on New Earth, they both have the same sized breasts for some reason. I mean, Desaad is also planning on going back to Earth-2 with them.

Back at the lab, Gerhard and Spears prepare the equipment to send Karen and Helena (and Desaad) home.

I guess, technically, stealing technological secrets from Michael Holt doesn't discount her "self-made" status.

Finally, there's a big battle where Power Girl knocks Desaad into the ceiling and then she and The Huntress walk through the portal back home. Seems a bit irresponsible to leave all of her money to Tanya Spears and then to also leave Desaad in the lab with her. Seems like a waste of lawyer fees. Anyway, Desaad would rather go through the portal than stay behind and possess Tanya Spears. But if he can't make it through the portal, I'm sure Tanya will pay the price.

Worlds' Finest #25 Rating: No change. I really thought this would be the last issue with Power Girl and The Huntress but it looks like we need an issue where they get acclimated to life back in the war zone that is everywhere on Earth-2. I've got to say that I really liked the art team of Tyler Kirkham and Joe Weems/Art Thibert. I can't tell which inker I liked more because they weren't credited for specific pages even though you could see the look of the book did take on a different look in a few places, most noticeably in the lab. Although the cover is a pisser for fans of Earth-2 that were expecting part of the story, at least, to take place on Earth-2. I guess the covers got ahead of the story a bit. Anyway, I've really enjoyed most of the run of this comic book with Karen Starr and Helena Wayne. I've read that the next pairing will be Earth-2 Superman and Batman (not Replacement Batman and Val-el but the originals). That's really not very exciting since we already have enough Superman and Batman books, even if these are technically different characters than the guys in the other books. Hopefully the World's Finest pairings will change a lot more often now that they're establishing that the series won't revolve around just the besties from Earth-2.

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