Green Lantern Corps #33

Somebody at DC misspelled "death"!

The way the last "In the post-penultimate issue of Uprising, tragedy is a word that isn't harsh enough for what happens!" teaser box implied sadness and disaster, I suspected that Fatality would die so that a spot could open up in the Star Sapphire Bowling Team. And guess who's good at bowling?! PB Anj with the crusts cut off! But when I give it any thought, I have to believe that I would have heard about Fatality's death long before now. She's a woman of color, so Tumblr should have been lit up like my uncle on Christmas Eve. Unless only "lit" means drunk like a motherpooper and "lit up" is just nonsense when applied to my overly touchy, drunk uncle. Druncle?

Besides, the real conversations about comic books take place three to four months before a comic book is ever released. Why are comic book readers so passionate about the solicits but then when the actual comic book which provoked such heated conversations finally hits the shelves, nobody ever talks about it? No wonder DC doesn't give a shit about what fans think. They obviously just read DC's solicits which are free and never actually buy any of the comic books! It's a whole lot of discussion over a ghost's fart.

You know, something might be wrong with my metaphor generator this morning. I don't think I've ever had any discussion ever about ghost's farts? Of course, I don't have any discussions about solicits either, so maybe I meant exactly what I said about ghosts and their disgusting farting. Why did the ghosts always seem to come on road trips with my family instead of remaining in the house they loved to haunt so much?

What was I talking about? Oh yeah! I know I don't seek out spoilers for future events in the DC Universe but I have to believe that the death of Fatality would have somehow reached me. Especially with that PB Anj obsessed mrwyx constantly asking me speculative questions on the daily habits of Prixiams and Star Sapphires.

Shouldn't somebody clean up those corpses? Can't Durlans shape-shift into corpses?! Or maybe they've husked and have shifted into Sand Fleas!

Too bad John didn't get the memo that this crossover was six issues long and the sixth issue was just now beginning! He probably would have finished burning the Durlan corpses instead of taking Fatality by the hand so he could fuck her on the beach as Mogo watched from orbit and little Zezzen children lapped at their feet in the energy tide.

Also, that creepy living planet won't stop staring.

I suppose Fatality isn't concerned with Mogo watching since she and John have already fucked on Mogo's face multiple times. It's been so often, I have to think that John, Yrra, and Mogo are in a polywoggly relationship.

One of the Zezzite children washes up on shore to learn how the humans procreate. Does the friction of the male genitalia rubbing frantically against the inner walls of the female genitalia create a spark which becomes a new being? Sorry for my younger readers for getting so graphic about human sexuality! Not because I don't think knowledge about procreation is inappropriate for human beings of any age! I just don't want them to know anything that they're not really ready to know. The problem with understanding how nice it is to not know something is that you don't know how nice it was until you know the thing that was making you happy and innocent by not knowing it.

Sometimes I think my sentences come out of me like an Escher print.

Anyway, about that Zezzite kid that was curious about human lovemaking?

Take that, you curious little bitch!

Once Fatality eats a child, John Stewart begins to think something might be wrong. Turns out, he's right! Fatality has been a Durlan all along! Or at least since she was captured by Durlans and John had to save her. So I take back the thing about John and Yrra and Mogo being in a relationship since it was actually John and Mogo and Verrat Din the Durlan.

Verrat Din is no longer a Durlan! Verrat Din has consumed the energy flesh of a child and has now become Verrat Din the Daxamite! Not long now before the entire universe learns about the Daxamite allergy to lead!

The Love Ring (I'm not talking about anybody's anal sphincter) realizes it's made a mistake and leaves Verrat Din to try to find Yrra. It only gets about an inch away before Verrat Din crushes it with her Daxamite strength. John's main concern (before the ring says something about Yrra and John realizes she's still alive) is that he slept with a Durlan.

So, does John add her to his list of people he's slept with? It's not like fucking a Durlan that replicated Yrra exactly was any different than fucking Yrra. Even the ring was fooled and the ring is a way better judge of character than John Stewart. I suppose it depends what kind of a list John keeps. Does he keep a list to remember all of the beautiful, intimate moments he's shared with others across his life? Or does he have a list simply to brag about the variety of experiences he's had with different partners? Hmm, I think Verrat Din would still have to make both of those lists.

I also suppose this was technically rape although John probably won't give it a second thought. Although Yrra might! "You couldn't tell that wasn't me?! Right. You pig!" And then John will have to pretend that it was traumatizing when he found out. "I was disgusted with myself! How could I have been with that monster?! She took advantage of me!" Then he'll cry green construct tears and Yrra will forgive him and they'll live happily ever after. But not on Mogo because Mogo loved Verrat Din and not Yrra. Mogo probably knew it wasn't Yrra all along but nobody asked. Mogo just thought it was a roleplaying sex game.

