Sunday, July 6, 2014

Earth 2 #25

Is this one of those find all the differences pictures? Did I accidentally pick up a Highlights for Children?

Why isn't there a comic book out there about me? What's with the lack of representation of me in comic books? I'm getting sick and tired of reading comic book after comic book that doesn't have me as a character. It's bullshit. Stop erasing me! I'm a real life person and human being! I should be represented!

The Duke of Oil from the old Outsiders comic book was almost an exact duplicate of me but then he turned out to be a robot and I'm not a robot. Or at least I'm programmed to think that I'm not a robot. I could be a computer since I don't have a decent method of coming up with random numbers without using some dice or something. I wonder how I can know for certain? Where does one go to take the Voigt-Kampff test?

Currently, Queen Lantern and Hawkcop are busy trying to rescue The Streak starring Jay Gimmick.

If anybody wonders why I call Alan Scott, Queen Lantern, it's because of this. He looks like Flash Gordon from the movie with the Queen soundtrack in nearly every shot, including winged people! Also he's gay and I'm an insensitive bastard.

Val-el over on Amazonia is busy filling in Know-it-all Olsen on his relationship to the previous Superman. It might be a bit confusing how he's related to Supes since he wears the symbol of the House of El and because I keep calling him Val-el when his name is actually Val-zod. It seems that in Earth 2's universe, Zod was a pacifist and a speaker of the truth, especially truths that sometimes get people in trouble with their government so that they wind up in The Phantom Zone. It's a good thing the United States doesn't have a Phantom Zone! It would probably be run by Haliburton. Privatize that shit and you'd make money hand over dick since it can never be filled to capacity! Maybe you can fill it so full that people have to stand inside other people but since everybody is a phantom, that's not a problem.

What?! A mystery Superperson! Maybe it's Beppo! Also, note that in Universe 2, Jor-el's brother was an even shittier scientist than in New Universe. He didn't even save Kara himself in this one!

Queen Lantern and Hawkcop get some help saving The Streak starring Jay Gimmick from Aquawoman and a bunch of Great White Sharks. How come Aquaman never rides Great White Sharks around like the Atlanteans of Earth 2? That's a missed opportunity! Riding Sea Horses around is just a sorry copy of how land dwellers get around! Anyway, they take care of the Parademons while The Streak starring Jay Gimmick goes out on a date with Beguiler.

Jay usually takes things slow on the first date. He usually saves groping at his date's breasts for the second date.

Beguiler disappears and Jay believes he pushed her into infinity because he was a really fucking crappy college student.

Back in Smallville, Flip the Fuck Out Superman points out to his father that he's a useless old man and will be first against the wall when Darkseid arrives so how about buttoning the smart mouth and come have dinner with his girlfriend Tornado Lane. Pa decides to sit down to dinner but he never agrees to buttoning his sassy lips.

Uh oh! It's the cornfield for Pa for sure!

Flip the Fuck Out Superman Omega Beams the fuck out of Pa who disintegrates. I suppose that's one way to get him into the cornfield since he's probably a decent fertilizer now. Ma is embarrassed by her son's behavior and Lois decides that Clark isn't the same man she married. Flip the Fuck Out Superman weeps and cries that he loves Lois in just that special way that abusers go on and on about when they realize they might have crossed the line and are about to lose the person they beat on! But before he can pretend to make it better, he's called off to help out Bedlam, Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Terry Sloan with their Boom Tube: Earth Project.

Boom Tube: Earth is fired up and now there is ONE LAST CHANCE to save the Earth before it's sucked over to take the place of Apokolips in whatever dimension that planet is in. The team split up to save the world with Hawkcop, Replacement Batman, and the World Army heading to CERN to defeat Bedlam and shut off Boom Tube: Earth. Queen Lantern heads out to space to hold the Earth in place. And Val-El goes toe to toe with Flip the Fuck Out Superman.

I don't know why there were two Batmans on the cover.

Earth 2 #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. How many times in DC's history has Superman killed Pa Kent? Can't be a large number, right? Did Heroclix ever release a Pa Kent figure because I'd like to stage this battle myself and see if it could have gone better for Pa. All in all, this title continues to keep me entertained and interested. I like my comic books off the rails like this! Continuity is for jerks!

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