All Star Western #33

"Painting the town dead" is a play on the phrase "Painting the town for the low, low cost of $100."

I've generally stayed away from reblogging non-comic book related things on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. And I'll mostly keep it that way on the Blogspot version. But I figure it's time to embrace the tumblr part of tessatechaitea.tumblr.com! I constantly see blog posts that I think are fucking idiotic and simple-minded and I choose not to respond. But I've held my piece for too long! Unless the phrase is "held my peace!" But I think it's "held my piece" as in "holstering my gun" meaning that I have refused to shoot idiots in the face for far too long now. It's time to go to war because I've stopped holding my peace! Draw, motherfuckers!

I think I might be letting Jonah Hex get to my head a little bit. Whenever I watch or read a Western, I immediately want to go out and find somebody that I can pretend is breaking the law just so I can bring them to imaginary justice. Mostly I just hide behind a wall and say, "Stop, ya varmint!" Then I run away as fast as I can while high-fiving myself for a job well done. But it's time to step up my game! Next time I see some punk doing something that, if I squint just right, I can imagine is horrendous, I'll yell, "Reap the whirlwind, misfit!" And then I won't run away at all! I'll just glare at them as they point at themselves, then look over their shoulder to see if I might be talking about somebody else, then look back at me confused, shrug, and walk away. Justice!

This issue begins with Tallulah and Jonah tied up and captured by brigands! Unless they're bandits. Maybe they're just thoroughly despicable rakes. Anyway, I think Jonah might actually die in this story! It would be okay if he did, seeing as how he is a stranger in a strange time and there's an alternate (perhaps more real?) version of himself already living in this Old West. It would be quite the exciting way for All Star Western to end! I'm a huge fan of stories where the main character is killed in the end. That's why I like the New Testament so much.

I wish Quentin Tarantino would make a version of The Greatest Story Ever Told. Except where would he fit in the word "nigger"?

After this is cancelled, DC will eventually put out another Western title, perhaps Weird Western Tales. And hopefully that one will showcase Tallulah as the main character. Or Jenny Freedom!

Last issue, Merle the brigandit chief promised Jonah and Tallulah that today would be their last day. I pointed out that that would be a hard promise to keep. And I think it really will be now that this idiot and his men have untied Jonah and Tallulah and pulled them out from underneath their horses. I guess he doesn't want his gang members gossiping back in town that he killed a couple of helpless people like a great yellow coward.

Getting back to this idea about Tarantino directing a film about the Bible, I'm already seeing a scene where Moses comes down off the mountain with his huge stone tablets to find his people worshiping a big tittied cow idol. "Motherfuckers!" he mutters as he descends howling, one stone tablet over his head. He enters the camp and begins bashing in the skulls of the idolators with the stone tablet, blood and gore flying everywhere as he's screaming like a madman. One slow motion shot shows the tablet descending to explode the head of a mother with her child sucking at her tit, the engraving on the tablet plainly reading as it whizzes by, "Thous Shalt Not Kill."

Later, Moses never makes it to the Promised Land because God is tired of his filthy mouth. Instead, Moses is kidnapped by a Babylonian who imprisons him in a dungeon with some guy dressed all in leather with a strange marking on his forehead. He approaches him ominously as Moses is hogtied and bent over an altar with his robe pulled up to reveal his naked ass. "Shouldn't've shown your face this side of Eden, pops. I am going to make you squeal like a filthy animal." A terrified look comes across Moses's face as the camera shoots up through the ground and into the sky, pans across the landscape, and descends on Moses's people as they're entering the Promised Land. They pause and look up quizzically as just the hint of a tortured scream, somewhat like the squeal of a pig, descends upon them.

I think I should write up this screenplay and send it to somebody! It's a winner!

Anyway, back to All Star Western, Jonah Hex winds up blowing holes in all the outlaws because that's what always happens.

Amen, Jonah! And those men what don't understand women? They wind up dead!

Jonah and Tallulah head back to the town that stole their bounty only to find that the town got a little of the old tit for tat. Or something. What I'm trying to say in a way that isn't just coming right out and say it is that somebody stole the bounty from them as well. It was a gang of masked men which means one of them was probably Alterna-Jonah Hex.

And if one of them was, he's dead now because Jonah and Tallulah and a little boy killed them all.

The little boy takes a mortal wound but lasts long enough to tell Jonah a sob story about the town needing the bounty money for medicine. So Jonah decides to do the right thing. He heads off to collect the bounty while Tallulah remains behind to comfort the boy as he dies.

Jonah and Tallulah return to the town to find they're too late to save any but one old woman with the medicine. They head off into the mountains to try to get a few days rest before heading back out on the bounty trail. And then the next month blurb states, "The Death of Jonah Hex!" Well, I'd expect no less. It's just a matter of which one dies though, isn't it?

All Star Western #33 Rating: No change. I love westerns and All Star Western does western well. There's gun fights and mouth fights and fist fights and fuck fights and all sorts of fights you'd expect on the edges of civilization! And there are two characters that take control of their destinies and destiny the control of their...shit. I kind of got tangled up in my review words. Fuck it. I suck at the actual reviewing part of the comic book reviews. I'm much better at picturing Jesus Christ on the cross about to be stabbed in the side by a spear. But then he pulls his feet free from the crucifix, a nail still in each foot, and strangles the Roman with his legs, securing his grip by piercing the Roman's chest with his feet nails. As the Roman dies, he drops the spear which Jesus kicks up with his foot to catch in his teeth. He then uses it to slice through his wrist and free his left hand. Then he swings around and uses his weight to pull his other hand free, nail still embedded in his wrist. He does a flip and lands, balanced, on the top of the crucifix as the Romans charge and the other crucified thieves cheer him on! He takes out the first Roman with a well-placed toss of his crown of thorns and the Roman's head goes flying as Jesus flying kicks into the throng, kicking and punching and blasting holes in the Roman's with the nails still embedded in his hand and feet! The bloody, gory scene lasts for about twenty minutes until Jesus is standing on a pile of dead Romans and the Jews surrounding him are cheering and chanting, "King of the Jews! King of the Jews!" The credits begin to roll and the scene fades out until all the actors' names have passed by. Then Jesus reappears standing above a crowd with a giant cross in one hand as he screams, "Today, we march on Rome!" Then the scene fades out again and stark white writing appears that says, "The Greatest Story Ever Told II: Baptism of Blood."

I'd like to thank Doom Bunny for co-writing the Modern Bible Story bits!