As seen at the end of Green Lantern #33, John gets a message out to Hal that the battle isn't over. Luckily Hal is currently on Mogo and Mogo is currently in orbit around Zezzen. So he and the rest of the gang should be down in a few moments.

Hopefully John can survive those few moments.

Verrat Din lets John live because that's what Evil Mr. Smartypantses do. They say stupid crap like, "I'm going to let you live so you can feel bad about something else I do for the short amount of time you have left to live." Usually none of that stuff happens though. Letting a hero live to see you do something vile simply means you're going to fail at the vile thing and the hero will continue to live. Why do all the Evil Mr. Smartypantses have such a blind spot when it comes to killing the hero?

Anyway, Verrat Din lands on Stel before the Green Lanterns can land on Zezzen. Stel is a Green Lantern on Mogo, so it's kind of bad news for Stel. Luckily Stel is some kind of robot-alien so he might be repairable.

Thank you, Van Jensen! Finally somebody writing a character's binary language writes something coherent! In this case, Stel says, "Ow."

Now that Verrat Din is on Mogo, can't Mogo just move into an area of space with no yellow sun? Do it while Verrat Din is distracted fighting other Green Lanterns! How long does the strength of a Daxamite last once they've left an area lit by a yellow sun? I don't know the answers to any questions about Daxamites unless it's about exposure to lead. And then it has to be a really simple one like "Will being around lead eventually kill a Daxamite?" as opposed to "How much lead is needed to kill a Daxamite in under five minutes while traveling to Chicago on a train loaded with dynamite?"

While Hal Jordan and the other Green Lanterns are busy with Verrat Din, Mogo and Daggle execute the rest of the Durlan prisoners. Hal might be a little bit pissy about that later since it goes against Earth's Geneva Convention, but what is he going to do about it? Fire Green Lantern Headquarters?!

Oliversity is the first Green Lantern to fall during the fight but that's okay because Oliversity has a stupid name.

Okay, so technically, Mogo didn't kill the Durlans. Mogo just turned the Durlans into Forever Goo (TM). "It slides down stairs, gets stuck in hair! It makes a squishedy sound! Everyone loves Forever Goo(TM)!"

Once John returns to get all of his ribs broken, Verrat Din realizes Mogo is moving away from the sun. And since she has only been a Daxamite for a short period of time, she won't have much sun energy to last her for long. Maybe she'll die in space trying to get to another sun!

Verrat Din never even makes it off planet. She's subdued and powerless. John Stewart is left feeling sorry for himself once again. But he doesn't have time to really contemplate his mistake of consorting with the enemy that he didn't know was an enemy. He has to go find Yrra! Does that mean the next huge Green Lantern Crossover will be called "The Search for Love!"?

As a final epilogue, the reader learns that "Uprising" was just a mini-crossover prologue to another huge cosmic crossover headed the Green Lantern's way as they battle the Shadow Empire, whoever they are.

Green Lantern Corps #33 Rating: No change. I only have one last thing to wonder about this story arc. Once Van Daggle gave the Green Lantern Databanks the information it needed for the rings to detect Durlans, why didn't it realize Fatality was one? I understand that story wise, that would have ruined the big twist surprise ending. I guess it's one of those comic book things where I, as a reader, have to fill in the gaps and believe that the Star Sapphire ring was able to conceal Verrat Din's real identity. Or maybe, as Verrat Din explains earlier in the comic, she was just that good at impersonating Fatality. Or maybe, just maybe, Verrat Din really did love John Stewart!

Remember how I mentioned the comic book discussions usually take place three to four months ahead of their publication date and don't really revolve much around the comic books that are actually sitting on the shelves? I bet this issue of Green Lantern Corps would have sparked some serious outrage if DC had put in the solicits, "John Stewart gets tranny tricked." Hell, just typing that phrase could spark outrage but I don't know how else to point out that this issue can easily be read as a story about transphobia! Just look at how John Stewart is so angry that he almost kills Verrat Din at the end of the issue. It's actually quite disturbing, especially since John has been the most adamant against killing Corps enemies (although he'll kill friends in a heartbeat, no problem!).

John is right to be angry at Verrat Din for a lot of reasons but this scene really seems to make it apparent he's mostly concerned with one reason alone. And it doesn't have anything to do with Yrra currently in some serious fucking trouble.

Pardon my ignorance but reading the story within this context, I have to ask: Do trans people actually eat small children? I bet that's just a metaphor for something else, right? Something about the suppression of one's true being during childhood due to the pressures and biases of society? Or something?