Thursday, July 3, 2014

All Star Western #32

Last issue's cover incorrectly portrayed Jonah with his old scars. This cover incorrectly portrays Tallulah as having no scars. That must be what idiots refer to as "equal time."

You know how people say you can't really change anybody's mind through discussion and rational debate? People generally need some kind of emotional connection to get them to reconsider some long-held belief before they even begin to possibly start to maybe rethink their position. The most you can usually hope to do is plant a seed in the other person's mind and hope they don't uproot it immediately and piss all over it to make sure it's dead. But I have a sure fire way of getting people to instantly question their own beliefs! It might take a little effort but isn't it worth it to stop your sibling from believing some stupid shit that you totally don't believe and think that everybody else should believe as well?

Here's what you do! The person whose mind you want to change probably severely dislikes certain types of people. Maybe they hate liberals or dirty hippies or business men in three piece suits or Jews. You'll want to hire a few people belonging to the group that your antagonist hates and make sure they'll be at a table in a cafe or restaurant that you and your antagonist can sit next to. Then you have them loudly discuss the subject that you and your antagonist have been discussing. Make sure you've paid your actors enough so they don't fuck it all up though! So the actors should be speaking in general terms without defending either side of the argument. Your antagonist will probably assume they're going to be on your side of the argument and roll his eyes and maybe make jerk-off motions as he eavesdrops. That's when your actors should start vehemently supporting his side! They should be rabid in their support of the subject! They should make claims that your antagonist has made but with even more passion and certainty! Then the actors should just quiet down and change the subject or just get the fuck out or whatever. Then you don't even mention it. Don't continue talking about the subject. Just ignore it. If your antagonist wants to bring it up, just hand wave the suggestion away and begin looking at the menu. You've now got your antagonist wondering why the fuck he agrees with the dirtbags that just left! He'll question and explore his reasons for believing what he believes because it's too horrible to think that they think the same way that he does! The next time your antagonist brings up the discussion, play a little middle of the road. Ease your antagonist along slowly. Maybe touch your antagonist's hand lightly and say, "It's a complicated matter." If eventually your antagonist continues to believe the same thing your antagonist has always believed, you should just stab your antagonist in the throat and be done with the matter.

Meanwhile in the Old West, Jonah Hex has been busy catching hoodlums to pay for his big bounty hunting expedition where he hunts down himself.

Ten thousand?! Just retire and forget about evil Jonah Hex!

Well, Jonah doesn't have the ten thousand yet and it doesn't look like he's going to get it any time soon since the entire town owns guns and the entire town wants to shoot some strangers. Did they miss the sign with the name of the town on it on the way in? I bet it read:

Population: None of your Gotdamn Business.

Luckily for Hex and Black, the town doesn't actually want to shoot anybody. They just want to take Blackthorne's ten thousand dollar bounty for themselves.

Unluckily for the townsfolk, they don't actually want to shoot anybody.

When Jonah and Tallulah wake up tied to their horses miles outside of town, Tallulah feels it's a perfect time to tell a story about a lucky shotgun. Hell, she's not wrong! Any time is right for a story about a lucky shotgun!

I'd repeat the story here but it's not the right time for it.

A preacher and his wife happen upon Jonah and Tallulah and quite aptly fail to untie them. They do give them a bit of Biblical advice which I'm sure is the next best thing to being rescued.

That preacher is going to do well for himself out west. He's just the right amounts of cautious and ornery.

Actually the preacher doesn't do as well as I thought since come morning, Jonah and Tallulah's horses bring them upon the preacher and his wife getting the crap kicked out of them by some thugs. Maybe he had too much ornery and not enough cautiousness! And since Jonah and Tallulah don't really have a say in the amount of cautiousness they can currently employ, they ride up on the thugs and quickly have their horses shot out from under them. Fucking dicks. I bet that was Tallulah's lucky horse!

That's going to be a hard promise to keep, sir!

All Star Western #32 Rating: No change. I thoroughly enjoy this book just about every month and would make it the #1 ranked comic book if I could! But I can't because the math behind the rankings can't just be fudged for one book without completely collapsing the underlying equation that keeps the rest of the New 52 sorted! So just understand while this might not be the best book of The New 52, it is definitely my current favorite. It wins the Tess's Pick Award for Outstanding Amorality and Shoot Em Up Bang Bang Times!

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