Okay, okay! I get the joke already! The name of this comic book is fucking long! In number of letters and the profound size of the adjectives.
The first time I ever had a comic book professional react to my blog was when I savaged Marcus To for his cover of Batwing #12. Granted, my exceptional way of pointing out flaws as if I were about to bust a vein in my head and fall over dead of an embolism probably shocked him when he first read it. Although by the time we'd exchanged a few notes, I noticed he had mentioned how he did find that kind of anger funny. Which, of course, is the point of my hyperbole! Anyway, I was just reading Gail Simone's new tumblr, The Comics Survival Kit in which she has a quote from Molly Mahan (editor of Red Sonja) about what she looks for in artist's portfolios:
Two things that matter most to me when it comes to evaluating a new artist are: 1. Did she draw hands and feet consistently throughout her sample pages or did she find “clever” ways to keep them out? And 2. Did she leave room for balloons and captions?
The former is something even the most praised sequential artists can be found guilty of doing. When I was a young fan, I used to count how many pages—not panels—it would take to see a decent shot of a foot or a non-clenched hand in the books I picked up, and often counted the hand/foot to character ratio on a splash.
This reminded me of the time I left Marcus To's cover beaten and bloody in a back alley because this was my first complaint with it:
Look at it! LOOK! I’m pretty sure it’s half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing’s left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand).
Apparently I sometimes know what I'm talking about! Of course, Marcus To's fans all told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and politely wished to see how well I could draw, and told me all kinds of things I could stick in my rectum. But that's okay because it was all very entertaining! And why else am I doing this blog if not to thoroughly entertain myself?
I also THOUGHT about DISCUSSING Scott Lobdell's writing advice but I THINK it SPEAKS for ITSELF.
Okay, I'm back from work! I probably shouldn't even mention these moments when I'm interrupted by something else because while reading this, you don't experience time the same way I'm experiencing time while writing it. Why is that? Time is weird! Somebody should write a book about time.
The issue begins with Dreamer having a sex dream about Darkseid. The main problem with this is that her dreams become reality.
The subsidiary problem is that his cock is way too big for any of her orifices.
For you younger readers, Melrose Place was a television show that was basically a fictionalized version of Big Brother without the opportunity to win $500,000. Also, the characters were more likable.
Beautiful Dreamer explains her dream because she thinks it might be important. Well, I'd say it should! Darkseid was in it!
I think Vykin might be fornicating Mother Box right now!
Anyway, the Forever People BOOM TUBE to Africa where they find themselves in the next Children of the Corn movie.
Due to Angolan Child Labor Laws, Malachi had to recruit Mantis Men and let the children go.
The following battle is a primer for the powers of the Forever People. Vykin controls his density. Moonrider has the megaton touch but once he blows his load, he's useless. Serafina's power is the Bio-burst which isn't as disgusting as it sounds. It allows her to blind and confuse opponents. And Big Bear, having been born on Apokolips, simply murders the fuck out of mantis-people. And if they all touch Mother Box and sing her the Taaru song, they can all transform into Infinity Man! Except we're probably not supposed to know that yet! Except some of us cheated and read the original run of Infinity Man and the Forever People, or saw them on Young Justice, or read their entry in the Who's Who, or read some other incarnation of them. I doubt there's anybody left reading this that doesn't know what's going to happen, and it better be soon! Nobody's hanging on until the third issue to get a glimpse of Infinity Man!
And just as Preying Mantis (with an "E"!) attacks (unless it's Praying Mantis with an "A" but that's just stupid), Mother Box cajoles the Forever People to touch her lightly and sing, "Taaru!"
I don't know. For a guy named Infinity Man, he's a bit underwhelming.