Monday, July 14, 2014

Infinity Man and the Forever People #2

Okay, okay! I get the joke already! The name of this comic book is fucking long! In number of letters and the profound size of the adjectives.

I only have a short amount of time before I have to get ready for work, so I'll save reading Infinity Man and the Forever People for later tonight. But I did want to share a little something about comic book criticism that made me smile.

The first time I ever had a comic book professional react to my blog was when I savaged Marcus To for his cover of Batwing #12. Granted, my exceptional way of pointing out flaws as if I were about to bust a vein in my head and fall over dead of an embolism probably shocked him when he first read it. Although by the time we'd exchanged a few notes, I noticed he had mentioned how he did find that kind of anger funny. Which, of course, is the point of my hyperbole! Anyway, I was just reading Gail Simone's new tumblr, The Comics Survival Kit in which she has a quote from Molly Mahan (editor of Red Sonja) about what she looks for in artist's portfolios:

Two things that matter most to me when it comes to evaluating a new artist are: 1. Did she draw hands and feet consistently throughout her sample pages or did she find “clever” ways to keep them out? And 2. Did she leave room for balloons and captions?

The former is something even the most praised sequential artists can be found guilty of doing. When I was a young fan, I used to count how many pages—not panels—it would take to see a decent shot of a foot or a non-clenched hand in the books I picked up, and often counted the hand/foot to character ratio on a splash.

This reminded me of the time I left Marcus To's cover beaten and bloody in a back alley because this was my first complaint with it:

Look at it! LOOK! I’m pretty sure it’s half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing’s left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand).

Apparently I sometimes know what I'm talking about! Of course, Marcus To's fans all told me I didn't know what I was talking about, and politely wished to see how well I could draw, and told me all kinds of things I could stick in my rectum. But that's okay because it was all very entertaining! And why else am I doing this blog if not to thoroughly entertain myself?

I also THOUGHT about DISCUSSING Scott Lobdell's writing advice but I THINK it SPEAKS for ITSELF.

Okay, I'm back from work! I probably shouldn't even mention these moments when I'm interrupted by something else because while reading this, you don't experience time the same way I'm experiencing time while writing it. Why is that? Time is weird! Somebody should write a book about time.

The issue begins with Dreamer having a sex dream about Darkseid. The main problem with this is that her dreams become reality.

The subsidiary problem is that his cock is way too big for any of her orifices.

Darkseid disappears when Dreamer wakes up and Moonrider holds and comforts her. That's when Vykin barges in to accuse Moonrider of trying to molest Dreamer so Moonrider accuses Vykin of fucking Mother Box. Is that the go to accusation on New Genesis? Are people constantly accusing other people of fornicating all over everything? I suppose where there's smoke there's smokers! I bet Big Bear's beach front property is about to go all Melrose Place on us!

For you younger readers, Melrose Place was a television show that was basically a fictionalized version of Big Brother without the opportunity to win $500,000. Also, the characters were more likable.

Beautiful Dreamer explains her dream because she thinks it might be important. Well, I'd say it should! Darkseid was in it!

I think Vykin might be fornicating Mother Box right now!

Big Bear is busy not fornicating with Kirby the Computer at all. Not even close. Why would you even think that? After not having any fornication at all, Big Bear reveals to the Forever People (I think I'll just refer to them as the Forever People or that one Forever Person or the other Forever Person because they have too many names I'll never remember (actually I just can't remember Vykin's sister's name! Serifen the Cowgirl or something) that they're on Earth to help out the poor, downtrodden, stupid humans. They're not the first class either. A previous class created some farm called Feast of Eden in the Sahara Desert because that doesn't seem inappropriate at all. And I don't mean because they have a farm with the word "feast" in it nearby some countries with fairly hungry people. I'd know exactly how far if I knew the geography of Africa better. And I'd know the geography of Africa better if my elementary school or high school or college or my own personal interests had not skewed so far into white people history. Sure, I learned a bit about Africa! Mostly that part where the Romans visited and the other parts where the Dutch "visited" and maybe a few French thought a nice, long "visit" would be fun which caused the English to set up some permanent "vacation homes." But even then, I couldn't ever remember where any of the countries were! Sure, maybe Liberia because I did learn a lot about their pre-20th century export business. And Equitorial New Guinea because it practically has its location right in the name! And Egypt, of course, because everybody knows about Egypt! That's where the Mummy came from. And South Africa because, once again, the location is right there in the name! And well, Madagascar because it's an island and it was always right there hanging out next to Africa on all the maps I looked at when I became fascinated by the history of the discovery of a Coelacanth. And I know where the Democratic Republic of the Congo is because of Batwing. I guess I also know where Algeria and Libya are due to Rommel's road trips back in World War II, and maybe a little bit from watching travel shows on PBS. I suppose I can find Ethiopia as well because of all the rock concerts put together to feed the starving Ethiopians back in the eighties. I might be able to locate some others if I were reminded they existed! I mean, I've been meaning to learn the name and location of every country in Africa so that I would seem like a really good white person! It's just I've been so busy watching reruns of Friends and Seinfeld and playing Frisbee Golf. You know how it is!

Anyway, the Forever People BOOM TUBE to Africa where they find themselves in the next Children of the Corn movie.

Due to Angolan Child Labor Laws, Malachi had to recruit Mantis Men and let the children go.

Since Keith Giffen is co-writing, get ready to see the "Vykin slept with Mother Box" joke a few dozen more times.

The following battle is a primer for the powers of the Forever People. Vykin controls his density. Moonrider has the megaton touch but once he blows his load, he's useless. Serafina's power is the Bio-burst which isn't as disgusting as it sounds. It allows her to blind and confuse opponents. And Big Bear, having been born on Apokolips, simply murders the fuck out of mantis-people. And if they all touch Mother Box and sing her the Taaru song, they can all transform into Infinity Man! Except we're probably not supposed to know that yet! Except some of us cheated and read the original run of Infinity Man and the Forever People, or saw them on Young Justice, or read their entry in the Who's Who, or read some other incarnation of them. I doubt there's anybody left reading this that doesn't know what's going to happen, and it better be soon! Nobody's hanging on until the third issue to get a glimpse of Infinity Man!

And just as Preying Mantis (with an "E"!) attacks (unless it's Praying Mantis with an "A" but that's just stupid), Mother Box cajoles the Forever People to touch her lightly and sing, "Taaru!"

I don't know. For a guy named Infinity Man, he's a bit underwhelming.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #2 Rating: No change. I don't think Keith Giffen made the same joke enough times. I've come to expect a certain level of writing with Keith Giffen, and if I don't get one joke repeated five times in the same comic, I don't feel like I've gotten my money's worth. I think the "sex with Mother Box" joke might have happened three times. That's decent but I know he can do better. Perhaps Dan DiDio is simply holding him back. Dan, you can't stop the Giffenmeister! You've got to let him roll out that same joke page after page! It just isn't a Keith Giffen book unless I find myself rolling my eyes and making gestures as if I were masturbating! I expect better next month! Maybe G'nort can appear and tell everybody to stop calling him Gnat. That's always a winner!

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